Chapter 9 - Meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh-meh CATMAN!

Guess what, we finally get an action chapter.  For what it's worth, at least...

So Eden's surrounded by FFP soldiers, which seem to be this world's equivalent of the KKK only against white people, and given that it's been stated in the past that these people want to wipe out Pearls you'd think she'd be afraid for her life, or at least trying to make an escape.  But nope, that would be too logical and smart for our protagonist -- I recoil at the thought of calling her "heroine" at this point.  Literally, the first two paragraphs of this chapter go like this:

Eden stood in Jamal's office among the FFP soldiers, wondering how her dreams had died so suddenly.  Because they  had never been real, she realized.  She had only imagined a better future.  In six months, when she turned eighteen, still unmated, she'd be cut off and left outside to die.

She stared with new eyes at Jamal, her ex-boyfriend, struck by how ugly he was.  His arrogant posturing and the strident tone with which he addressed his team of conspirators sickened her.  He was no better than Bramford -- even worse.  Why hadn't she seen it before?  She faced the sad truth with a heavy sigh.  Her desperate need for Jamal's help had blinded her to his real nature. -- p. 62

For being terrified of the FFP before, she's sure blase about them now.  I'd think she'd be terrified for her life and not crushed that she just got dumped... sure, I'll allow for feelings of betrayal right now, but one would think in a crisis like this she'd be more apt to be afraid for her life than commiserating about how her boyfriend was stringing her along.  Just my thought...

Eden decides "there was a sort of freedom in being doomed" and that she might as well make things difficult for Jamal.  Her decision is to dash to the nearest computer and shut down the "firewall" that's keeping flames from getting to the lab.  I'd wondered what precisely "firewall" meant here... but are fires really so prevalent in this world that something like this is needed on a regular basis?  Or is the mountain just always on fire (which makes no sense as fires need fuel and can't burn indefinitely -- even the Centralia coal-mine fires in Pennsylvania will burn out eventually once they run out of coal...)?

Eden tries to get out in the confusion and gets nabbed by Giant, who smiles lasciviously at her.  Because we can't let anyone forget that precious Pearls are always in danger of getting raped in this world.

Even Gaston's had enough of this crap

"You know, you're a pain in the ass, Eden," Jamal said.  "Most Pearls would give anything to be on my team.  (Given that your organization's dedicated to wiping out Pearls, I doubt it...)  What's wrong with you?"

..."Guess I'm old-fashioned," she said.  "I still think honesty is a virtue." -- p. 63

Funny coming from the girl who tries to pass as black every day.  And we haven't seen many of her "virtuous" qualities yet, unless the author thinks that her being a precious white Pearl is enough of a virtue to speak for itself.  Gag...

My sentiments exactly, AJ...

Jamal offers her one more chance for old time's sake, but Eden retorts that he's just going to do what he wants anyway.  Jamal tells his men to capture Eden's father and Bramford alive and kill anyone else who gets in their way, including Eden.  Oh please, do it, Jamal, you'd be doing the world and the readers a favor!

(Un)fortunately, we get a convenient explosion right there as the fire outside gets too close and the roof of the labs blows off.  Windows break (but conveniently no one gets cut) and toxic smoke blows in, then the lights go out.  Eden makes a break for it and finds the labs in chaos and for some reason "the loud screams and frantic movements reminded her of the Moon Dance."  Yikes... I'm not a dancing or partying person myself, but from what I know of them, if a building on fire reminds you of a major dance or party, you're doing it way wrong.

Flame retardant shoots out of the walls and peels off part of her coating, and to her credit Eden doesn't stop to freak out about it.  So our protagonist has SOME brains after all.  

She felt like a loose electron bouncing from atom to atom as she crawled through the melee.  - p. 64

Is it me, or does this analogy feel weird?  It might be something a science nerd brings up in a comic-relief moment, but I'm sure the average person in a crisis isn't going to be thinking of atoms when they're in the middle of a chaotic situation.  They're going to think of something they can visualize, and atoms and electrons are just too tiny to quickly visualize.  Maybe this is to show how "smart" Eden is, but it comes across as forced and awkward.

She spots her father in the chaos and heads toward him, when we suddenly get some forced drama regarding the experiment.

A painful cry filled the air.  Her father jerked toward the test bed.  It seemed Bramford was in trouble.  Blessed Earth, the extreme heat must have contaminated the experiment.  Her fault, all of it.  - p. 64

Well, at least she acknowledges that this mess is HER fault, though whether she accepts responsibility for letting Jamal in on the secret or not, or just the fire, we have yet to see.  And I wager she's not going to see real consequences for royally screwing up her father's experiment...

Eden hears the soldiers coming and has a flashback (the text reads as "she flashed on the day the lab had opened," when I think Foyt meant "she flashed back to the day the lab had opened" and it REALLY would have been simpler to just say "she recalled the day the lab had opened).  Apparently her father entrusted her with the code to activate the lab's self-destruct mechanisms.  Yes, because she's been SO trustworthy now... you're lucky she didn't hand THAT over to Jamal too.

Eden gives the code -- "go bluebell," because her mother's eyes were the color of bluebells -- and mourns that every backup of her father's work will be destroyed.  This is why you don't keep all your backups in the same place...

Eden heads for the operating theater, only for Jamal to block her way.  His soldiers surround the "operating theater" (don't hospitals have operating theaters, not labs), and Bramford's still screaming.  I get that Foyt's trying to get across that this is a tense moment, but I'm feeling nothing.  Maybe it would help if we knew precisely what was going wrong with the experiment, or actually saw what Bramford was going through instead of just him screaming.  For all we know he could be dying or he could just be undergoing a chest-hair wax -- people scream for all kinds of reasons, not all of them life-threatening.

Eden calculated their survival odds: one crazy, old scientist and his gullible daughter against, count 'em -- seven armed soldiers, including Jamal.  Bramford was useless.  Their only hope was Shen who, to her amazement, remained by his employer's side.  (Oh hey, we remembered he was here too.  Ten bucks he's not going to be mentioned for the rest of the chapter...)

As her father might have said, the current trajectory would no doubt result in a re-organization in favor of the more dominant genes.  (Who talks like this?  Even scientists don't talk like this in everyday conversation.  Stop assuming all scientists talk in Hollywood Nerd language.)  In other words, Jamal, and therefore the FFP, would win and kill all the Pearls, starting with her.  - p. 66

Jamal tells Eden's father that if he turns himself over to the FFP, he'll be treated with the respect he deserves.  Why are the FFP bad guys again?  Oh, right, because Eden Says So.  *eyeroll*

I've noticed this from earlier chapters, but it's rearing its head more and more as the fic goes -- Revealing Eden suffers from a condition known as Protagonist-Centered Morality.  In a work of fiction it's only natural that much of the narrative will showcase the main character's beliefs, morals, and opinions, and that the narrative will center on these regardless of whether they're right or wrong.  But when Protagonist-Centered Morality sets in, what the protagonist regards as right and wrong shapes the entire story and its universe.  What Eden wants is inevitably shown as precious and right, and what she regards as wrong is invariably shown as evil and disgusting.  And it gets freaking irritating.

Eden shouts for help, which finally gets her father's attention.  He tells the FFP to bugger off so he can finish his experiment.  Dude's got guts... why isn't he the main character?

Jamal orders his men to advance, and Eden's father holds up a syringe and threatens to kill himself and Bramford.  Jamal responds by threatening Eden (nope, not gonna miss her), and that makes her father hesitate.

"Do you understand, Doctor?"

"What?  Yes, the paradigm has been clearly presented."  - p. 67

*facehoof*

PEOPLE.  DON'T.  TALK.  LIKE.  THIS.  Seriously.  You're not writing a kid's chapter book with a stereotypical nerd kid who talks like a college professor -- you're writing what's supposed to be an intelligent YA social commentary.  Have your people talk like actual PEOPLE and not robots.  Do you get out of the house at all, Foyt?  Because your conversations read like you don't know how people actually speak to each other.  Dialogue should read smoothly, but yours clunks along worse than a drunken giant robot.

Sorry, I need a laugh about this point

Eden's father blows off Jamal's threat and turns back to his experiment.  Of course, Eden has to make it all about her despite the obvious danger to everyone at this point.

It was embarrassing, really.  No one wanted her -- not her boyfriend, not even her own father.  Guess the FFP hadn't counted on her worthlessness. -- p. 67

I.  Am going.  To slap you.  You little self-centered TWAT.  Can you think about NOTHING else besides yourself?  At the very least worry about your father's safety or something!  

The PA system announces two minutes until self-destruct, and Jamal orders his men to take out Eden's father.  But before anything can happen, we get "an earth-shaking roar."  What, now this book has dinosaurs?  Nothing would surprise me at this point.

Yes, I was looking for an excuse to throw a

"One Piece" screencap in this sporking...

The roaring's apparently coming from Bramford, and he rips free of his restraints and jumps off the bed.  And we get a good look at the "biggest leap in evolution since man discovered fire."

Bramford didn't resemble the controlled model of the new man she expected.  Instead, she stared up at a terrifying creature, part man and part beast.

Mostly, he reminded Eden of his new cousin, the jaguar.  In the slash of cheekbones and feline face the resemblance was unmistakable.  His eyes, now a luminous deep green, gleamed cat-like in the glow of the fire.  No longer bald, he had dark silky hair tumbling down his shoulders.  Powerful, carved legs ripped through the white surgical pants.  (Please, please, please don't give us a description of his genitalia, please, Foyt, I beg of you...)

His skin had turned so dark it blended with his camouflage spots, giving the impression of muted scars or tattoos all over his body.  The deep, dark coloring, thanks to the melanistic jaguar's pitch-black coat, enhanced his powerful presence, just as Bramford must have intended.

He shook with rage.  The shirt split across his chest (HULK SMASH!), revealing tight bands of muscles under a light mat of fur.  Slowly, he turned over his hands, examining the thick padded palms.  His gaze traveled down his adapted body, and Eden wondered if the unexpected beastly form shocked him.  Or had Bramford even retained enough human awareness to experience such an emotion?  - p. 68-69

I tried to find a picture of a black panther anthro/furry to

put here and was scarred for life by what I found.  Have

a cute jaguar cub instead.  You're welcome.

I'm still failing to see how turning the world's population into furries solves the "heat" problem.  One would think that raising the Earth's temperatures enough to kill off humans would also be fatal to other animals, whether or not they were dark-colored or furred.  But I logic hasn't been Foyt's strong point throughout this whole novel, so why should she start worrying about it now, I guess...

And am I the only one who caught the implication that Bramford, being a Coal, is more prone to succumbing to his new form's "animal" mindset than a Pearl?  Or is it just me?  At any rate, Foyt's not helping her "this book is against racism" case any...

His angry roar seemed to answer her unspoken question with a resounding yes.  She felt faint from the ferocious power he exuded.  Unreasonable feelings bubbled up within her.  Maybe it was crazy, but she wanted to roar back at him.

Feral eyes landed on her, devouring every inch.  She found herself smiling at him.  But his eyes stayed cold, his expression as flint-hard as ever.

In that moment, Eden understood that despite his dramatic physical transformation, deep down Ronson Bramford hadn't changed one bit.  He was still the same arrogant bastard.  -- p. 69

*face-servo*

Ya know, I'd gripe about "show don't tell" regarding Bramford being an arrogant bastard, but I'd just be beating a dead horse here.  And I'd gripe about how sick I am of Foyt's ham-handed attempt at romance here (I know, the "I hate you I love you" routine is a staple of romantic comedies, but it bugs the heck out of me), but again, dead horse.  So I'll just point out that I was right, Shen didn't even get a mention for the rest of this chapter.  I've seen Star Trek red shirts that have more impact on the plot than this guy... though if the author forgets about him, maybe he'll get the mercy of not having to appear in this book anymore...

And yes, the chapter ends there.  Nine down, thirty-four to go.  I can do this, I can do this...

Chapter 8 - BOO-YAH!

You know that moment when you're reading a book and you go "oh, I know what's going to happen next" and guess that two characters are going to fall in love or one character is going to play traitor or one lackey of the villain is going to turn out to be an agent of the good guys?  And then you get far enough into said book and the very thing you predicted was going to happen happens?  Does that make you want to get up and go "HA!  CALLED IT!  BOO-YAH!" and do a victory dance?  Or is it just me?

So yeah, this is the BOO-YAH chapter of the book -- something I've been suspecting for awhile turns out to be true.  I can't decide if that makes things better or just even more infuriating.

This chapter starts off by rubbing our face into the fact that Eden is one of the most aggressively unlikable characters I've ever come across in a book.  Seriously, it's like Foyt tried to make her as unpleasant as possible.

The workers' smug stares bore into Eden, as she followed Bramford up the stairs to the operating theater.  Caught by the boss -- weren't they happy?  Why on Earth did she want to be like them, anyway? -- p. 54

I think you mean "bored," not "bore."  And seriously, this is the opening paragraph of the chapter.  Way to rub it in that your character has a superiority complex and is still thinking like a racist.  Referring to another race as them, whether you consider said race above or beneath you, is still divisive and, yes, racist thinking.

Bramford asks if there's been any sign of the test subjects, and Eden's father says Jamal's questioning the staff.  Eden looks out at the workers to see if she can see him and immediately thinks of herself as "a small fish looking at a school of hungry piranhas."  You do realize that thinking every black person is out to attack your sweet innocent white heroine *gag* is still racist thinking, right Foyt?  At least we didn't get a random announcement of the Latin name for piranhas, I guess... thank goodness for small miracles.

Eden's father looks like the typical mad scientist -- stained labcoat, unruly hair, and a look like "a man on the edge."  He tells Bramford there's variations in his genetic code he's not prepared for, and Bramford says to proceed with the experiment no matter the risk.  Now THERE is a hero!  Again, why isn't this book following him?  I'd much rather root for him than for our whiny brat.

And of course Eden has to think the worst of him, because there's no possible way Bramford could be doing ANYTHING good, is there?

Eager, wasn't he? Eden thought.  Maybe he'd planned all along to be the test subject so he could keep the technology for himself.  Greedy bastard. -- p. 55

Eden's hatred toward Bramford might be more understandable if he'd, I dunno, actually done something hateworthy.  As it stands, Eden seems to hate him more for just being a Coal than for anything he's actually done -- which is racist.  For being a book that's supposed to challenge racism, this book really seems to be shooting itself in the foot at every opportunity.

Plus, the fact that Bramford is hyped as a villain in this book despite not doing anything particularly villainous reminds me of Kippurbird's complaints regarding Galbatorix and the Evil Empire in Christopher Paolini's Inheritance Cycle (a.k.a. the "Eragon" books).  The characters keep going on and on about how evil Galbatorix is, but as Kippur points out, he doesn't actually DO anything particularly evil -- he taxes his subjects and conscripts young men into his army, but the first thing is something pretty much any government does and the second thing wouldn't be necessary if, ya know, there wasn't a frickin' rebellion going on.  It's pretty much the same tactic here -- Bramford's rich and powerful, yeah, but that shouldn't be the only reason he's considered a bad guy here.  Let's see some actual evidence that he's arrogant or a jerk before you start calling him such things, Foyt.

Bramford says for Shen to keep an eye on Eden, and Eden immediately thinks "as if it were all her fault."  Lady, you've proven that you can't be left by yourself for two minutes without getting in trouble.  I think Bramford has a right to be a little cautious.

While her father's working, Eden looks over his shoulder and sees a hologram of one of the original test subjects, and admires the fact that it's a Pearl in his natural coloring.  "The sight of the man's pale skin thrilled Eden."  (p. 55)  Ugh, will you stop already...  Then the holo shifts to the furry -- I mean the test subject post-procedure.  I still think that this is a massive failure in understanding how genetics and DNA-splicing work -- I was under the impression that you did this kind of thing with seeds and embryos, not an already existing body.

Eden's father asks what she's doing here.  She says she showed up with Bramford, and he says "you must have appeared out of context."  Who says that?  Has Foyt ever listened to a real conversation?

Then Eden gets a signal from Jamal, and wants her to meet him at his office to "keep our date."  So of course she's ready to drop everything and go running to him, but not without one last look at Bramford on the test bed.  There's some snarky banter exchanged here that basically amounts to Eden thinking he's crazy and him saying this has to be done, then we get this lovely tidbit:

Eden felt the weight of his stare.  Possibly, he was really looking at her.  Sweet Earth, as if he saw the Real Eden.  She forgot all about the procedure and her problems.  The busy hum of the laboratory faded away.  She felt an odd desire to smile at Bramford.  She even suspected he might smile back.  -- p. 57-58

Subtlety -- it is not Foyt's strong point.  There's nothing natural about this romance developing between Eden and Bramford, just a huge sense of "I'm attracted to you because the author says so!"  Seriously, I've read less forced romantic pairings in junior-high-school fanfic.

Pretty much how most of it goes...

Bramford wants his bodyguard to stay close during the procedure, so Eden takes advantage of the opportunity to ditch him and run.  Conveniently, the security cams are on the glitch, but she's able to get a glimpse of her tormentors from the dance (still flatteringly dubbed Giant and Squeaky) coming down the hall connecting the facility to the Combs (still a freaking stupid name).  She keeps running, knowing Jamal will protect her.

She gets to Jamal's office, and lo and behold, what does she see?

Four men turned as she entered, their faces full of surprise.  Eden stared back at them, wondering why these men, the lab guards, wore the FFP uniform.  Even Jamal had on the despicable clothes, the beret at a jaunty angle on his head.  Braided epaulets, which signified a high-ranking officer, decorated his shoulders -- the same shoulders upon which she'd often laid her head. -- p. 59

Well, who could have seen THIS coming, amiright?

Eden, not particularly quick on the uptake, asks what's going on just as Giant and Squeaky (please give them proper names already, geez, even Peach is better than Squeaky) walk into the room.  Somehow the fact that Jamal's wearing the equivalent of a KKK robe and hood and has the "missing" test subjects bound and gagged on the floor isn't enough to clue her in that Jamal's the traitor in the ranks.  Nope, there's no possible way her shining white knight... excuse me, Dark Prince could be responsible for this, right?  Right?

"My fumbling friends are glad you made it," Jamal said, not looking happy at all now.  "Bramford almost ruined our plans by showing up at the dance."

Jamal's friends?  He hadn't asked Bramford to bring her back to the lab?  He never intended to be her mate?  For the love of Earth, he'd never seen the Real Eden, either.  No one did.  -- p. 59

I should have added "take a drink every time the term 'Real Eden' is used" to the drinking game...

She tries to leave, but Jamal says she's staying as a "personal insurance policy."  He says the Federation of Free People is taking back what "greed-suckers like Bramford owe us."  He claims that Bramford wants to use the furry-creating technology for his own gain, not to save the world, and he intends to use it to help the people instead.  Noble enough, I guess, but we still see no real proof that Bramford's as evil as he's made out to be... 

From xkcd

Like a bad Bond villain, Jamal tells Eden his entire plan -- to capture Bramford ("We get the tech, an evolved subject and Bramford, all in one") and give both Eden and her father important places in his organization.  Oh, and Ashina is going to be his mate, not her.  "Jamal and that bitch were in cahoots?" is Eden's thought -- though who's the bitch here, really...

Eden hates Jamal, Jamal says "you're coming with me," end of chapter.  Ho hum.

Sorry this post took so long.  Hopefully the next one won't take two months to get around to.  This is really a seriously boring book once you get past the awful, controversial subject matter.  There's no logic to the constructed world, nothing to get me emotionally invested in any of the characters, and no skill or flair to the absolutely wooden writing.  It's seriously a chore to get through this thing.  No wonder most people don't make it past the sample chapters on Amazon...

And I still totally called it that Jamal was a traitor.  No, not gonna let that go... 

Chapter 7 -- Leaving On a Jet Plane

I know, it's been a month between posts.  I've been putting off sporking this chapter because, frankly it's BORING.  It could easily have been absorbed into another chapter, as it contains a LOT of unnecessary padding.  Probably not cut as there's a major (if incredibly stupid) plot point toward the end, but at least condensed and added to another chapter.

When we last left our "heroes" -- and I use that term loosely because these characters are about as heroic and likable as the freaking Malfoys -- Bramford had just rescued Eden's ungrateful little butt from violence at the hands of Giant and Squeaky and was dragging her off.  Now Bramford and Shem are heading through a tunnel leading to the surface, with Eden in tow.  No thank-yous from Eden, because of COURSE not.

Eden feels the temperature rise and her ears pop, which seems reasonable enough -- even modest changes in altitude can make your ears pop.  Still, if the temperature down below is a hundred and ten, if it's getting any hotter then all three of these characters should be sweating buckets or even passing out.  But apparently Eden only "began to sweat" as they started hiking closer to the surface.  Do people just not sweat anymore or what?

Bramford takes Eden to a supersonic aircraft piloted by "a small-boned Tiger's Eye."  I'm getting rather sick of these names for the different races... not just Coals and Pearls either.

Please, tell us again how stones like these are

ugly and worthless...

"Get in," he [Bramford] insisted.

"No," Eden said, as stunned as he, by her daring refusal.

"What's wrong?"

"Can't.  Fly."  -- p. 47-48

First of all, I'm bugged by the flagrant case of Wanton Cruelty to the Common Comma there.  Is anyone else, or is it just me?  The random period in Eden's second sentence is a little more forgivable as it implies stammering, but commas are not punctuation confetti.  Learn to use them properly.

Second of all, I don't see how her refusal is particularly daring, nor does Bramford give any sign of being stunned by it.  Either this was sarcasm and neither of them are stunned at all, or (far more likely) Foyt just blatantly ignored the rule of "show, don't tell" again.

Bramford drags her inside the aircraft, and she goes light-headed and falls into a seat.  He tells her to "relax, you'll enjoy it," which is more than a little squicky to me.  Did Foyt intend the unfortunate implications of this bit or not?

The plane takes off, and Eden has a freakout -- not a panic attack, but a freakout.  Yes, there's a difference.  She can't stop thinking about footage of air accident's she's seen, "common due to the erratic jet streams," though why anyone would want to fly in a world where everything important is underground seems weird in itself.

She glanced at Bramford, who appeared calm as usual.  Probably enjoying her distress.  -- p. 48

The fact that Eden takes every little thing Bramford does as a personal insult says a lot -- not only that she thinks the worst of him, but that she also seems to have a huge ego in that everything HAS to be about HER.  It probably doesn't occur to her that Bramford's used to flying, or that he's just learned to tune out and deal with unpleasant matters.  Something Eden could use to learn...

Eden tells herself to breathe, and randomly thinks that "her mother always had said it was the key to happiness."  I'm not sure of breathing is the key to happiness so much as it's the key to freaking LIFE ITSELF, but what do I know?

"One does not love breathing." -- p. 18

Again, stop reminding me of better books, Foyt...

Eden stares at the seat in front of her, mentally whining again about how he's stamped it with his logo and how it's made of leather, which is awful because society "treated its scant remaining livestock like gods."  You'd think that society would be working on ways to increase its number of livestock -- breeding programs, cloning, etc. -- but apparently stupid stuff like the World Ban and hating on Pearls was more important.

Bramford starts watching a news feed on his Life Band of an albino -- excuse me, Cotton -- boy being burned alive.  Apparently they're not extinct after all?  Here Foyt tries to retcon her earlier statement of albinos being a race by showing the government has been trying to wipe out the gene responsible for albinism, but when you make a goof you're supposed to go back and correct it, not leave it in and throw in a retcon later on in the book.

Eden watched as a mob tied the screaming albino to a funeral pyre.  It was the only time she'd seen Coals and Pearls united in action... Strange how she didn't feel deep hatred for the albino, as she had been taught in school.  She might even feel sorry for the poor boy.  -- p. 49

You'd think Pearls would feel some measure of sympathy for albinos -- um, Cottons -- due to them having pale skin shades, but nope.  And apparently this scene is supposed to show that by golly, Eden really DOES have a caring heart!  Far too little and far too late, Foyt.  

And seriously... Cotton?  We couldn't even stick with a mineral name, like Talc or Alabaster?  Who needs consistency, I guess.

Bramford's ring flashed and the news story changed.  Eden quickly glanced at him, surprised to see the anxiety in his face.  Why would a megalomaniac like him care about the doomed Cotton? -- p. 49

Again, SHOW DON'T TELL.  We have seen ZERO evidence that Bramford is cruel or megalomaniacal, and are having to take Eden's heavily-biased word for it instead.  Give us some examples, Foyt!  Because as it stands he seems to be the most reasonable and even kindly character in the book.  

The aircraft took a sharp turn, nearly throwing her into Bramford's lap.  He looked stunned and she wondered if he had felt the same mysterious electric charge.  Was he wearing some new device that generated overwhelming magnetism? -- p. 49

Starscream's "whut" face

Geez, and here I thought I sucked at writing romance.  What the heck is this even?  Even stupid romantic comedies feel more natural than these "romantic" scenes.

Shen offers her an oxy tablet -- apparently only the military gets oxy tablets instead of helmets because they need to be able to move around.  I still think the helmets are an absolutely stupid idea and it would have made more sense to use needles, but what do I know?

Bramford also gives Eden a glass of water, despite the fact that she's already had her allotment for the day.  This is the first we've heard of a water shortage, but given that the world's so hot I guess it makes sense.  I just wish it had been brought up before now so it didn't feel so shoehorned in.

The image of her dying mother, desperate for a drink of water, burned in her mind.  Many times, shame-faced, she'd allowed Eden to sacrifice part of her nightly share.  Lasers and leather and oxy tablets, Eden could understand.  But extra water?  She wished that greedy bastard could know how it felt to live on the edge.  -- p. 50

Oh my PRIMUS, can't you accept a kind gesture as a kind gesture, you little brat?  He's trying to be nice and all you can do is bitch and moan about how awful he is?  For all you know he's giving up his own allotment for you.  But no, you have to automatically assume the worst!  Ugh...

Eden plays passive-aggressive and swallows the tablet without water.  Shen says something about a fire breaking out, and Bramford tells him to go faster.  Weirdly random bit but we'll see if it plays out into anything actually important... though there are enough things thrown in here that turn out to not be important later that it's a chancy gamble.

Bramford contacts Eden's father and says to delay the experiment until he gets there, and he complains about the heat damaging the viral samples.  Peach leans into the picture to whisper something, and of COURSE the author has to point out about her being plump.  Because all black people are fat, you know... *gags*

Peach informs her father, who informs Bramford, that the test subjects have gone missing... as has Ashina, who's supposed to report on the test subjects.  Eden's sure "that bitch" has sabotaged the operation and says so to Bramford, though thankfully he ignores her whining because he's got more important things to worry about now.

So does Bramford punish her father as a cruel megalomaniac would do?  Does he throw a fit or demand to know details?  Let's find out...

"I was afraid it would come to this."

"To what?"

He ignored her.  "Proceed as planned, doctor."

"But how?" he said, once more in view.  "No subject, no experiment."

Poor Father, he looked crushed.  This was meant to be the crowning achievement of his lifetime.  (I'd make a dig here but that'd just be mean to furries... sorry your fandom is associated with this horrible book...)

"I guarantee you'll have a subject," Bramford said.  "Just stay on schedule."

"But who?" Eden said.

Bramford took a deep breath, his hands floating to his lap.  "Me, that's who."  -- p. 51-52

So here we have a man who's willing to risk his well-being -- even his life -- for an experiment that can possibly save the world (inasmuch as turning the population of the world into cat people can save the world), and does that improve Eden's view of him?  

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Who else would be brave or stupid enough to volunteer for an illegal and highly experimental procedure?  -- p. 52

So... why isn't Bramford the hero of this book?  Seriously, Foyt has been building him up to be the bad guy who's out to have a relationship with the heroine, but he's by far the more sympathetic and heroic character of this book.  And personally I'd rather see this story from HIS point of view.  He's by far the more likable character, and has done a lot more good in the story than Eden so far.

Maybe Foyt'll write a POV sequel to this with Bramford, much like E. L. James did with Grey and Stephanie Meyer was planning to do with Midnight Sun before she pulled the plug on it.  Though given the quality of this book, do we WANT to see such a thing...

Eden's father asks him to post his genome, though if Eden's already gotten a chance at his genome I'd assume they already have a copy of it in the lab somewhere.  Bramford says "I've taken bigger risks" and Eden promptly starts griping about him again in her head.

What risks? Eden wondered.  He'd lived his life insulated by wealth and privilege.  Besides, she didn't believe he would go through with it.  He was only showing off.  -- p. 52

I wanna slap this girl.  Stop making judgments about this guy, will you?  He's already doing far more to help your father than you could ever dream of.

Eden thinks that the missing test subjects could explain why Jamal was absent, as he'd have to take care of that before coming to the Moon Dance.  I think it explains it too, but not in the same way Eden's thinking...  

The plane lands, and Eden starts immediately looking around the tunnel they've reached for Jamal.  Bramford tells her she's coming with him, she mouths off to him, and he drags her off, causing "a strange knocking in her gut."  That sounds more like gas than feelings of burgeoning love, honestly...

Never mind, her Dark Prince would save her.  -- p. 53

Honey, your Dark Prince isn't coming for you.  Get it through your head already.  And I'm gonna hazard a guess that Mr. Dark Prince sold you out and used the info you gave him to sabotage the experiment.  Which will mean that Eden, the supposed heroine of this story, has effectively done more damage than the supposed villain.  Way to go, Foyt... I don't think this was your plan, but you screwed up royally here.

Overall, a rather boring chapter, and I think it could have been meshed into the previous chapter instead of standing alone.  The plane ride feels superfluous, and I don't understand why it was needed when the labs are already located in the same set of tunnels as the rest of this place.

A common mistake of amateur writers (and I'm guilty of it as well) is thinking you have to write every last detail of the story.  And the key to writing well is understanding what's important, and what can be cut.  Unless something vital to the story happens on a journey from one point to another, we don't need to hear about the journey.  Unless something plot-vital happens during a meal, we don't need to see the meal.  There's a lot that could have been trimmed from this chapter, and it feels like it was included here just for the sake of being here.

Hopefully not so much of a delay before the next chapter...

Chapter 6 - Let's All Play the "Save the Pearls" Drinking Game!

Gather 'round, folks, it's time for the Save the Pearls drinking game!  \~/

Best GIF ever

If you drink, keep a bottle of your drink of choice close by and take a shot whenever one of the following pops up.  If you don't drink, you can substitute something caffeinated if you'd like.  Be warned -- you'll probably be quite hammered/buzzed at the end of a chapter.  And for Primus' sake DON'T try to read the whole book in one shot if you're playing the Drinking Game.  You could end up dead from liver damage or a heart attack.  XD

• Take a shot whenever a black person is literally described as black
• Take a shot whenever a black person is given a ridiculous name/nickname.  Two shots if its their real name (Peach, Ashina, etc.) and not some stupid nickname Eden came up with (such as Giant and Squeaky from the previous chapter)
• Take a shot whenever a random Latin name is tossed in
• Take a shot whenever Eden obsesses over being beautiful.  Two shots if she considers beauty more important than functionality or anything else important.
• Take a shot whenever Eden refers to Jamal as her Dark Prince
• Take a shot whenever the author screws up her research (biology, history, basic science, etc.)
• Take a shot whenever you see another, better sci-fi/dystopian franchise ripped off
• Take a shot whenever Eden starts hating on a Coal for no reason other than they're black
• Take a shot whenever the author misuses a word
• Drink the entire bottle and go read Hunger Games, Brave New World, Ready Player One, and/or Naughts and Crosses (which I'm told does the race-flip concept much better than this book) if you suspect you might actually be ENJOYING this wretched waste of wood pulp

More to be added if/when they come up...

So we left off with Eden being hauled off by two EVIL, NASTY, HORRIBLE Coals to the Moon Dance.  Don't get your hopes up that they're going to off her, we've still got over two hundred pages to go...  Eden's hoping for a rescue from Jamal, of course, but he hasn't shown.

He was late, that's all.  Preparations for the Big Night at the lab must have detained him.  He would save her.  He simply had to. -- p. 40

Nice that Foyt has given us such a strong and independent heroine, isn't it?  *sarcasm*

Her captors, helpfully labeled "Giant and Squeaky," force her into the dance hall, "packed with writhing dancers."  And here we get one of the most laughable and stupid examples of Foyt's attempt to show racism against white people in this book:

On the main stage a band of Coals performed in whiteface.  Eden's sensors told her their name: The Lost Caucasian Tribe.  A wild-looking girl whose wailing pierced the air fronted the group.  Her sheer, electric orange dress flashed, like a beacon in the somber sea of black. -- p. 40

This GIF needs to be more popular

First of all, that "sea of black" could be an example of "black people being described as black."  Take a drink!  \~/  

Second, really?  SERIOUSLY?  Yes, I know blackface was a thing that white people used to imitate and mock black people in the past -- I've even seen some examples of it, mostly in old Loony Toons and Little Rascals shows that came out long before things like Civil Rights and political correctness did.  And yes, I know that it's a sticky subject and one that's still a sore spot for people of color.  But this is just... no.  Once you use blackface in your book promotion and try to get your fans to indulge in it to promote your work, you don't get to critique it in your actual writing.  This is hypocrisy, plain and simple.

Also, the whole idea of reversing blackface to make fun of white people falls on its face here.  Why is the group called Lost Caucasian Tribe anyhow?  Historically, Caucasians have almost never come from tribes -- the word "tribe" is associated more with African-Americans, Native Americans, and other races.  Wouldn't a more appropriate word here be "clan?"  

I get the feeling that Foyt wanted to lampoon the old-time minstrel shows somehow but got mixed up in how to aim it at white people instead of black people.  Because this scene feels a bit like a missed opportunity here.  Instead of adjusting the concept to truly make fun of white people (why not have the band named The Yuppies or something and have them all wear Ugg boots or something?), she's just switching out the colors and going "good enough."  The scene's not only in bad taste, but smacks of laziness.

Vendors are selling goods in the hall as well, with Coals getting the prime spots and Pearls relegated to the "dim recesses" of the building.  There's also "a gaunt woman with feverish eyes, un-dotted and well past eighteen," trying to hit on random passerby for "a shot of oxy."  

Eden's head throbbed as she scanned the hall.  Still, no sign of her Dark Prince.  If he failed her, she'd end up like that poor woman, begging for a shot.  She'd rather be dead.  -- p. 41.

Um... I thought un-mated Pearls over eighteen got tossed outside.  And while it's possible that one might slip through the cracks, I highly doubt she'd get away with it by hanging out at a public event like the Moon Dance.  And wasn't Eden worried that she WOULD die if she wasn't mated by eighteen?  Consistency, who needs it?

Also Dark Prince!  Take a drink!  \~/  And another for misuse of the word "tribe" earlier, why not... \~/

Eden tries to get the attention of an Ethics Officer passing by, but Giant orders her to dance instead.  She does so, "jerking" her limbs, and he promptly kisses her neck and cracks open her coating to reveal her white skin.  Somehow that gets the attention of "hundreds of Coals" who turn to stare at her with "rabid" looks.  Given how packed this place is and how much dancing is going on, would a tiny patch of skin showing through really get THAT much attention?  It's not like she's on stage or anything... does her skin glow or something?

Giant and Squeaky start to drag her off, and Eden realizes that the solders must have a plan for her and her capture might not be pure coincidence.  So she FINALLY shows some self-preservation instincts and bites Giant's wrist, then drops to her hands and knees and crawls off through the crowd, tripping people up before she gets up and tries to run for it.

She twisted her slender frame through the throng until a couple of hard-bodies (I didn't add that hyphen, it's in the book) pinned her between them.  Grinning, two male Pearls bobbed with her to the beat.  Their glassy eyes, full of wild hope, and their papery, red-tinged skin told her they had The Heat.  Probably, celebrating one last Moon Dance. -- p. 42

So... that's The Heat?  Sounds like a bad sunburn to me.  Unless the symptoms for cancer have radically changed over the years...

Eden knees one of the guys in the crotch and runs... and for some reason it's the other guy who starts crying.  What the heck?  Apparently The Heat causes mood swings, but still, this comes across as really random...

Finally Giant catches her again and hauls her back into the crowd... until someone orders him to let her go. and hits Squeaky with a stun laser.  Do lasers even come in a "stun" setting?  

Her captor turned around, dragging Eden with him.  Dark shadows hid the man's face.

"What's it to you?" Giant said.

"She belongs to me."  Just then a strobe light passed over him, revealing his dark, chiseled features.

Bramford.  Of course, he thought he owned her. -- p. 43

*facepalm*  This guy is trying to save your life, chick!  Now is not the time to start going off on a rant about him!  

Turns out it was Shen who fired the stun laser, which is apparently illegal.  He tells Giant that if he lets Eden go in five seconds, he won't have to kill him, and the big guy waits until the last second to let her go -- we know this because Bramford helpfully counts down.  I suspect this was included as a way to ramp up the tension, but when Eden is so unlikable and we have no reason whatsoever to worry about Giant's welfare, any sense of tension Foyt was shooting for in this scene is completely lost.  You can't make us worry about characters if we don't care for them first.

Giant picks up Squeaky and they take off, and if they have any sense they won't come back for the rest of this joke of a book.  Bramford pulls Eden in for a dance, and we get a weird moment that I suspect is supposed to be played for romantic tension but just feels awkward.

"Thank you for your help, sir," Eden said, trying to pull away.  "You can go now."

Bramford seemed amused and held her tight.  "Are you dismissing me?"

Why did he always make her feel so small?

"I said thanks."

"You don't want to dance with me?  Is that it?"

She felt tongue-tied with his warm body next to hers.  "Those women are waiting for you," she managed to say.

"Let them wait.  Unless you'd rather we stopped?"

Did she?  Wasn't she enjoying this?  While she hesitated Bramford's expression hardened.

"Let's go," he said, turning away. -- p. 44-45

Maybe I just don't read enough romances, maybe I just don't have any real-life romantic experience to draw from... but this whole exchange doesn't feel like flirting or any kind of romantic moment to me.  It just feels awkward, even out of character.  Eden has hated Bramford up until this point, and Bramford has only behaved professionally toward Eden up until this point.  Had Eden started thawing out gradually toward Bramford or some hint dropped earlier about Bramford being interested in her, it might not feel so out of place, but as it is this whole section feels rather forced.

Especially since Eden immediately goes back to thinking how much she despises "the Pearl-hating Coal" in the next paragraph.  *sigh*  If he hated Pearls so much, why did he just save your life, brat?

She looks around the room again for Jamal, and Bramford informs her that Jamal isn't coming.  Not surprised.

Admit it, you read that line in Gilbert Gottfried's voice

Sweet Mother Earth, what had happened to her Dark Prince?  (Take a drink! \~/ )  Once more, Eden tried to connect with his Life-Band.  Still, no response.  The devastating truth hit her: Jamal wasn't coming.

Eden caught a glimpse of Bramford weaving through the crowd.  Any second, it would swallow him without a trace.  She had no choice but to follow the arrogant bastard. -- (p. 46)

Nice way to think about the guy who just saved your life.  Why are we supposed to care about the protagonist again?

Chapter 5 -- Everybody's a Little Bit Racist, But Eden's Hogging Her Share

I am suddenly glad for the minor "breather" that was last chapter -- it wasn't anywhere near GOOD, but it wasn't as head-whackingly bad as the last few.  This chapter, however... this chapter was painful.  And I'm surprised I haven't flattened my forehead with all the facepalms I've done.

Also brace yourselves -- this is gonna be a long and image-heavy one...

So Eden is off to the Moon Dance, despite being on probation.  I'm hoping they explain why it's called the Moon Dance at some point, because if these people live underground, I highly doubt they're going to be seeing the moon at all.  And I haven't seen any indication that "moon" is synonymous with "month" in this universe, which seems to be a common thing in a lot of fantasy and speculative fiction.

If she focused on her feet moving ahead, she wouldn't give in to the paralyzing fear that gripped her.  What if one of her co-workers saw her and reported her illegal leave to Bramford? -- (p. 33)

Yes, this again...

Maybe this is just me being nitpicky, but I'd have picked a different word than "illegal."  Unless Bramford's part of the government (and as far as I can see he's just a businessman and has nothing to do with Uni-Gov), taking an unapproved day of leave would be against the rules, but not necessarily illegal, as "illegal" suggests breaking government laws instead of work policies.  Perhaps Foyt meant "illicit" or "clandestine" or even "unapproved?"  Then again, she's already made it clear that she's not good at picking appropriate words for any occasion...

She couldn't think about the risk or she might lose her nerve and return home.  Never mind, she simply had to reach the regional plaza where her Dark Prince waited.  -- (p. 33)

Maybe another nitpick, but I am getting sick and tired of Dark Prince being thrown around all the time.  We get it, he's black, shut up about it.  And by continuously using this term, Eden proves that she only cares about Jamal because of his skin color.  Does Foyt realize that preferring someone because of their skin color can be just as racist as hating someone because of their skin color?  Did she TRY to make her protagonist such a racist little brat?

We get some snippets of description of life in the tunnels, including Coals riding bicycles or in rickshaws.  Um... they have super-duper holographic technology, but not high-tech transportation?  Did they just blow all their resources on the World Band and run out of funds for hovercraft or personal hoverboards?

Then again, this wouldn't be the first sci-fi series

to just randomly throw in a rickshaw...

Also, if this society lives in underground tunnels, it would make far more sense to have a mass transit system, such as a train, than for people to scoot around on bikes and rickshaws.  (She even mentions such a mass-transit system later in the chapter, which renders the bikes and rickshaws redundant.)  Tunnels and bicycles don't sound like a healthy mix to me, and if the tunnels are as overcrowded as Eden claims they are, then there's very little benefit to even having a bicycle -- ever tried to ride a bike through a crowd?

We also get mentions of military sirens (but no reason why they'd be going off -- are the Combs under attack?) and vendors hawking wares from recessed stalls in the walls.  There's also mention of dozens of languages and how Eden's sensors automatically translate everything to English, though if society has been trapped underground for very long, you'd think they'd have established a common language by now.

Oh, and we're also treated to this LOVELY snippet.

She suspected that each and every Coal passerby wanted to hurt her, though the statistical odds against that were high.  -- (p. 33)

Foyt... you do realize that this is exactly how many RACIST people feel today when around black people?  Did the irony of making your main character terrified of black people not strike you at any point?  Yes, I'm sure that there are black people today who are scared of being hurt by white people, but it's far more common for it to be the opposite, for white people to automatically assume the worst of any black person -- just look at all the recent shootings of unarmed black people by cops and others who jumped the gun when confronting someone of color.

I have no idea if this is how Foyt intended to write Eden -- if she's supposed to be racist and having her let go of her prejudices will be her eventual character development -- or if Foyt's just massively ignorant of how her main character is appearing to the reader.  Either way, Eden is one heck of an unpleasant protagonist.  Even Bella Swan wasn't THIS unlikable.

Yes, we're still on the first page of the chapter.  I warned y'all...

"How can you read this?"

"Because I'm a masochist at heart, Gaston."

Eden's still panicking about being outside her room as she heads for the dance, and she's sweating enough that she's worried about it messing up her coating.  She also remarks that it's "only a hundred and ten degrees Fahrenheit in the tunnel.  Not bad for a spring night."  

Foyt IS aware that even if your skin is dark, whether naturally or artificially, you can STILL die of heatstroke, right?  At a hundred and ten degrees Eden and everyone else who's spent very long in the tunnels should be having major health problems.  We've just had a hundred-and-ten-degree heat spell in my area and it's led to people being hospitalized, even to deaths.  If a hundred and ten is mild for the tunnels, why isn't the entire population of the Combs DEAD by now?

Eden's wearing high heels and a techno dress tonight -- and no, I have no idea what a techno dress is and Google Image gave me fifty different types of "techno dress" to choose from.  Must be a future thing, though we don't get a very good description of it other than it's frayed and losing its sheen.

There's a high-speed bullet train picking up passengers (again, why ride bikes and rickshaws in the tunnels when there's a perfectly good mass transit system?), and Eden waits for the line to die down before getting on.  Two drunk Coals are right behind her, just to provide the "big scary black man" stereotype and justify Eden's fright.  So much for trying to defy stereotypes, Foyt...

The back section of the train is reserved for Pearls, which is the first realistic depiction of black-against-white racism so far in the book.  I was expecting more of this than just "Coals hate Pearls and want to kill them," but I guess I was expecting too much from a lady who thinks Pearl is a racist slur.

Yes, tell us again how these are worthless

and weak, Foyt... and you ARE aware pearls

come in other colors, even black, right?

While on the train, Eden shows off telepathic skills.  Okay, not really, but she can apparently feel the negative emotions coming off of everyone on the train.  Which is reasonable to an extent -- most people can read the emotions of others to some degree -- but the way it's described here makes Eden seem almost superhuman.  Or she's just jumping to conclusions, which is entirely possible too.

She felt a malevolent current coursing through the riders on the transport.  Not only from Coal to Pearl, or from Tiger's Eye to Amber, but within each racial group.  The Uni-Gov got it wrong.  The monthly Moon Dance usually left a wake of mayhem throughout each zone.  -- (p. 35)

I say again -- why doesn't the Uni-Gov just keep everyone in their rooms and pull a Matrix instead of forcing everyone to mingle if they hate each other so much?  They certainly have the technology.  And zone?  We've heard nothing about zones up to this point... is this going to get explained at all or is it just another silly term that's going to fall by the wayside?

Eden wonders about Ms. Polka-Dot Bikini (from her Beauty Map in the first chapter) and what she'd think of this ruined, hateful world.  Then we get an info-dump as Eden starts thinking about her father's experiment, and how it'll supposedly save mankind.  Too bad we couldn't have seen this info firsthand instead of getting an info-dump flashback right now...

Oh, and Eden's father never let her in on the experiment -- Eden is just SO SMART that she figured out what he was doing herself.  Guh... Mary Sue levels rising... though so far the only indication that Eden is smart is that she knows a lot of Latin scientific names.  Still not convinced.

Eden's father's big plan?  An "Interspecies Structural Adaptation."  A.K.A. making humankind into a race of furries.

...I REALLY wish I was making that part up.

On a random note, I had no idea there were goat

furries until this moment...

Only her crazy Father would think of implanting a human being with genetic material from key animals that thrived in the hottest climates.  Only he might succeed, too.  His secret approach to programming the epigenome -- the genetic master control for DNA -- allowed him to skirt the pesky problem of one species rejecting another's code.

(Kenya's note:  So we're not going to try to undo the damage we did to the Earth, we're just gonna hack our DNA to get out of our own mess?  Okay then...)

This wasn't going to be some mild genetic exchange, either.  Valuable DNA had been gathered from nearly extinct species with tremendous effort and probably a lot of Bramford's uni-credits.

(And Bramford is still supposed to be the bad guy?  Seems to me he should be seen as an ally to the heroes, not a villain -- oh wait, he's a Coal.  Of COURSE he has to be evil, silly me...)

The primary genetic donor was the ultimate jungle predator, a jaguar, Panthera onca.  (New drinking game, drink every time a pointless Latin name is thrown in.)  Even better, a melanistic cat with a black coat had been found.  Its coloring would not only increase resistance to solar radiation, but also minimize the appearance of camouflage spots, for vanity's sake.  (If you're working on saving humankind, why are you worried about vanity?  Why are we still going on about "black is beautiful" even with animals?  And for the last time, just because something is black doesn't mean it's immune to solar radiation!)  

The jaguar's only natural enemy, the green anaconda, Eunectes murinus, contributed its cold-blooded resistance to heat.  (Most nature websites I've looked at says that even the anaconda isn't a predator toward the jaguar, and actually heat can be even more deadly to cold-blooded animals than to warm-blooded, because they can't regulate their internal temperatures.)  The third donor in this potent cocktail was the Harpy Eagle, Harpia harpyja, the most powerful raptor in the world.  It could spot a bug from a hundred yards in the air, and its keen vision had been added to the mix.  (Don't know how super-vision is supposed to help defend you against heat...)

Land, water, and air -- a brilliant killing machine.  (Again, what does this have to do with protecting you against heat?)

If her father's work succeeded, a Pearl might be able to withstand solar radiation as well as, or even better than, a Coal.  Maybe then Pearls would no longer be treated like garbage.  And maybe -- did Eden dare think it -- even she might be beautiful.  -- (p. 36-37)

Still on about being beautiful, are we, Eden?  Gah, you're not only racist, you're the shallowest human being I've ever met in a work of fiction.  *gags*

So... basically Mr. Newman's plan to save the world is to turn all the living humans in the world into animal-human hybrids -- essentially furries.  Seriously?  THAT is the master plan?  This is so stupid I can't even laugh at it.  How did anyone decide that turning the world's population into cat/snake/bird people would make everyone magically immune to solar radiation?  What is the logic behind this?  Did ANY thought go into this plan -- either on the characters' end or the author's end?  I have a feeling the answer on both counts is a resounding "no."

And yes, I know DNA splicing goes on today, and that scientists mix all kinds of DNA together to create new chimera-creatures -- and the ethics of all that is a can of worms I don't care to open in this blog.  But I get the feeling that this isn't how it works at all.  I can only imagine what kind of rage-fit an actual geneticist would have upon reading this chapter.

I know Prowl's not a scientist, but I think he'd be

pretty upset by the insult to logic that is this book

And even if we give Foyt the benefit of the doubt and assume that, in this futuristic alternate reality, gene splicing DOES work this way... wouldn't it make more sense to use desert animals for the DNA sources?  Fennec foxes, horned toads, kangaroo rats, roadrunners, armadillos, jackrabbits, and other animals that are biologically suited to living in hot, waterless climates?  (Though a lot of that has to do more with their behaviors, such as staying out of the sun and venturing out mostly at night to hunt and forage, but still...)  The again, those creatures aren't pretty or badass like jaguars, pythons, and eagles... but still, if you wanted awesome as well as practical, go for a cougar/rattlesnake/desert hawk mix, not jungle animals.

Eden's dad, understandably, is pretty irritated that she figured it out and warns her not to tell anyone else -- it's dangerous and illegal.  Apparently Bramford's only helping so he can use the discovery to get power for himself, but he's promised to be fair to Mr. Newman and his daughter, so it's hard to fault him for that.  Also this is apparently "the biggest leap in evolution since man discovered fire."  Won't the furries be happy to hear THAT...

For the record, folks, I have nothing personally against most furries.  The furries I've met happen to be very nice people who just happen to like anthropomorphic animals and/or occasionally dressing up as them.  And while they get a bad rap on most of the Internet, I'm a grown woman who collects robot toys, so I can't exactly point fingers.  But this book, in addition to being ill-researched and very confused in its approach to racism, is also toting turning the world's population into furries as a serious solution to the global warming problem.  I'm sure even a lot of furries would think that's laughable.

Oh, and apparently despite her father's warning, Eden told someone.  Three guesses who.

Eden never had intended to tell anyone.  But then, Jamal wasn't just anyone.  It had seemed only natural to share her life with him.  Besides, he liked smart women.  But if she were honest, she'd have to admit she really wanted him to know that one day she might be more desirable.  -- (p. 38)

WHAT PART OF "DON'T TELL ANYONE" DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND, YOU LITTLE TWAT?!  Did your father say "don't tell anyone but Jamal" or "don't tell anyone but your Dark Prince" or "don't tell anyone except if you feel like it and the guy is hot, then it's perfectly okay?"  No!  Do you realize what you've done, you little self-centered... *grumblegrumblegrumble*

Gah... they say it's a good sign when a villain in a book makes you want to reach in and strangle them.  What does it say when it's the book's protagonist that inspires the murderous feelings in you?  All I can say is, if this DOESN'T come back to bite her in the aft at some point, I'm gonna hunt Foyt down just so I can throw this book at her head.

So an hour later the train finally stops at the Regional Hall, where the dance is.  Eden gets in line to get off, only to come face to face with two FFP soldiers with "berets over their shaved heads," which makes me think less of a KKK ripoff and more of mimes, but whatever.

The larger of the duo, a blue-black giant, smiled at her and licked his lips.  His tall, skinny friend laughed.  -- (p. 38)

Black person being literally described as black!  Take a drink!

I will NEVER get tired of this GIF...

And of course, the two Coals have to harass Eden as she gets off the train, because despite Foyt's insistence that this book is about defying racial stereotypes, she has to indulge in the classic "racist white girl's nightmare" of two scary black men targeting an innocent white girl out on her own.  *retch*  And even worse, we get a "childhood ditty" that I can't imagine ANY parent wanting to teach their child:

Little Pearly whirly

lost inside the mines

tossed from Coal to Coal

in fear she whines

"I'm sorry, Mother

he said he only wanted

to see my white skin shine."

Yeah, you read that right... a RAPE song.  A song about a white girl being attacked by a gang of black men.  No wonder this book was self-published -- any legitimate publisher with any shred of decency would have set the manuscript on fire and run screaming from this bit.

Seriously, I get sick and tired of authors using rape as a cheap plot device in even the best of books.  And for Foyt to indulge in it here -- and make a racist caricature of it, no less -- is just horrific.  How can she claim this book is meant to be anti-racist when it indulges in some of the most horrible racist imagery and caricatures at every opportunity?  It's almost like this book was written by a white supremacist who's trying to scream "Look!  This is what the world will become if black people are in charge!  Hide your white women and protect yourselves!"

(And the writer in me manages to shake off the horror enough to say that the rhymes in this song are forced and there's no sense of meter or rhythm whatsoever, but frankly, there's nothing salvageable in that song anyhow.  Or most of this book, for that matter.)

"Leave me alone," Eden said, shakily.  "Someone is waiting for me.  Someone important -- one of your people."

"He won't mind if we share a little Pearl stew," Squeaky said.  -- (p. 39)

Ugh.  Just... ugh.

Eden tries to scream, one of the Coals pulls a knife, and Eden's positive she's about to be killed... and chapter ends.  Thank Primus, I dunno how much more of that I could take.

What Foyt fails to realize is that there's far more to racism than just "hurting and killing the people you don't like."  Yes, that's part of racism, but the greater part of it is dividing people -- having separate schools, restaurant sections, drinking fountains, buses and bus sections, etc., and giving one group preference over another group based on skin color or any other factor.  Racists who want actual violence against people of a different race are actually fairly rare -- it's less about "kill 'em all" and more about "keeping them in their place" or "you can't trust them."  And while the more extreme versions of racism (the recent cop shootings, the KKK's lynching and burning, the Holocaust during WWII) are certainly far more attention-grabbing, almost everyone can agree they're very wrong -- it's the subtler versions of racism that are more insidious and that deserve to be railed against.

But in Eden's world, racism apparently means that you live in fear of being raped and killed every day, but otherwise aren't oppressed all that much.  And while fearing for your life is a form of oppression, she seems to think that that's all there is to it.  And unfortunately, her view of racism looks less like actual racism and more like a hyperbolic vision of the future by an actual racist.

I'm a teetotaler and I still feel like I need a freaking drink after this chapter...

Chapter 4 - Just Bite the Mary Sue Already, Dog

Independence Day in my country, and how do I celebrate it?  By reading a Primus-awful book and commenting on it.  I must be some kind of masochist.

With the previous chapters of this book, I've been reading the chapter as I create the blog posts, essentially commenting as I go.  This time I actually sat down and read the whole chapter, then gave myself a little time to process it before I go back to re-read and comment on it.  Hopefully this makes for a better sporking experience.

So Eden is preparing for a hot date with her "dark prince" Jamal.  I was expecting to see her go out into the real world for this, but apparently "date" in this instance just means Jamal visiting her apartment in hologram form.  Well... I guess her wearing a nightgown instead of an evening gown makes a LITTLE more sense now, inasmuch as anything in this book makes sense.

"How's my Little Bunny" he said.  (Kenya's note -- no, I don't know why "Little Bunny" is capitalized either.)

"Jamal," she said, her sensors registering the warmth of his arms as they snaked around her. -- (p. 27)

Wait, wait, wait, so these holograms are REAL?  As in, you can actually touch them as well as see and hear them?  People can access virtual reality in this world?  It IS a Ready Player One ripoff!  Okay, so probably more a ripoff of the Holodeck from Star Trek, but still... is there no sci-fi series sacred here?  I just hope we don't get a scene where Eden finds out Bramford is really her father or something...

Austin shot up, growling.  She had forgotten about him.  It was embarrassing, really.  As if she'd trained her dog to hate Coals.  Maybe he wasn't color-blind, after all.  (p. 27)

Oh, lay off the "color-blind" bit, lady.  It's starting to get annoying.  I was going to ignore it, but seeing as it's come up three times now, I'm going to say that all this focus on "the characters are color-blind" is starting to grate on me.  Claiming you're color-blind, that you don't see people as having color, has some unfortunate implications of its own -- you're implying that everyone is exactly the same.  What about acknowledging that people have color, but that they're still good nonetheless and entitled to the same rights and privileges?  I'd rather celebrate diversity than have someone constantly crow about "we're all the same!"

Also, did it occur to Eden that Austin's just reacting to a strange man showing up in the apartment, and not just the fact that he's black?  Don't get mad at the dog for doing his job -- almost any dog is going to have a fit if a stranger intrudes on its territory.  It could also be that Foyt's trying to foreshadow that Jamal's not as nice as he appears to be by having Austin "smell" trouble on him.  Yay for the Evil-Detecting Dog, I guess?

So Eden gives her dog the boot by locking him in the other room (so much for giving her a dog to make her more sympathetic), and then we get this:

To her delight, things progressed in the right direction when Jamal kissed her for the first time.  His lips were moist and searching.  The heat coming off of his body loosened her limbs.  It couldn't be any better if he were actually present.  -- (p. 27-28)

*shudder*  I can't think of any word less appropriate for a kissing scene than "moist."  Seriously, don't have this word show up in any romantic scene EVER, please.

If you're not baking, "moist" has no business

being in your conversation

But word choice aside (Foyt sucks at descriptive phrases), this scene raises all sorts of questions.  Such as... if their holograms/VR technology are this good, then WHY does anyone actually leave their rooms at all?  In this post-apocalyptic society where nobody dares go outside, if you have the tech to make holograms or VR this good, why not just give everyone the VR tech and then keep them in their rooms?  They'd be happy, they wouldn't be running around all over the place wasting resources, and they could even create avatars of themselves that physically look however they want them to look -- black, white, fat, thin, green and scaly, whatever.  You could make the world into the freaking Matrix and everyone would still be better off.

Of course, with that solution, we'd have no bitter Pearls/Coals battle or earnest, ham-fisted exploration of racism and its effects.  *sigh*  Ready Player One DID do this better, and Cline even managed a bit of commentary on race that didn't feel forced or like he was beating the reader over the head with it...

Moving on... Eden's life band alerts her that she's overstimulated, and even Jamal suggests they slow down.  But Eden refuses and throws herself at him, thinking how they don't want her to mate and she's going to show them.

"Whoa, pet.  I'm receiving dangerous signals.  I don't want you to explode.  I need you around."

"You do?"

"You have no idea."

"Oh."  That meant he wanted to pick up her option to mate, right?  -- (p. 28)

We get it, you want a black husband as protection against all the other meanie Coals, stop hammering us over the head with it!  Gah... does Foyt assume we're all stupid and need to hear everything fifty times?

Then we're given a random flashback to how Eden and Jamal first met that feels rather uncomfortably wedged in, without much transition from the making-out scene to the scene from the past.  Couldn't some effort have been made to smooth out the transition?  Apparently at one point the scanning robot broke and Jamal had to stand in for it, and promptly began flirting with Eden first thing.

"You're an honest girl.  I like that, too."

Too?  What else could he possibly like about her?  He had to know she was a Pearl.  It said so right there on the scanner.  Besides, even with the best skin coating, everything about her screamed lower class.  And yet, he'd stared at her with an openness that had made Eden blush.  No one had ever looked at her for so long or with such sincere interest. -- (p. 29)

I have to wonder why any Pearl wears skin coating if everyone automatically knows they're Pearls anyhow.  It can't be for protection from the sun if everyone lives underground, and if everyone knows you're white even with skin coloring, then you're not really "passing," are you?  The whole skin-coating thing feels like Foyt's just trying to take blackface and make it something less offensive -- which, given blackface's nasty history, was doomed to failure right from the start.

"I get it.  You don't think I like your blue eyes, right?  You're wrong about that.  Maybe some day you'll let me see the real you, Eden Newman." -- (p. 29)

No, Jamal, run!  Run away!  Trust me, you DON'T want to see the real Eden Newman, she's an entitled brat who only wants you as a means to an end!  

So we're told that Jamal and Eden have been dating for a few months in secret, and then we're awkwardly dropped back into the present, where Jamal's hologram is laying beside her.  I can be grateful to that forced flashback for one thing -- it saved me from having to read Foyt's attempts at writing a sex scene.

It probably would have gone something

like this -- and yes, there's a trope for that

Jamal suggests that her probation is a good thing, because it means she's off work tomorrow and can go to the Moon Dance with him.  That gets Eden excited -- not because of the Moon Dance in particular, but because, yes, that stupid mate option.

It was all that Eden had hoped for.  A Coal didn't take a Pearl out in public unless he or she intended to pick up the other's mating option.  And what more public event to show his intentions than at a Moon Dance?  By law, everyone had to attend at least nine a year.  The Uni-Gov insisted these events reduced the frequent violence that naturally resulted from the crowded conditions of the tunnels.

Eden squealed with delight.  She could almost picture a white dot on her dusky-coated forehead.  Mated, and with a desirable Coal! -- (p. 30-31)

My point from earlier still stands -- if you're worried about violence and overcrowding, why not pull a Matrix and just keep everyone in their hologram/VR worlds on an indefinite basis?  That way everyone's happy and there's no cause for violence.  Eden can have her dark prince and hang out with Aunt Emily in her anachronistic time period and be perfectly happy, and we wouldn't need this pointless, offensive book.

Also, we don't need constantly beat over the head with the heroine's goal every other page.  Readers aren't goldfish -- we know what Eden wants.  You won't let us forget.  Seriously, stop it.

At least Eden has enough brains to worry about some of the details -- she's still on probation, and Jamal has to be on duty tomorrow night because of the still-unspecified experiment.  Jamal assures her that he can get clearance and can get someone else to cover his shift, and tells her it's "time for Jamal to make a righteous move," whatever that means.  

Jamal says good night and vanishes, then Eden gets another message, which she answers, thinking it's Jamal again.  Maybe I just don't date enough, but why would a guy call back two seconds after the date has ended, especially when he's already said good night?

Surprise surprise, it's not her boy-toy -- it's this world's equivalent of the KKK.

Instead of his heart-warming face, she saw the dreaded logo of the Federation of Free People: a swirl of black that spun around until it erased a small white circle.

Quit, quit!  It disappeared but she sat there, reeling.  Horrific stories about murdered or missing Pearls ran through her mind.  -- (p. 31-32)

I'm a little confused as to what the Federation of Free People is supposed to mean.  It sounds more like some kind of rebel task force than a terrorist organization.  And really, we've only gotten mentions of them up until now -- we really don't see anything to hint that they're actually dangerous.  Can we get examples instead of you just telling us, Foyt?  

Also why would they be randomly calling a Pearl just to spam her with their logo?  Sounds more like something 4chan or Anonymous would do, not a KKK analog.

Eden finally lets the dog back in and hugs him for comfort, pleading with him to be nice to Jamal, because he'll be her mate if she's lucky.  Just bite her already, dog...

Comparatively, this chapter wasn't quite as bad as some of the preceding ones... though that's kind of like saying walking on broken glass isn't quite as bad as walking on burning coals.  There's still some big gaps in logic in this world Foyt's built, and I'm not feeling a shred of sympathy for her Mary Sue self-insert character.

Here, have a puppy picture to make up for things: