HOWEVER... since I really want to get through this book and move on to the next (I picked a doozy for the next book to rip apart), I'm going to be covering several chapters in each post, and summarizing instead of going through a blow-by-blow description. I'll pause every so often to comment on things I feel are lulz-worthy, but for the most part we're going to get through this quickly.
I'm with you, Bill Murray... I'm with you
Well, at least we're on to Part Two of this book, titled "Crows." It opens with a Bible verse -- "For man also knoweth not his time: as the fishes that are taken in in an evil net, and as the birds that are caught in the snare, so are the sons of men snared in an evil time, when it falleth suddenly upon them." -- Ecclesiastes 9:12. That's not ominous.
Prolog Part Two -- oh geez, we're not done with the "prolog" yet? Usually you get that done at the beginning of the book, dude... anyhow, moving on.
Prolog Part Two: Spear -- Flashback to Bant eating breakfast with his wife Recanna and his kids. (remember Recanna? No? Thought not.) Apparently after our killer prophet mowed down his home village in the first "prolog," Bant and his new wife built a home, had kids, and now Bant's a preacher in a village (the text doesn't specify if it's his old village or a new one). All's happy and right with his world... which means you know crap's about to go down any second now.
Also the village is called Christdale now. That's not subtle at all...
Bant's out working the fields when great-lizards with earth-dragons on their backs (Maxey's in love with hyphens still) show up to demand a tithe of half their crops and livestock. There's some fuss because the tax used to be a quarter of their goods and the village can't afford to give up that much without starving, but of course the dragons don't listen because they're EVIL. Bant quotes the Bible at them and almost gets his butt killed, but Hezekiah the killer prophet intervenes and kills the dragons. Hezekiah gets a spear through the chest in the tussle but doesn't even bleed or flinch from it, which means either we're suddenly in a Monty Python sketch or we've got another healthy dose of FORESHADOWING here.
OR...
Take your pick
In a sudden shift of topic Hezekiah tells Bant he's going to go train as a missionary and leave the village. Bant, in a sudden burst of intelligence, asks who's going to look after the kids and help the village with the harvest in the meantime, but Hezekiah answers all his questions with "the Lord will provide," and Bant agrees to go. There's no possible way this could end badly, could it?
Chapter Eight -- Zeeky -- what the heck is a "zeeky?" I no longer remember, let's refresh my memory...
Gadreel, the slave sky-dragon, is following Zanzie through the woods in search of Bitterwood. They've apparently been looking for Bitterwood for months, but their search always leads them back to the same stretch of river as before. Um... according to my research (two minutes on Google, to be fair, but still), a scent trail can survive for three or four weeks in optimal environmental conditions. Which means that a good rainstorm or way-too-dry weather can wipe out a scent trail, and even if conditions are perfect it's unlikely said trail -- or footprints, for that matter -- are going to survive for that long. Also, why are you still searching the same spot over and over? The dude's long gone by now...
They find the remains of a campfire, but Zanzie decides it's not Bitterwood's because the boot prints around it are too small. There's a sky-dragon feather-scale, though, which means it's Jandra and Vortex -- both of whom are wanted for treason against King Azkaban. I'd go "uh-oh" if I had any reason to care about Jandra and Vortex at this point, but I don't.
They get back to the camp of Kanst (remember Kanst? Captain of King Afghanistan's guard? Me neither.) to find a random earth-dragon soldier on fire. There's a graphic description of the guy burning to death because... I dunno, Maxey needed to shock his readers out of their bored stupor or something?
Another random pointless guy on fire that was at least
played for laughs... Screencap from "Smells Like
Nirvana" by Weird Al
Apparently the flame is magic and can only be put out with iron, and Kanst has a few cauldrons of the stuff in camp. The now-crispy dragon apparently thought the cauldrons were food. Just how have these dragons managed to rule this long when they're all freaking idiots?
End scene, and we finally find out what a "zeeky" is. It's YET ANOTHER POV CHARACTER, a little girl with a pet pig named Poocher. First of all, dumb names for both, and second of all, how many freaking POV characters can you stuff into a novel before it becomes overcrowded? Apparently a LOT, and I'm already not looking forward to this one. Child characters in adult novels can be insufferable if not written well, and sadly given Maxey's writing abilities thus far I don't have high hopes for this one.
Zeeky is sneaking into the mayor's house to snitch food, but she happens to be skulking around in there in time for an earth-dragon to show up and propose the entire village go to the Free City Alakazam and his serial-killer brother are building for the humans. The mayor thinks it's called "Pre-City," though, because they're still building it. Um... hah? The mayor accepts, Zeeky grabs some fruit and decides now's the perfect time to run away because she doesn't trust dragons, and that pointless interlude ends.
Then we switch to ANOTHER FREAKING POV CHARACTER -- Dekron, the dragon who delivered the message to the village. He's walking back to camp thinking about how Free City's a death trap for the humans when he comes across a random campfire in the middle of nowhere... and starts to warm his hands in front of it. Um... if I found a random campfire in the middle of nowhere, my first instinct would be to wonder who's around and maybe be a little cautious? I'm starting to think nobody in this book has a brain in their heads, especially not the dragons.
Also this dragon drinks something called "goom," a liquor made of skunk cabbage and cayenne pepper. Apparently we know these dragons are evil because they eat disgusting things, like the fish-guts-and-peppers slime from earlier and this nasty drink. There's a trope for villains eating gross crap, isn't there?
Well, at least it's not kittens again...
The dragon hears a whistle, looks down to see an arrow sticking out of his chest, and drops dead. Well, that was pointless...
Chapter Nine: Pet -- Jandra and Vortex are hanging out with Chakthalla (that name sounds like it was ripped from Black Panther) in the grand hall of her castle. For those who don't remember, Vortex was figuring they could get sanctuary with her because she keeps humans as pets and for that reason will be against King Arkansas' edict to kill all humans. There's an info-dump about the inequality of the sexes among dragons and the fact that a lot of the females die in childbirth (which AGAIN makes the "kill off the spares" tradition in choosing an heir stupid), and then there's a creepy exchange where Chakthalla shows off the human man she keeps as a purse-poodle of sorts.
"Pet," Chakthalla said. "Show Vendevorex your little trick. The one with the apple."
"Yes, Mother," Pet answered, smiling as he stood in his seat and stepped up on the table.
Squicked-out Starscream is my go-to for scenes like this
I get that calling a human a pet is supposed to be, well, dehumanizing here, but every single pet owner I now has at least given their pet a name. Calling them "Pet" just seems redundant. And the "Mother" line is just creepy to me. Could just be my personal take on it, though, given that a lot of people see themselves as parent figures to their pets, but still... okay, moving on.
Jandra's creeped out by Pet being doted on and stroked by Chakthalla, but this does make her wonder if Vortex sees her as a true apprentice, a daughter, or a pet like Pet. This could be some interesting character development if it ever comes up again, but I suspect it won't.
Vortex and Chakthalla are planning on finding more allies for a resistance against the king and his edict to kill all humans, but it's been months and Jandra's restless. Vortex calls her to task and tells her to be patient, but that's kind of hard to do when YOUR FREAKING PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE DESTROYED ANY MINUTE. They bicker about whether Chakthalla's trustworthy, Vortex reveals that he comes from a land far beyond King Alakazam's, and that they may have to flee there and leave the humans here to fend for themselves. Jandra accuses him of having no feelings, and Vortex says he doesn't see the logic in feelings. Sorry, Vortex, Spock you are not.
We return to Zeeky, who's randomly decided to go visit a dragon's castle because apparently children are complete idiots in this book as well. What purpose is this child serving the story anyhow? I still don't know...
She doesn't make it to the castle and decides to sleep in a random barn, but runs into a stranger who had the same exact idea... and it's Bitterwood! Oh goody, this kid's going to be Bitterwood's Morality Pet! How cute.
Cut back to Jandra, who's wandering the castle moping. I still don't give a flying fig about any of these characters, so why should I care that she's moping about the castle? Pet, predictably, shows up and starts hitting on her, and claims she's unhappy because she's a human living among dragons. Pot calling kettle black much? Jandra asks how he can be happy being a pet to the Wakanda-wannabe, and he counters that she doesn't like it because it makes her question her relationship with Vortex. Pet's more perceptive than he lets on... I may actually like a character in this book.
Pet says he recognizes that he's a pet, but it's better than starving in a village or being hunted for sport. Then he ruins all the good cred he's been building with me by continuing to sleazily hit on Jandra. Ugh, just when I started to like you, dude...
Then Maxey gets bored of attempting to force a romance into his book and has sky-dragons attack Chakthalla's castle with pots of that magic fire from last chapter. Yay, cliffhanger...
I thought I was going to get through more chapters of this in one sitting, but apparently I'm incapable of doing a single-paragraph recap of anything. Will try to cover more next post.
