Chapter 23 - You Fail Mythology 101 Forever

Onward and upward...

Eden wakes up in the morning to rustling sounds in the hut.  She promptly freaks out and chucks the hand mirror at it, and it runs away.  Please tell me the mirror breaks and she gets seven years of bad luck...

Eden judges by the critter's footsteps that it "must be small and harmless," but all the same keeps screaming and yells for her father to watch out.  Turns out it's a spider monkey (Latin name?  You bet your gluteus maximus we get it), and for whatever reason we get the factoid that they're known for walking upright with their tails stiff against their backs.  This isn't a textbook, Foyt, you don't need to lecture us on every critter we meet...

Sorry, real spider monkeys aren't nearly as awesome

as this...

She rushed after it onto the front steps, but it had fled.  Arms akimbo, she caught her breath.  She'd scared off an Ateles paniscus all by herself.  Maybe she wasn't as helpless as she thought. -- p. 164

I wouldn't call scaring off a monkey big and brave, unless it was a baboon...  Also we get this confusing bit after the monkey runs off.

Eden doubted the monkey would return to find itself trapped indoors again.  Why did she find comfort in stark boundaries when they confused a creature of simple intelligence?  The Huaorani also lived in a seamless way.  Was that why they seemed so happy?  -- p. 164

I... don't even know.  It feels like we've got three different thoughts pasted together into a single paragraph.  Or maybe my brain is just numb from the stupidity in this book...

Eden looks around the compound, still looking for her backpack.  And quite conveniently the sky is dark and stormy to mirror her thoughts.  Empathic Environment is an overused trope of its own, and while it's excellent visual shorthand in a movie or comic, it loses its effectiveness in a literary medium in my opinion.

She also hopes to see Bramford so she can talk him out of accelerating his transformation into a jaguar furry "for his sake."  You really didn't care one whit about him in the last chapter, why suddenly start caring now?

Dr. Newman calls out for her, and she hurries to his side.  A lot of his dark coating has come off and his skin looks "sallow, greasy," and he looks pretty sick.  And of course NOW Eden FINALLY starts feeling guilty for betraying them all to Jamal and the FFP, which led to this.  Only took you half the book, girl... and I'd ask why she suddenly started caring about her father now, but I'm willing to give her a little bit of slack because I know how complicated the relationship can be between kids and their parents.

She wants to apologize, but instead tells her father he should wash off the rest of the coating.  Yay for looks trumping all.

"Why not wash the coating off your face, Father?"

"Impossible," he said, with a withering look.

"Do I look that bad?"

"Bad?"  He looked puzzled.  "That would require a subjective opinion."

"Forget it."  He would never understand.  -- p. 165

*sigh*  Try talking to the man, girl.  He might understand more than you think.  Also it's entirely possible for scientists to have subjective opinions -- they're human beings, after all.  "Scientist" doesn't mean "emotionless robot."

Unless we're talking robot scientist...

but even they have some emotion

Maria and her daughters come in, Maria with medical supplies and the two girls with food for Eden and her father.  One serves Eden while the other serves her father, and Eden guesses from their expressions that there was some kind of contest where the loser had to serve her.  Once again, Eden, please stop thinking that everything revolves around you and that everyone's picking on you.  Also, this "chicha" they keep giving everyone isn't food, Foyt -- it's an alcoholic beverage.  Give them something a little more nourishing, why don't you.

Maria starts cleaning her father's wound and putting on some nasty salve.  Eden thinks that Maria means well but that "the road to Earth's destruction also had been paved with good intentions."  Yeesh, whatever happened to being grateful, you little brat?

She pointed out the obvious.  "Father, do you really think this jungle medicine is working?"

"Precisely."  His tired face brightened.  "The poultice contains bark from the slippery elm, you see.  Its antibacterial properties are known to be an excellent treatment for gangrenous sores." -- p. 166

Okay, so this IS accurate... except that the slippery elm does NOT live in South America.  It's native to the eastern and mid-western United States.  For Primus' sake, Foyt, if you're going to flaunt your research to the reader, will you at least DO more than a half-assed job of research?  Your readers aren't idiots, we're going to know if you're trying to BS us...

Sorry... but it bothers me when a writer does a half-decent job of doing their research, but then incorporate incorrect facts along with their research.  Whether it's on purpose to mislead the reader or just doing a sloppy/lazy job of it, it can actually do some damage.  People who aren't familiar with the subject being discussed will assume everything, even the wrong information, is correct, and come away from the book or film even more misinformed than before.  People who catch the mistakes, meanwhile, will just assume the author is too lazy to fact-check their work or outright lying to the audience to prove their point.  Either way, it just makes the author look like a fool.

Maria informs them that stronger medicinal plants exist, but far away from the compound.  Eden's father says Bramford will go, and Eden says he's too busy chasing predators... and apparently he's a "selfish beast" for doing so.  Oh... gods... SERIOUSLY???  The man is working his furry butt off to get food for you and keep you safe, and you call him SELFISH???  Why don't you call him that to his face and see if you still have a face left afterwards?  

You done made this blogger MAD

Guh... moving on...

Dr. Newman rambles about how so many miracle cures have been lost along with the rainforest, which is a legitimate gripe today.  But Foyt's making enough of a muck of things trying to preach against racism, she really doesn't need to botch up an environmental message too...

Dr. Newman goes on about how noble Bramford is to have bought and held onto this rainforest despite pressure to sell it, both to research the plant life and to preserve the Huaorani's way of life.  Eden retorts that her father doesn't understand Bramford's "greedy motives," but he counters that "I can think of no one finer to be the Jaguar Man."  At least someone's willing to give Bramford the benefit of the doubt... and if this book had anything resembling a serious fandom I could see people wanting to ship Bramford with Dr. Newman instead of his bratty daughter.

Why isn't this GIF more popular among the shipping crowd?

Maria also mentions that Bramford is considered a shaman, and that there's a "golden vine" that can be used to make a drink that will give a shaman visionary experiences.  The vine itself (Latin name ahoy!) actually exists, and yes, has long been used by South American tribes to incite visions (and is used in the modern day to alleviate pain and as a weight-loss supplement), so at least that's one thing gotten right.  But somehow I doubt Albert Einstein was into shamanism, even though Dr. Newman brings up the fact that Einstein believed in a Fourth Dimension that could elevate our souls.  I don't even know anymore...

Eden wants some of this wonder-vine, and though the text doesn't state it I'll bet it's due to her oxy addiction.  Her father says it's stronger than any modern medicine and could probably kill her.  Given that there are drugs out there that can downright kill you in the wrong dose, that must be some pretty strong vine...

Eden wonders what it would be like to be as fearless as El Tigre, and asks what he's afraid of.  Maria says "Coatlicue," and through the weirdest and wackiest pantomime session I've ever read about manages to convey that Coatlicue is a snake god that you have to get past to get to the spirit world, otherwise you're reincarnated as an animal.  

*SIGH*  Aztec mythology nerd mode activate... and once again, an Ecuadorian tribe that believes in shamanism and animism should NOT be worshiping the gods of a Mexican and Central American nation.  I harped about this during the "jaguar god" nonsense several chapters back, and I harp upon it again here.  Next time, Foyt, either pick a Mexican tribe to foist your nonsense on or stick to the actual mythology and religion of this tribe.  Or just make up something fictional, you're good at that...

Coatlicue is an Aztec GODDESS, and while she does have a snake motif (she wears a skirt made of snakes and has two snake heads instead of a human head), she's not a snake herself.  Also, she's not a guardian of the land of the dead -- she's actually a mother goddess, one who gave birth to the sun god Huitzilopochitli (say that three times fast) and to the moon and stars, and was also considered the patron goddess of women who died in childbirth.  The whole "guarding the land of the dead" thing sounds ripped off from Greek or Egyptian mythology, really, with the "rebirth" thing sounding more in line with Hinduism.

I know I should stop expecting Foyt to give a crap about actually doing the proper research, but this still bugs me.  Especially since there aren't many books that give the Aztec gods any attention, and it's patently unfair that the one book that does do it is this half-assed piece of dreck.

Eden's grossed out at the thought of being reincarnated as an animal such as a tapir (the animal her father uses as an example and -- naturally -- calls by its Latin name).  She also realizes that Bramford must be feeling like he died and came back to life as a jaguar, and thinks that his temper no longer seems so out of line.  Oh, FINALLY you spare him a little sympathy...

Satisfied with their understanding, Maria bent down to finish her tasks.  Eden's father moaned as she began to lay thin strips of bark over the paste.  His bloodshot eyes seemed to beg Eden to do something.  If she failed him again, she feared he soon would meet Coatlicue. -- p. 169

End chapter.  And really, this chapter was a whole lotta nothin' useful except some bastardization of a favorite branch of mythology and showing that Eden's dad is sick -- something that could have been handled in a few paragraphs or even sentences.  Did Foyt forget about the whole Rebecca thing already?  I finally get interested in one thing in this book and then it gets dropped like a hot potato...

At least we're over the hump and into the second half the book... stay strong, everyone.  We can do this...

Chapter 22 -- Jumping To Conclusions

Is it me or do a lot of chapters in this book end with Eden passing out?  Just a thought...

At any rate, Eden wakes up again in Bramford's arms.  He starts purring, and she thinks "how could such an ornery animal sound so tame?"  Um... jaguars can't purr.  Domestic cats and some big cats (such as cheetahs and snow leopards) can purr, but any cat that can roar (lions, tigers, jaguars, etc.) has a different throat-muscle structure from other cats that prevents them from being able to purr.  Also, it's been proven that just because a cat's purring doesn't mean it's happy or content -- cats also purr when they're upset, probably to try to soothe themselves.

Maria insists on bringing Eden inside the main hut, insisting she's sick -- but in Spanish.  I thought Eden didn't know Spanish, how does she suddenly understand it?  Bramford's reluctant to do so, and he gives the best verbal beatdown of Eden ever.  Seriously, I almost cheered out loud reading this bit:

"You've done everything in your power to destroy our mission," he told Eden.  "If it weren't for your father, I would have farmed you out long ago.  You're a blind and selfish girl who cannot see the greater good."  -- p. 155

I've said it before and I'll say it again -- Bramford is my favorite character in this book.  He's one of the few to actually have brains, and the only one who will call Eden out on her bullcrap.  Which makes it all the harder to know that he's bound to be Strangled By the Red String by story's end...

Eden snarks that Bramford's just power-hungry, Bramford snarls at her, and Eden's father steps in before he can bite her face off.  Bramford slips off, and Eden refers to him as a "moody bastard."  Unlike you, Eden, Bramford's actually got a right to be a little upset at his plight...

Also she suddenly has a chest ache and assumes she's caught The Heat.  I have no idea...

Maria leads Eden and her father into the forbidden hut, which feels like it's been long-vacant.  There's cobwebs everywhere and a thick layer of "dusk" on the floor, but with recent tracks.  I think you meant "dust," Foyt... a thick layer of "dusk" would mean shadows or darkness, and it's hard to leave tracks in that...

There's also hammocks and stools in this cabin, and Eden figures it was a residence for a family and not for Bramford himself.  Her father talks about how comfortable the hammocks are and what they're made of (hemp), which gets Eden wallowing in self-pity again.

Even in the grip of pain his inquisitive nature couldn't be dampened.  If only he were as curious about her as he was about everything else.  -- p. 157

Twilight Sparkle is getting real tired of your

horseapples, Eden...

Foyt is trying WAY too hard to get us to sympathize with Eden, but it's backfiring in a bad way.  When you club the reader over the head with repeated scenes of the character feeling sorry for themselves and scream "SHE'S SO TORTURED LOVE HER DAMMIT," you're only making said character look like a massive sad-sack.  And I don't know about other people, but I prefer NOT to read about a character that does absolutely nothing but whine about how terrible their life is.  There's a reason people don't put up with Anakin Skywalker's whining in the Star Wars prequels, and why Rodimus Prime gets so much flak for being a self-pitying moper in Season 3 of the original Transformers cartoon...

Maria leads them around a corner to view a carved wooden figure of the half-jaguar half-human El Tigre, one that looks somewhat similar to Bramford.  I've already gone on at length about how these people shouldn't be worshiping a jaguar god at all, let alone one called El Tigre, so let me just take a moment to bang my head against a wall and we'll move on.

Me too, Tulio, me too...

"Just as I thought" Eden said, her worst fears confirmed.  "Bramford planned it all along."

"Point of fact," her father said.  "Using the jaguar as a donor was my idea.  Of course, I told him about the legend.  But how could we have predicted things would turn out so well?"

"Yeah, just great."  -- p. 157

Good to see that Eden is still so determined to see the worst in Bramford that she'll jump to the worst possible conclusion immediately.  This is NOT the mark of a good romance, people -- people who shift so abruptly from hating each other to wanting to jump each others' bones will NOT make a stable relationship, and certainly not a relationship anyone will want to emulate.

Maria opens a wooden screen leading to another room.  This one's furnished to look more like a modern bedroom, with a regular bed, pillows, and a nightstand with a silver hand mirror on it.  There's also a painting of black jaguar and a girl, with a signature of R. B. in the corner.  Eden's father guesses R. B. stands for Ronson Bramford, but Eden says it's ridiculous because "Bramford is no artist."  How would you know this, girl?  It's not like you've bothered to learn much about your furry crush...

There's another painting, and this one attracts Eden's eye more for obvious reasons:

She took in the second painting, stunned by what she saw.  It was a portrait of a young woman, her white skin visible.  Eden couldn't deny the thrill of seeing a Pearl so well represented, a girl just like her.  More like her than she could have imagined.  The girl's youthful skin shone with the luster of a sea pearl.  Soulful, blue eyes stared back at Eden with familiar longing.

Just to remind folks -- and Eden -- that pearls come in

a LOT more colors than just white...

The slender figure and graceful neck also resembled Eden's, though it shocked her to think of herself in such flattering terms.  A rare, velvety red Cattleya orchid adorned the girl's long, blond hair.  She wore an old-fashioned white dress.  In fact, except for the flower and clothing, the resemblance to Eden was uncanny.

Eden's father echoed her thoughts with astonishment.  "She could be your clone." -- p 158

You know... Foyt claims that she wrote this book so that whites can better understand the terrible persecution that blacks have undergone.  But it's scenes like THIS that make the book come across as a racist trying to justify their views.  Here it feels like she's justifying her own racism by going on and on about how beautiful white girls are and how precious our protagonist is for being white.  Her book has missed its intended mark by a long shot... if it was intended to be an anti-racist screed in the first place.  But I digress...

Apparently the figure in the picture is the infamous Rebecca.  Which explains why the children freak out over seeing Eden.  But having two girls who look so staggeringly alike show up in one village is a rather big coincidence.  I'm aware that there are plenty of people who look shockingly alike (and aren't long-lost twins or anything), but it doesn't happen nearly as often as books like The Prince and the Pauper and movies like Dave will have you believe.  

Then again, I'm not sure I'd like this twist much better if Eden DID happen to have a long-lost twin sister who ended up here.   I know, it sounds like nothing this book does will make me happy... I just feel like the "lookalike" angle was the right way to go, I guess.

Eden asks where Rebecca is, but Maria just leaves.  Eden asks her father what Bramford's hiding, but he insists Bramford's not hiding anything.

"Then tell me, Father, why is there a prison here?"

"It's none of our business."

"What if Rebecca is in trouble?"

"Now who is being ridiculous, Daught?"

"He locked me up."

"You were excitable."

Deserved it, is what he meant.  Well, Eden was sick of his and Bramford's grandiose schemes and lack of feeling for anyone's aching heart. -- p. 159-160

What I feel like doing to Eden at this point...

Girl, you are NOT the center of the universe here!  Your father and Bramford have more important things to worry about than your precious feelings!  You're not some special little snowflake that needs coddled at every opportunity!  Gah...

Eden insists Bramford's holding Rebecca prisoner, just like them.  Eden's father insists they're not prisoners and that Eden's being illogical.  Eden's "proof" that Rebecca's a captive is that there's a painting of her here and that she's obviously not Bramford's sister or mate because high-ranking Coals don't mate with Pearls.  Her father points out that it's been known to happen, so Eden points out that Bramford's records state he's single, but her father says that's not foolproof either, that he could have bribed someone to change the record.

Eden's final argument is the mirror, which has a B engraved on the back.

"See this?  It's how Bramford marks his territory.  Maybe he mated Rebecca and then regretted it.  He had to eliminate his mistake so he killed her."

The rapid blinking began.  "What?  Impossible!"

"Perhaps she's buried in that hut."

"I insist you stop this line of reasoning, Daught!"

"No, Father.  For once, you're not being objective.  We have to get away from Bramford.  Why can't you see that he's a monster?"  -- p. 161

Sorry, oh-so-smart-and-logical Eden, but none of your arguments are any proof that Bramford did anything to this Rebecca chick.  Just because there's a B engraved on something doesn't mean it's Bramford's, and just because there's evidence that there was a Pearl here doesn't mean Bramford killed her.  You don't even have a body or proof that anything violent occurred here.  You're jumping to conclusions here. 

Also the "marking his territory" bit is pretty dehumanizing... and you certainly weren't thinking Bramford was a monster when you were getting all cuddly with him earlier...

Dr. Newman tells his daughter to stop antagonizing Bramford, and that he's noticed that she's growing attracted to him.  She retorts that they're not even the same species "thanks to you" but her father says he knows otherwise and warns her to be careful.  Then he goes back to sleep in the hammock while she lays down on the bed.  Not even gonna offer your injured and pain-ridden father the bed, Eden?

Eden looks at her reflection in the mirror and admires it, realizes that maybe because Rebecca was beautiful she might be too, and end chapter.  Blugh.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to seeing how this Rebecca bit plays out, but knowing the author I'm sure whatever happens, it'll be just as stupid as the rest of the book.  Also blog-reader Rodimiss pointed out that "Becky," a nickname derived from Rebecca, is slang for "clueless racist white girl," which just adds another layer of hilarity onto it.  Way to go, Foyt...

Chapter 21 -- Ding-Dong, the Witch Is Dead! (Not Really But I Wish...)

On we go...

At the end of last chapter, Eden's father just dropped the bombshell that Bramford can choose between going back to normal (which might kill him) or continue with the furry-fication process (which might rob him of the last of his humanity), and Bramford chose the latter.  This chapter begins with... a howling noise right outside the lab that Eden first thinks is an FFP siren but turns out to just be a troop of howler monkeys.  Holy abrupt subject shift, Batman!

Bramford's body begins to "pulse," which is entirely the wrong word here.  If your whole body is starting to pulse like a beating heart, you've got some serious health issues going on...  Then he leaps out the door, and Eden gets "weak in the knees" watching him run.  Apparently Bramford's off to hunt monkeys... for some reason.

Also Eden's father says monkeys make "excellent bush meat."  According to Wikipedia, bushmeat is actually a good way to risk getting some nasty diseases, including HIV, Ebola, rabies, yellow fever, etc.  I understand the natives might have no other food source (though did cows and goats not make it in the Heat?), but calling it "excellent" might be pushing it.

This is also about the point we get another lovely line that's been making the rounds on the Internet:

Again, a big cat's growl pierced the air, followed by a painful squeal.  Eden quivered as she pictured Bramford, lusty for the kill, ripping into the howler -- p. 147

Eden, are you suddenly a guro fan?  Because most normal people aren't going to get turned on at the thought of their crush tearing a small furry animal apart with their teeth...  (If you don't know what guro is, look it up yourself, I ain't linking it...)

Eden's father tells Eden she knows better than to go around without her dark coating.  She protests that it wasn't her fault, it came off in the river, and he responds that she should have stayed with the group.  This is probably meant for us to sympathize with Eden over her meanie father, but he's got a point -- both Eden and the readers would have had a much easier time of it if she hadn't run off and forced Bramford to chase her.  But then, we wouldn't have gotten pointless drama and even more pointless romance scenes, right?

Eden has a flashback -- or rather, "her five-year-old self handed over a forgotten memory" (yeesh, that's an awkward description) -- of catching her parents dancing around to a "forbidden" jazz song about a lovely blue-eyed girl... and without their dark coating.  That's the only time she ever saw them uncovered, and they tell her to keep it a secret.  I... wasn't under the impression that it was illegal for Pearls to not wear coating?  If this is supposed to be Foyt's critique of racism, it kind of falls flat.  For all the horrible things done to black people, not once have they been forced by law to paint themselves white.

Possible exception, but then this is Michael Jackson

we're talking about here...

Eden points to that incident as when her shame of her skin color began.  Yay for Freudian Excuse, I guess?

Then Eden starts yelling at her dad for tampering with nature.  Which contradicts earlier chapters where she was actually proud of her dad for his work with genetics.  If this were a better book and Foyt hadn't already proven herself a sloppy writer, I'd say Eden had multiple personalities or something... but no, Foyt just wants to give her something new to whine about and so it has to be her father's life's work, despite the fact that she was so proud of it in the beginning of the book.

"Mother was right.  Fooling with nature is dangerous.  You're not some infallible god.  It was wrong to twist Bramford into this savage creature."  Who's so exciting and yet, so infuriating.

His head jerked up.  "Impossible.  Lily [Eden's mom] believed in my work."

"Mother believed in a ridiculous thing called love and some stupid gentle wind that supposedly brought it into your heart.  She had her head in the clouds just like you.  Dreamers ruining people's lives, her with her crazy ideas and you with your crazy experiments." -- p. 149

Sadly, this doesn't happen... I don't advocate child abuse

but in Eden's case I make an exception

Eden storms out and goes to have a pity party by the watering hole.

How pathetic, she thought, fighting them [tears] back.  For once she'd been truly seen -- by a beast.  No doubt, she had imagined it, just as she'd imagined a connection between them at the lake.  Bramford wasn't capable of such feelings.  Then, as the memory of lying beside his hard body filled her, Eden groaned. -- p. 149

Holy freaking scrap, we're halfway through this freaking book!  We're already sick to death of Eden waffling between liking and hating this guy!  Pick a relationship status (and "it's complicated" doesn't count) and stick with it!

Eden tries to make herself feel better by calling every creature she can see by its Latin name.  What is it with Foyt's obsession with Latin names anyhow...  We also get Eden wondering how a plain little wren can have such a beautiful song, and "how could so much beauty come in such a drab wrapping," because it's all about beauty with Eden.  Foyt, you were a teenage girl once, right?  Surely you remember that your ENTIRE life didn't revolve around trying to be pretty, right?

Up ahead the natives are cooking a dead monkey on a spit over an open fire, because this is how all primitive cultures cook their food, right?  Bramford's there, and we get another loving description of his body.

Eden studied him, intrigued by the startling changes.  The lab pants, ripped short and split at the seams, were nothing more than a loincloth.  Red scratches marked his naked torso, probably from the howler.  His long hair was a knotted, wild mess.  More than Bramford's increasingly savage appearance, she detected a new, smug confidence.  The big kill had increased his arrogance.  As if he needed it.  -- p. 150

Eden walks up to Bramford, mentally begging him to look at her.  He's a little preoccupied at the moment, so she has a hissy fit and tries to slap him, but backs down when he turns to glare at her.  Despite being almost eighteen, our protagonist really is a toddler at heart...

"It's not ready," he said, cocking his head toward the dead monkey.

Eden wrinkled her nose.  "I won't eat that," she said, aiming to hurt him with her words.  "I'm not an animal."

Bramford shrugged.  "Too bad.  If you were, you wouldn't be so much trouble." -- p. 151

Um... no room for the Latin term Homo sapiens in your puffed-up little head, girl?  Last time I checked, humans were still considered animals.  Also I'm still relieved that Bramford can still put you in your place.  Who knew that the jaguar furry would be my favorite character?

Eden stomps off in a huff again, and sees Maria brushing up against Lorenzo in a way that indicates they're a couple.  Which results in the following:

Eden also noticed a peculiar glow that the couple shared.  Could it possibly be evidence of love?  Perhaps, she thought with growing excitement, remnants of it still existed in this untainted corner of the world. -- p. 151

Check another thing off the Great List of Dystopian Cliches!  Seriously, why do so many people think that love can't exist in a dystopia?  People still fall in love with each other even in terrible circumstances -- it's not like people stopped loving each other during the World Wars or the Great Depression or anything.  The only dystopia I can think of that uses the "no love can exist in a dystopia" trope well is the Delirium series by Lauren Oliver

The one good thing about this book is that it's

making me think of other books I'd rather be reading...

The two little girls from earlier, Carmen and Etelvina (??), are throwing nuts up at their pet parrot.  Lorenzo sits by Eden and tells her they're his daughters, and Eden marvels at the fact that people are allowed to have more than one child in this world.  He also introduces Eden to his brother Charlie (???)... and Charlie's got her backpack!  The one she lost earlier and that started the whole mess with falling into the river!

Eden's distracted from the backpack by the two girls, and she tries to approach them, but they run away screaming "Rebecca!" again.  Are we ever gonna learn more about the Rebecca thing?  Bramford glares at the kids, and Charlie takes off the backpack and gives it to the girls as a distraction.  Eden tries to grab it back so she can get the Life-Band out of it, but the girls toss it up to the parrot, who catches it.  Can a parrot even lift a backpack with its beak?  I know birds of prey can carry animals several times their weight, but they do that with their legs, and a parrot isn't a bird of prey and doesn't routinely carry heavy loads of food around.  I guess it depends on how heavy the backpack is...

Eden's gaze drifts to the gated hut, and she guesses that Rebecca must be in there.  So of course, being our "bright" heroine, she goes to investigate.  Bramford yells at her to stop, but she keeps running, yelling "Hello! Rebecca?"

Behind her, she heard Bramford's pounding feet.  His furious growl ripped into her.  She screamed as he grabbed hold of her.  The blood seemed to drain out of her, and she fell limp.

"Eden!"

But why did Bramford sound anguished?  He didn't care.

Then a dark curtain dropped over her world.  -- p. 154

Yay, our protagonist is dead, end of book, we can all go home!

...oh wait, I've got half a book left to get through.  Dangit...

Chapter 20 -- Somewhere a Geneticist Is Crying

Onward and upward!

Eden's having what she thinks is a World-Band fantasy of running through a grassy field, but upon awakening it turns out it was a dream.  Apparently in this society dreams are written off as "mental distortions" and were eliminated with the aid of oxy.  Check off another cliche on the Dystopian Fiction checklist...

Oh, and Bramford was in the dream too, it turns out.

Why, Bramford is chasing me.  I laugh as he tumbles with me onto the grass.  We roll like playful kittens.  He's smiling at me, really smiling.  I'm so happy, I feel light as a feather. -- p. 138

And yet just last night/chapter she was hating his guts and considering him a monster.  This love-hate whiplash is driving me nuts.  I've never understood why this sort of Belligerent Sexual Tension is supposed to be considered romantic and sweet, or at least BST that's cranked up to this degree.  It comes across less as romantic tension and more as "our protagonist has multiple personalities," at least to me.

Pretty much this guy only less entertaining

Someone opens the door to the hut she's locked in -- Lorenzo.  Eden expects him to freak out at her pale skin like the girls did, but he just smiles.  She also happens to notice this guy's naked except for "a thin rope around his groin."  Because of COURSE Native Americans eschew modern clothing.  I did a (slightly disturbing) Google Search and found that yes, the Huaorani men did pretty much just wear a string around their hips traditionally, but most of them wear modern clothing now.  But then, Foyt seems intent on falling back on stereotypes and making every race look inferior to whites.

Eden dredges up enough rudimentary Spanish to ask about her father.  Lorenzo says he's okay and gives her a bowl of chicha, which she sips and then spits out.  We also get a remark that her dress is torn and practically falling off -- maybe you should have changed into the clothes Daisy gave you instead of fussing about the Life-Band?

Lorenzo leads Eden across the compound, "taking care to skirt the sunlit center."  If the sun really is so dangerous, why aren't all these people dead yet?  Or all the foliage gone by this point?  And why wouldn't these people at least, y'know, build a canopy or something?  I'm starting to think the Heat was some kind of government conspiracy to drive everyone underground...

There's another naked boy in a vegetable garden nearby (Primus, Eden, what is it with your obsession with naked children?  I'm starting to worry...) and Eden looks at all the vegetables and thinks... she wants her meal pills back.  Seriously, girl?  You might be more used to the pills from your previous life (though I still maintain she should be dead of scurvy by now, since there wasn't a multivitamin among the protein, fat, and carbohydrate pills she was given), but a little gratitude wouldn't kill you, right?

Eden smiles at the boy and his mother, but they just stare, and Eden assumes it's because of Rebecca, whoever she is.  It could just be that you're a stranger and they don't know you yet, girl...

There's a clearing nearby full of bird-of-paradise plants (that are described as looking like "haughty women," though they look more like those crested cranes to me), and in that clearing is a wooden building with solar panels on the roof.  Inside is a makeshift laboratory where her father's working with old-fashioned computers and microscopes.  At least Eden's father seems grateful for the equipment and setting, though Eden can't help but whine at what a step down it is for him.

Bramford -- or as Eden is STILL thinking of him, "the beast" -- is in the lab too, talking to her father.

A slight twitch of his head told her he had registered her presence.  But her jailer ignored her.  Probably too ashamed to face her.  -- p. 141

Did it ever occur to you that you're NOT the center of the universe, Eden?  That maybe Bramford thinks whatever your father is working on is a little more important than your precious feelings?  Seriously, girl, get over yourself...

Eden's father's wearing an herbal poultice on his leg to draw out "toxins" (I think you meant infection, Foyt), but he looks feeble.  And of course Eden doesn't seem to care, just upset that Bramford's not going to apologize for locking her up.

"Didn't you know?  Either our host thinks I can escape this hellhole or he's a sadistic beast."

Braford jerked around, trapping her in the crosshairs of his gaze.  "I'e seen what you're capable of, Eden.  Just don't forget, I'm watching you.  Do you understand?"

"I understand that your power has driven you berserk." -- p. 142

Eden, this is NOT berserk.  I think you would know when a jaguar-man went berserk.  This is Bramford taking precautions to make sure you don't go running back to the Combs or the Uni-Gov or whoever's in charge to turn Bramford in and save your own hide.  You've already tried to deliberately get him killed, tried to run away, conspired to turn his own employees against him... in other words, given him absolutely no reason to trust you.  He'd be stupid NOT to lock you up at this point.

He growled menacingly.  His eyes blazed with hot light.  A secret smile tugged at Eden.  She might be powerless, but she sure could get under his skin.  She strolled past him, inches away, and flicked her hair against his chest.

Go ahead, do something.

Instead, his anger softened to a frustrated moan.  Her heart skipped a beat and she wobbled onto a stool.  So much for mind over body. -- p. 142

I don't think winning a staredown with Bramford counts as mind over body, girl... and dangit, I wanted to see Bramford bite her face off.

Eden's father won't look at her, and she assumes he's embarrassed by her white skin.  I think he's more embarrassed by how you're treating his boss, girl... 

Bramford's apparently asking Eden's father if he can reverse the process that turned him into a jaguar furry.  GENETICS.  DO NOT.  WORK THAT WAY.  YOU CANNOT JUST FART WITH SOMEONE'S DNA AND TURN THEM FROM HUMAN TO FURRY AND BACK AGAIN.  DO YOUR BLASTED RESEARCH GIRL.

Eden apparently wishes her father will say no, because... jaguar!Bramford is sexier?  I dunno, nothing Eden wants makes sense anymore...

Apparently trying to reverse the procedure has a possibility of killing Bramford.  And of course, Bramford's not too happy about this, which is perfectly understandable.  He only volunteered to be the test subject when the original ones went missing, and got a lot more than he bargained for.  I honestly feel bad for the guy -- he was trying to help a scientist save humanity and became an outcast for it.  And got saddled with Eden in the process.  

We get a pointless interlude with some toucans peering in through the door (do we get the Latin name for these critters?  Does an Ursus arctos poop in the woods?), then Bramford asks if they can accelerate the transformation process instead of reversing it.  Um... I thought you guys were done changing him.  I wasn't aware this was a gradual process.  Foyt, are you just making this crap up as you go along?

According to Dr. Newman, speeding up the changes could cost Bramford his human ability to think and reason.  That's a sucky choice -- risk death or risk getting completely turned into an animal.  Foyt seems to be trying really hard to get us to not like Bramford, but he's coming across as Unintentionally Sympathetic despite her best efforts.

Eden's father shows them an image on a computer that shows Bramford's final transformation, which is pretty much just a jaguar with human eyes.  The toucans freak out, because naturally they're afraid of "their most dangerous enemy."  I'm pretty sure no bird is going to wig out at an image of a jaguar on a tiny computer screen, but what do I know?

Dr. Newman says all they need to complete the transformation is more cells from the donor species -- jaguar, anaconda, and eagle.  I notice none of the traits from the other creatures have shown up in Bramford.  Maybe Foyt doesn't think anacondas and eagles are sexy enough...

Bramford says he'll get what they need, and Eden protests.  Then we get more "romance."  And I'm subjecting y'all to it because I'm cruel like that.

Speechless, she watched Bramford glide up to her.  Lovely, golden light fell on his muscled chest.  Like a sleight of hand, the arrogant man she detested disappeared, leaving behind his primal self.  Here was the one who had saved her from drowning.  His touch thrilled her.  His confidence inspired her.

He looked deep into her eyes.  In that instant, Eden felt truly seen.  The sultry sound of his breathing washed over her.  Her chest grew soft and velvety.  She felt herself sinking into the green, fathomless pools of his eyes. -- p. 145

Ewwwwwwwwwwww...

Eden says that getting her father proper medical care should be top priority and accuses Bramford of not caring.  He tells her that it must be nice to look at life so simply, and tells the doctor to start preparations to accelerate the process.  The doctor warns him that once the changes pass critical mass, they'll be permanent, Bramford says it doesn't matter, Eden whines, and then end chapter.

I'm still not getting how turning humans into panthers is supposed to save humanity.  If anything, you're just rendering humankind extinct and replacing them with more panthers... and I'm sorry, but jaguars are NOT magically immune to extreme heat, and Foyt has NO idea how genetics are supposed to work, and why doesn't TV Tropes have a "Somewhere a Geneticist Is Crying" trope?

Also no mention of who Rebecca is... if this ends up not coming up again this book I'm going to hurl it at the wall.  Again.

Chapter 19 -- A Wild Mystery Woman Appears

Must keep going with this book... must... keep... going...

At least you'll be able to forget this book once

it's over, Dory...

Our protagonists are still slogging through the jungle, and despite the fact that Bramford's been lugging her around all this time Eden is the one that's "bone-tired."  Absolutely no sympathy for you, girl.  Also the buzz she got from the acai berries has worn off.  I don't think Foyt realizes that you can't get high off of acai berries -- I know they're supposed to be some kind of wonder food, but to claim they can actually substitute for oxycotin for a drug addict is ridiculous.

Eden hears a bird in the forest, a tinamou (do we get the Latin name for it?  Is the Pope Catholic?), and thinks that it's a nocturnal bird which means she's been away from home for twenty-four hours by now.  Guess what, Foyt -- tinamous are most active during the day and actually roost at night.  Next time do more freaking research on your critters than just looking up the scientific name.

Finally they reach a clearing, and Eden sees the sunset and is "humbled by its perfection, though not in a submissive way."  Um... I don't understand what you're trying to say here, Foyt...  Also apparently "if something so beautiful existed in the world, then maybe some part of her also held such beauty."  Nice to see you have to twist everything to be about yourself, Eden.

An Indian woman steps out of the forest and addresses Bramford in Spanish -- and of course her name is Maria.  Why do actual research on the Native Americans of South America when you can just fall back on tired stereotypes, am I right?  

Unlike her tribesmen, however, Maria cringed when she looked up at Eden.  Fear lurked behind her startled eyes.  (That's rather redundant...)  Was it because Eden now lacked a shed (???) of dark coating? -- p. 133

Maria leads them through a camouflaged gate and into a compound, and Eden wonders if she's the first white visitor.  And of course its made up of huts with palm-thatched roofs and a large bonfire in the middle of the compound, because stereotypes!  Eden notices that Bramford's heading for the largest hut and assumes its his, though he hasn't "branded" the door.  So apparently he's had dealings with these people before... interesting...

Eden notices two other huts -- one behind a fence without any visible door, and one that's overgrown with weeds and has a bar across the door.  Then two naked children come running out of a nearby hut because of COURSE an Indian tribe is going to have its kids run around starkers.  And one of them has a parrot on her shoulder (cue the scientific name for scarlet macaw) because of COURSE everyone owns parrots in South America.  It's not just blacks that are made to look bad in this book...

The girls greet Bramford warmly... and then proceed to freak out at seeing Eden, screaming something about "Rebecca."  That gets Bramford roaring, Maria scolding the girls, the parrot shrieking... okay, what's going on here?  This might actually be interesting...

Eden asks who's Rebecca, and Bramford gets ticked off.  Then it turns out Eden's into BDSM.

The name had struck a nerve in him.  If she said it again, he might make her pay.  He might grab her with those big, rough hands and pin her down.

Eden couldn't help herself.  "For Earth's sake, Bramford.  What did you do to this Rebecca to make the children so afraid?" -- p. 135

You're gonna get your face bit off, and 

you're going to deserve it

Bramford pounces on her and drags her toward the prison hut.  She screams at him, asking him if this is where he takes all his victims and telling him he's an animal, and starts hitting him.  He doesn't retaliate, and even throws her some nuts and berries before he locks her in the hut.

Eden slumped to the ground, humiliated.  The unfamiliar sting of tears surprised her.  She let them spill down her cheeks, tasting their salty wetness with the tip of her tongue.  She hadn't even cried when her mother died.  Emotional relief always had been an oxy-drip away. -- p. 136

To quote Linkara -- our hero, ladies and gentlemen.  Seriously, you can't cry at the death of your mother but you sob like a baby because someone's mean to you?  How selfish can you be?  And don't blame the drugs -- it was your choice to go on them.

Apparently Eden's mother refused to take oxy even on her deathbed, because she wanted to feel something, even the pain.  Her father wasn't around for her death because he couldn't handle the "chaos" of death, which is also kind of jerkish, though different people do handle death in different ways, and some people just can't handle the death of a loved one.

Eden asked her mother why she was smiling even when she was crying with pain, and she replies that it's because she has hope of life after death.  Eden apparently took a government-mandated "death experience" (I'm guessing through the World Band) and expects only a "calm black void."  Yay, government-mandated atheism, you know this is a dystopia...

Eden's mom quotes another Emily Dickinson poem ("Hope is the thing with wings...") and Eden says the poem doesn't make sense because "to which species of bird did Aunt Emily refer," which is entirely NOT the point of the poem.  

She goes back to fantasizing about how hot Bramford is, and we get another "winner" of a line here.

Eden gathered the food Bramford had left; surprised that even in his fury he'd thought of it.  It suggested that his mind was still more powerful than his raw emotions.  Therefore, from now on, she would use pure objective reason to tame the primitive creature.  -- 137

Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhh... NOT the best line to include in a book that's supposed to be against racism.  Because this IS part of racism -- feeling that you're inherently superior to people of another color and it's up to you to educate them or otherwise improve their lives.  Not that white people helping people of color is inherently racist, but the attitude that a white person is morally and/or intellectually superior to a black person and must "tame" them is full of some icky implications.

At least this chapter has raised a few new points of interest -- how does Bramford know these people, who's Rebecca, where's Eden's father, is our protagonist ever going to get over herself...  I doubt we'll see answers to that last one, but at least I have something to look forward to in future chapters besides more running through the jungle and more furry romance...

Chapter 18 -- Survivor Ecuador, Let's Vote Eden Off the Island

And now we return to this sporking of Revealing Eden!  I bet you've all missed our plucky black-obsessed heroine and her jaguar enemy/boyfriend, haven't you?

Yeah, I thought not.

When we last left our... protagonists, Eden was riding Bramford like a horse -- get you head out of the gutter, she's on his shoulders -- through the jungle and enjoying the feeling of controlling him.  One could call this "Unfortunate Implications" if we thought Foyt was subtle enough to imply anything...

The mysterious maze of the jungle swallowed Eden into its dark, forbidding folds.  Like craggy monsters, an army of trees reached for her.  -- p. 125, and you're kind of mixing up your metaphors here, Foyt.  Last time I checked mazes didn't have folds, they had twists and turns.

Only Bramford's easy, confident step reassured her.  What did she have to fear when she rode on the shoulders of a mighty predator?  His instincts and power would protect her. -- p. 125

Okay, I'm aware that emotions and relationships are complicated things, and that it's fully possible that one can be physically attracted to someone and still find them obnoxious or annoying.  But this is way too over-the-top.  Eden seems to go between hating Bramford and wanting to jump his bones at the drop of a hat, with nothing in between those two extremes.  I've seen this crop up before in YA romance (usually the badly-written sort) but this is the worst case of it I've ever seen.

Eden asks how much farther it is, Bramford tells her to shut up, she keeps talking regardless, and he pinches her leg to get her to shut her mouth.  I like Bramford more and more as this book goes on.

Eden also screams and cries out every time a cobweb touches her.  Our strong, powerful heroine, ladies and gentleman...  Bramford pinches her again every time she screams, and she moans "from despair or pleasure, she couldn't say."  Um... Too Kinky To Torture, anyone?

We get some description of the forest, and Eden compares its canopy layer to the Combs back at home.  She also, of course, has to spit out the Latin name for a troop of monkeys, and wonders what they think about the "strange creature" she's riding... or if they're more startled by her appearance.  "She was the alien here, not Bramford," apparently.  Because again, it's all about her.

More jungle description, Bramford gives her water, they keep going... such a thrilling chapter, isn't it?

Yes, snakes can yawn...

Now and then, he changed direction for reasons she couldn't fathom.  In fact, her mind felt dull and spongy, entirely incapable of reasoning.  Her sanity fell behind like a trail of crumbs. 

At each mysterious croak from the dark recesses, Eden pressed her knees tight against Bramford's neck.  (She proceeded to accidentally snap his neck and kill him, and she got brutally eaten by jungle animals without her majestic jaguar man to protect her.  Oh, how I wish...)  Her fears drove her to cling to him.  -- p. 127

I "like" how Foyt insists that her character is a strong, relatable heroine willing to fight for what she wants, when so far we've just seen her act like a spoiled racist brat who always has to have someone else, usually the designated male love interest, haul her fat from the fire.  Seriously, THIS is supposed to be a role model for young girls?  I'd blame Stephanie Meyer, whose whiny and weak Bella Swan character spawned a slew of copycats, but in this case I think the blame is also, at least partially, Foyt's sheltered upbringing, which probably makes her think that throwing Latin words into her heroine's vocabulary and making them obnoxious is enough to make her strong.

To her delight, a soft, low murmur rumbled through him.  It washed over her, calming her anxiety and yet, arousing her desire.  

Tired of squicked-out Starscream yet?

If he'd confused her before his transformation, she now found him as mysterious as this jungle.  How could she even begin to understand someone as complicated as Bramford?  Or trust her instincts after suffering Jamal's betrayal? -- p. 127

Hey Foyt, show-don't-tell, okay?  Can you give us more examples as to how Bramford is complicated and mysterious?  Because he didn't seem THAT complicated before his transformation, and I doubt turning him into a furry is going to drastically alter his personality.  Also at least Eden admits her instincts suck... and her taste in men is pretty questionable.

A flock of macaws flies by -- and yes, we get the Latin name for them too -- followed by a "sharp sound" that I'm going to guess is a gunshot.  Bramford says it's nothing to worry about (dude, a GUN is something to worry about) but at least isn't letting his guard down.  Also Eden yanks his hair, which should be license to bite her arm off or something but Bramford doesn't.  Shame.

"Storm coming."  [Bramford speaking]

"What?  How can you tell?"

"A lull in the sounds, the slight drop in temperature.  Don't you feel it?"

"I'm not receiving any data, remember?  Thanks to you.  (Oh, stop whining about that already...)

"Before you would have noticed the signs."

The sound of his voice soothed her so she tried to encourage him to talk.

"Really?" she said.  "When was that?"

"About a million years ago, when you looked something like me."

"Like you?"  

Even uglier than now?  And yet, Bramford wasn't ugly, was he?  He was raw and sexy.  Maybe she wouldn't have looked so bad.

"I bet you would have been one hell of a she-cat," he said, and she was glad he couldn't see the pleasure creeping into her face. -- p. 127-128

Nice to see that despite some chance for development here -- maybe Eden finally accepting she's not going to get her Life-Band back, or exploring the fact that people of Caucasian descent did, according to most scientists, descend from African roots -- we just get hammered home with "beauty and physical appearance is everything" again.  Oh, Foyt, your message is so inspiring for young girls...

Yeah, like that'll ever happen...

Bramford offers to teach Eden how to use her natural instincts to make up for the Life-Band, but Eden just thinks that Bramford can only do that because of his new animal DNA.  I think Eden has just swapped one batch of prejudices for another here.  She randomly wonders how "Aunt Emily" Dickinson coped without a Life-Band, we get a random Emily poem ("To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee..."), and Eden decides that taking oxy for nearly two decades means she has no imagination.  Wow, did we bounce between subjects or what?

Eden imagines (I thought you didn't have imagination, girl) that she and Bramford are one creature instead of two, like a centaur, and she bursts into giggles.  Bramford asks what's so funny, and she tells him he wouldn't understand.  Bramford decides to drop it without prying, which Eden interprets as selfish.  Excuse me, you little brat, who's the selfish one here for not explaining the joke?

It starts raining, Eden almost slips off Bramford's back, and Bramford squeezes her to "communicate something."  Eden wonders if Bramford can tune into her the same way he can tune into the world around him, and if she can "tune into him" the same way.

Maybe she wasn't alone.  She smiled as an expansive feeling floated through her.  Like a burst of fire, but soft as melting wax...

 A stiff wind rattled the leaves and filled Eden's head with his wild, tangy scent.  An irresistible urge to run her hands along his face seized her.  She clung to him, pressing her hips against the back of his neck.  His breathing grew labored, and for the first time, he stumbled. -- p. 130

Eden offers to walk if he's tired, but he tells her she'll just run away if he lets her down.  And now she's back to hating him, because this is how romance works, amiright?

"I'm watching every move you make, Eden."  

Yes, I have a song for every occasion...

She struggled against his tight grasp.  "You don't know a thing about me.  You never will."

He tossed her hand free and laughed bitterly.  "This is my world.  Nothing escapes me here."

Really?  Could he also see her absurd attraction to his beastly self? -- p. 131

Eesh... I took such a break from this book I'd forgotten how mind-numbingly boring it is.  There's no character development going on, no plot, nothing but two people bickering in the jungle.  And if I wanted to watch self-absorbed shallow people bickering in the jungle, I'd go watch Survivor.  At least that's free and usually isn't jam-packed with racism and furry fantasies...

You know a book has utterly failed when it

makes a trashy reality show look

GOOD in comparison...

Hamlet's Father Wrap-Up -- Orson Scott Card Speaks Out (but should have kept his mouth shut...)

WARNING:  Lots and lots of links in this post.  May I advise the "open link in new tab" option?

Wrong Links...

Now that Hamlet's Father has been well and thoroughly sporked (and returned to the unlucky library from whence it came), it's time for a final wrap-up regarding this book.  But first, a word from OSC himself.

After some scathing negative reviews of Card's book from various media outlets (Wikipedia's article on the book cites The SF Site, io9, The Guardian, and Rain Taxi in particular -- that last one is quite good), Card decided to go on the defense.  Because a book that turns one of the most famous plays in history into a homophobic morality tale needs defending, sure... *rolls eyes*  So he took to his website, Hatrack River, to set the record straight.  (No pun intended.)

Despite having just provided a link to Card's response, I'm reposting it below with my own commentary.  Simply providing the link to prove I'm not making this up, I suppose...

Normally I don't respond to reviews, especially when the reviewer clearly has an axe to grind.  But the dishonest review of Hamlet's Father that appeared in Publisher's Weekly back in February of 2011 has triggered a firestorm of attacks on me.  I realize now that I should have answered it then and demanded a retraction, because while the opinions of reviewers are their own, they have no right to make false statements about the contents of a book.

Um... I looked up the review in question, and while it's surprisingly short, it's really not inaccurate at all.  And why is it that so many artists, be they writers or filmmakers or video game designers or simple traditional artists, seem to think that any negative or critical review of their work is an attack?  I understand one's often quite close to their own work, but honestly, most people aren't attacking or trolling you, but just trying to point out the flaws in your work.  If you can't learn to take criticism, maybe you shouldn't be sharing your work with the public.  (Here's a couple of great comics on DA about accepting -- and giving -- critique, something more artistic types need to learn at some point.)

The review ends with the sentence: "The writing and pacing have the feel of a draft for a longer and more introspective work that might have fleshed out Hamlet's indecision and brooding; instead, the focus is primarily on linking homosexuality with the life-destroying horrors of pedophilia, a focus most fans of possibly bisexual Shakespeare are unlikely to appreciate."

Since my introduction to the book states that I was not remotely interested in Hamlet's "indecision and brooding" in Shakespeare's version of the story, I wonder how carefully the reviewer read the book.

Your Hamlet did do his share of brooding, actually, albeit mostly in the form of "wah, Daddy never loved me, wah, I don't wanna be king, wah."  And seriously, you're going the "did you even read the book" route?  This is the childish sort of tactic you see fanboys resorting to in response to Amazon reviews; seeing a professional author lowering himself to this tactic is just pitiful.

But the lie is this, that "the focus is primarily on linking homosexuality with... pedophilia."  The focus isn't primarily on this because there is no link whatsoever between homosexuality and pedophilia in this book.  Hamlet's father, in the book, is a pedophile, period.  I don't show him being even slightly attracted to adults of either sex.  It is the reviewer, not me, who has asserted this link, which I would not and did not make.

Except that Hamlet's father WAS a homosexual in this book!  He preferred boys, so therefore he was a homosexual pedophile.  There's no mention whatsoever of him going after Ophelia or any other girl, so he's not straight or bisexual.  Homosexuality and pedophilia are not mutually exclusive, you know...

Because I took a public position in 2008 opposing any attempt by government to redefine marriage, especially by anti-democratic and unconstitutional means, I have been targeted as a "homophobe" by the Inquisition of Political Correctness.  If such a charge were really true, they would have had no trouble finding evidence of it in my life and work.  But because the opposite is true -- I think no ill of and wish no harm to homosexuals, individually or as a group -- they have to manufacture evidence by simply lying about what my fiction contains.

Ah yes, the old "it's a conspiracy against me!" argument.  You realize that the more you claim that it's not your fault, you're just the victim of "dang dirty trolls," the worse you look to both your fans and critics?  I will also point out that a) wanting to deprive homosexuals of their rights is definitely wishing harm upon them, to some degree, and b) I have seen no review yet that has lied about what your work contains.  Perhaps they have read into your work deeper than you would have liked, but so far I've found no fabrications.  

The truth is that back in the 1970s and 1980s, when it was definitely not fashionable to write sympathetic gay characters in fiction aimed at the mainstream audience, I created several sympathetic homosexual characters.  I did not exploit them for titillation; instead I showed them threading their lives through a world that was far from friendly to them.  At the time, I was criticized by some for being "pro-gay," while I also received appreciative comments from homosexual readers.  Yet both responses were beside the point.  I was not writing about homosexuality, I was writing about human beings.

I think the best sort of writers accomplish this, actually -- ones who have a diverse cast yet still focus more on the characters being, well, characters than on what makes them diverse.  Too often in Hollywood or in fiction in general, you can tell a character has been added simply to represent a minority instead of to actually fill a role in a story.  You can often tell these "token" characters from actual characters by asking yourself "Would this character still have an individual personality and/or purpose in the story if they were white/straight/male/non-handicapped/cis-gendered/etc.?"

I haven't read much else by Card, and nothing with a homosexual character, so I can't say whether he's accomplished what he's claimed.  But according to this article on Salon, that isn't the case.  A homosexual character is made to marry a woman "for the good of society" in his Homecoming saga, and by all appearances the less I say about Songmaster besides Unfortunate Implications, the better...

My goal then and today remains the same: To create believable characters and help readers understand them as people.  Ordinarily I would have included gay characters in their normal proportions among the characters in my stories.  However, since I have become a target of vilification by the hate groups of the Left, I am increasingly reluctant to have any gay characters in my fiction, because I know that no matter how I depict them, I will be accused of homophobia.  The result is that my work is distorted by not having gay characters where I would normally have had them -- for which I will also, no doubt, be accused of homophobia.

Stop blaming it on your critics.  Nothing is stopping you from writing homosexuals, Card.  Just write them the same as any other character, except they prefer the same sex rather than the opposite.  Gays are human too, and while there are certainly "camp" homosexuals out there, most of them are pretty much the same as regular humans outside of orientation.

But Hamlet's Father, since it contained no homosexual characters, did not seem to me to fall into that category.  I underestimated the willingness of the haters to manufacture evidence to convict their supposed enemies.

*record skip noise*

What?  Wat?  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!!

Another image I've been using quite a bit in this spork

Card, you specifically stated that several characters in your book -- Horatio, Laertes, Rozencrantz, and Gildenstern, your freaking title character -- now preferred men over women, and while you might not have intended it  you dropped plenty of hints that Hamlet might be gay as well.  HOW DOES THIS NOT MAKE THEM HOMOSEXUAL???  I would dearly love to hear your definition of homosexuality, because it's obviously FAR different from mine.  Does the fact that most of the characters in the book were molested as children magically not make them gay?  

And "haters?"  Seriously?  Are you suddenly Tara Gilesbie of My Immortal fame now?  Not everyone who doesn't like your work or sees glaring flaws and/or disturbing implications in it is a "hater," Mr. Card.

To show you what I actually had in mind in writing Hamlet's Father, here is the introduction I wrote for its publication in book form.  I'm as proud of the story as ever, and I hope readers will experience the story as it was intended to be read.

This introduction was covered in an earlier spork, but it might have made more difference if it had actually been INCLUDED IN THE BOOK.  Just my thoughts...

Final Thoughts

Dear Mr. Card, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume that you did not mean to make Hamlet's Father as detestable and homophobic as it comes across to readers, critics, and this humble sporker.  I'm going to assume your sheltered upbringing and blissful ignorance is more responsible for taking one of William Shakespeare's best-known works, throwing it in a meat grinder, and assembling a Frankenstein's monster of nasty implications from it, rather than outright malice.  After all, someone once said (no idea who, the phrase has been attributed to multiple people) to never attribute to malice what can be attributed to plain old stupidity.

All that said, I'd like to introduce you to a little concept called Death of the Author.  Sounds morbid, but the concept is simply the theory that "an author's interpretation of his own work is no more valid than any other reader's or critic's."  And while I don't necessarily agree with this philosophy, it still stands here.  Whatever you intended when you wrote Hamlet's Father, it's obvious that a lot of people interpret your work far differently than you do.  And you can post as many responses as you want screaming "IT'S NOT LIKE THAT," but that doesn't change how other people will perceive your work.  

You say you're proud of this story.  Proud enough of it to keep fighting over it?  Proud enough of it to make people forget about Ender's Game and only remember you for your controversial views on homosexuality, and for a sub-par retelling of Shakespeare?  Because even if you went back and excised the homosexual/pedophiliac content from the story, it truly is dreadful.  The characters are as interesting as a flat sheet of paper, the writing is bland and loses much of the magic of Shakespeare's prose, and you ended up eliminating or fatally truncating many of the most iconic scenes from the play in your work.  Even Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead was more faithful to the original play than this book.

Far be it from a lowly sporker and fanfic writer to tell you what to do, Mr. Card, but I would strongly advise you to distance yourself from this book as much as you can.  Don't keep defending it, don't insist that everyone who finds problems with its story and subtext is lying to make you look bad, don't keep throwing a tantrum and insisting "it's not like that, everyone's just hating on me!"  Just call this book an Old Shame, move on with things, and never speak of it again.  

And to my readers -- DO NOT READ THIS BOOK.  Don't expect to get any perverse sense of "so bad it's good" entertainment out of it, don't read it purely for the spectacle of it, don't read it thinking you're going to get an interesting re-interpretation of Hamlet out of it.  It's truly not worth it.  There are many other fascinating re-imaginings and analyses of Hamlet out there, not to mention the original work itself.  Hamlet's Father is vile in its implications, boring to read, an insult to Shakespeare and his fans, and far too thin a volume to justify its $30+ asking price on Amazon.

I hesitate to say this is the absolute worst book I have ever read -- The Legend of Rah and the Muggles currently holds that title, though I'm pretty sure Revealing Eden will steal that spot once I'm finished with it -- but it certainly is one of the most detestable things I've ever picked up.  Thank goodness it's over, at least...

...wait, I have Revealing Eden to finish now.  Guuuuuuuhhhhhhh...