Chapter 28 -- Being a Cat Person Makes You Mystical

Pushing forward...

Bramford has just saved Eden from the Incredible Hulk of the snake world (why???), and now the two of them are cuddling on the riverbank.  Seems an odd place to cuddle, but whatever, I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that Foyt wants these two to be an item and is going to insist on it no matter what.  *sigh*

Bramford asks if she's all right, and she thinks that she's never felt happier, though she aches all over.  Despite the fact that his hand got torn up by the snake, Bramford checks her over for injuries first, and points out that she's broken a few ribs but will be okay otherwise.  I don't really get why writers treat broken ribs as no big deal.  Sure, it's not as serious as a broken limb or neck, but these are still the shell that protect your innards from getting messed up on a daily basis.  Not to mention a severely broken rib can actually puncture or shred the very internal organs they're meant to protect, if one doesn't seek treatment.

You're welcome for your daily nasty mental image

Speaking of nasty mental images, though...

His gaze traveled down her wet dress.  Plastered against her skin, it hid nothing.  She felt shy as his eyes devoured her, inch by inch.  He licked his lips and reached for the blue bow tied at her breast.  Eden held still, though a storm rocked inside of her.  His thick fingers brushed against her skin as he fumbled with the ribbon.  She titled [sic] toward him with a little shiver. -- p. 195-196

Please not a sex scene, please not a sex scene, please not a sex scene... I really don't want to read a sex scene written by Victoria Foyt, please not a sex scene...

By some miracle, we don't get a sex scene.  Instead Bramford demands to know where Eden got the dress.  And for some reason Eden doesn't say Maria gave it to her, just tells him "don't you recognize it?  It's Rebecca's."  Is she just trying to tick Bramford off at this point?  Despite the fact that she clearly has feelings for him and he just saved her life?

[Bramford] shot to his feet.  She had a worm's-eye view of his towering figure.  The wet loincloth molded to his hips.  Tousled hair fell down his shoulders.  Fits of sand clung to the dark skin.  Bramford was a wild, angry beast. -- p. 196

"Fits" of sand?

Bramford orders her to take off the dress.  Eden wonders what caused his sudden change of mood and criticizes herself for thinking Rebecca's dress would please such an insensitive brute."  Oh great, despite the fact that she's in love with the guy, she's still going to insult him and think of him as a brute.  And she wonders if she's just not as pretty as Rebecca and that's what's got him upset.  Never change, Eden... never change.

Eden retorts that if she finds Rebecca, she'll give the dress back.  This opens a perfect window of opportunity for these characters to just TALK about who Rebecca is and what happened to her, but nope, why let everyone talk about it when you can just milk the mystery for another ten chapters or so, amirite?

His jaw muscles pulsated.  Flinty hardness armored the eyes. -- p. 196

Foyt, no more metaphors, they're not your strong point.  Actually, writing itself isn't your strong point.  Maybe take up knitting or something as a hobby...

Bramford stalks back to the river, over the "tessellated ground."  Um... "tessellated" means "arranged in or having the appearance of a mosaic" or "checkered," according to Dictionary.com.  Or it could also mean "covered in the same geometric shape in a repeating pattern."  I'm not sure how this applies to the floor of a jungle...

This again...

Bramford picks up an anaconda tooth and hands it to Eden.  She says it's horrible, but he argues that it's one of nature's greatest creations and he's sorry he had to kill it.  Of course Eden gripes that "naturally, Bramford took a contrary position."  What, is no one allowed to disagree with you, Eden?  People are allowed to have different opinions...

Eden argues that the snake would have killed both of them had he let it live, and he replies "is that so terrible?"  He takes that to mean he doesn't care about her -- yay, self-centered to the last, girl -- but I took it to mean that he's depressed enough about being stuck as a furry that he's become self-destructive.  That'd be an interesting interpretation of what's happened to him and why he's gone off on all these hunts, come to think of it -- who WOULDN'T be a bit depressed and self-destructive about being transformed against one's will into a cat-man, learning there's no reversing it, and getting saddled with an egotistical racist brat in the process?

Okay, I'm analyzing this crappy book too much, moving on...

Me trying to salvage some kind of redeeming quality in this

book via over-analyzing it

Eden decides he must be talking about the Coatlicue myth (yes, I know it's a real Huaorani belief, but don't force an Aztec goddess into the belief system of an entirely different people, yeesh), and insists it's just a silly superstition.  Bramford replies "is it?" and sets off to gather vines.  

"We're all connected," he said over his shoulder.  "If I'd lost the fight I would have provided fuel for the anaconda.  Instead, its tooth becomes my tool.  Does it matter?"  He snapped the vines with the tooth, as if to prove his point.

"Of course it matters," Eden said.  "We have to survive."

He cast a withering glance over his shoulder.  "You only think so because you're human." -- p. 198

Eden ignores any of Bramford's imparted wisdom to mope that he sees her as different and thus can't love her.  Bramford doesn't seem to realize he's talking to a brick wall and keeps going:

"Man thinks he's above nature when in fact he's its slave," he said, pulling down two huge leaves from a giant banana tree.  "Look at you, Eden.  Without walls to enclose you you're afraid of everything.  Don't you see?  Your fear invited the anaconda to attack.  Try to think of yourself on the same plane as the animals in the forest.  No better.  No worse." -- p. 198

Oh great... turning into a jaguar furry has turned Bramford into the Magical Native American or Noble Savage trope -- essentially Hollywood's way of overcompensating for racism against Native Americans in media.  Instead of portraying Native Americans or other ethnicities as backwards savages, they overshoot in the other direction and give them mystical abilities and insights that they gain by being "close to nature" or "more spiritual" or whatever.  I'm not sure whether portraying Native Americans or any other minority as magically gifted or morally superior specifically because of their ethnicity is still considered racist or not, but somehow it still has a whiff of "unfortunate implications" to me.  

Also, seeing as Bramford is black (or at least started off the story as black, not sure if getting turned into a furry changes that in the author's mind or not), does that mean he falls under both the Magical Native American and the Magical Negro tropes now?  Wow, you pulled a twofer, Foyt...

Bramford starts to braid the vines into a rope.  Eden daydreams.  What a friggin' useless protagonist...

Pinpoints of light flickered like fireflies on the opposite shore.  Their fickleness reminded her of Bramford's changing moods.  Was there some clue in nature that would help her decipher his strange meanings?  Maybe then she could calm this impossible, hammering need for him. -- p. 199

Nice to know that all our protagonist cares about is looking beautiful and lusting after a guy.  How is this supposed to be a strong female character?

For Earth's sake, he was a beast who could offer her nothing.  And yet, her body seemed to have a will of its own.  Logic failed in the face of uncontrollable, ridiculous emotions and lusty desires. -- p. 199

Yeesh... falling into the All Women Are Lustful trope, I see... can your protagonist NOT think with her hormones for once?

Also apparently Bramford is a terrible person for only caring about "the dying earth and fairy tales and animals."  So a guy is an awful person for wanting to save what's left of the world instead of making you happy.  Good to know, girl.

"The more man ruins the planet, the sicker he becomes," he went on.  "He doesn't even know why he's heartbroken.  It's solastalgia -- homesickness for the loss of one's habitat.  Like the Huaronai."  He looked up at her with a soulful expression.  "You suffer from solastalgia, Eden, whether you know it or not." -- p. 199

Foyt, you've already botched up your anti-racism message.  Don't try to go for a Green Aesop at the same time.  Why do so many of these books think that to be "meaningful" they have to tackle five messages at once?  It just clutters up the story and makes it hard to focus on any one thing.  Look at Janine Cross' Touched By Venom -- it tries to tackle issues of racism, sexism, class warfare, religion taking over the government, environmentalism, female genital mutilation, and who knows what else and just ends up being crushed under the weight of the countless issues it tries to tackle.

Of course, having too many "messages" in one story is one of the lesser problems of Touched By Venom... but that's another tale for another time.

Hmmm, another possible book to spork someday?

We will see...

Eden mopes that it's not solastalgia (I looked it up, yes, it's a real word and means a change of mood brought on by environmental changes) that's got her down but the fact that Bramford won't acknowledge that she has the hots for him.  Ugh... this little brat has learned nothing and is still just as selfish as ever.  Grow up, girl.

Also she can't believe this is the same man who used to waste precious resources and who belittled the death of her dog.  Given that you didn't show much affection for your dog in the first place, why should he be upset about that?

Bramford uses the rope to bind her ribs, "thrilling to the touch of his hands."  Then he picks her up.

She put her arms around his neck and pulled close.  He stood still, his sizzling green eyes on her.  A deep, primal groan came out of him that made her heart spin. -- p. 200

Yeesh, people groan and moan a lot in this book... did this thing start life as erotica before Foyt got the bright idea to revamp it into a YA dystopian anti-racism creed?

Bramford sets her down on the banana leaves and says she has to rest for a day or two to heal.  Well, at least someone's showing some common sense in this book.  Eden says she can't sleep in the jungle, and Bramford says "nothing is impossible."  Eden thinks if only that were true, and I'm wondering why she doesn't just talk to him about what she feels.  Communication is a two-way street, girl.

Bramford walks off, and lilies (miracle of miracles, we DON'T get the Latin name for them!) brush against his torso "like vibrant women luring him into the forest."  Add "take a shot every time there's a terrible metaphor" to the Revealing Eden Drinking Game...

Soon the only trace of Bramford was the coarse scent that clung to her skin and filled her with deep longing.  -- p. 201

I will never apologize for this screencap

Sorry in advance for all the TV Tropes links.  This book hits a lot of common tropes, and not necessarily GOOD ones.  Tropes are not a bad thing in the least -- Tropes Are Tools, after all, and there's no possible way for any story to avoid at least some of the countless cliches, tropes, and themes of fiction.  But when a story consistently falls back on some of the bad, old and tired, or just plain icky tropes, then it gets maddening.

Roughly a hundred pages to go... stay strong, we can do this!

Chapter 27 -- The Incredible Hulk of Snakes

Next!

Eden's lost in the jungle and has just fallen onto an anaconda.  Now I'm no snake expert, but I'm thinking if you've just fallen onto a giant, snake, the first thing to do is to RUN THE H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS AWAY.  I love snakes, but that would be my first reaction -- get up and get the heck out of striking range.  And I'm betting that in most cases in the wild, the snake is going to be doing the exact same thing -- okay, maybe not running, but at least trying to get away from this freakish hairless ape that's landed in its turf.

And in preparation for sporking this chapter, I've even looked up information on how to survive snake attacks!  Naturally there's not a whole lot out there -- giant snake attacks aren't exactly a common threat in most areas of the world -- but I did find this handy-dandy article on how to avoid and survive anaconda attacks.  For those who don't feel like clicking on the link, the tips are:

1.  Avoid areas where they like to hang out (such as rivers)
2.  If you see an anaconda, walk/run away
3.  If an anaconda does manage to wrap around you, fight back with a rock, your hands, anything you can get your hands on, and try not to exhale
4.  Carry a knife when you're in the jungle, it's handy

It also points out that anacondas aren't exactly swift, so unless you've broken a limb or the snake happens to catch you asleep you should be able to get away without incident.  So this scene should be over in, like, two sentences, right?  Sure, Eden has no knife and has already broken the first two rules by wandering into the jungle and falling right on the poor snake, but from here she should just get up and run away, right?

Eden quickly ticked off the cold, horrible facts about Eunectes murinus.  The anaconda was at least eight feet long and weighed around two hundred pounds -- probably a male.  A female would have been twice as long and heavier.  Not that it mattered.  The male would kill her just as well.

Um... get up and run away, girl?

Inch by inch, the water snake, as the name anaconda translated, would constrict its muscular body round her... [blah blah blah insert two more paragraphs of Eden describing an anaconda killing and eating its prey step by step]

Run away instead of laying there listing off facts?

Eden lay on her back, one leg caught in the anaconda's tail.  Snatches of forest, then a patch of sky whirled overhead, as the snake flipped her over.  Just as she feared, it began to roll its long body around her. -- p. 189

Kick it off and run away?  Also is an eight-foot snake really strong enough to flip a person over?  I have no idea...

Seriously, Eden lands on this snake, and she JUST FREAKING LAYS THERE as it wraps around her and starts to constrict her!  How stupid IS our protagonist?  Who in their right mind just LAYS there while a snake slowly wraps around them?  It's not like she landed on a jaguar, it's going to take at least a few minutes for this snake to wrap around you...

Wait, why am I complaining about this?  Please, just lay there and get eaten, Eden, put yourself and your readers out of our misery!

To her credit, Eden does start to fight back -- clawing and kicking sand at the snake.  I don't think kicking sand into a snake's face is going to do much good, especially since they have clear scales over their eyes instead of eyelids, but whatever... She starts to pity herself even as the snake's wrapping around her, thinking that no one will ever know what happened to her and "her death would be as invisible as her life had been."  Wah wah wah...

The seconds slid in seeming slow motion towards a final count like bright colored balls on an ancient abacus banging together with a loud click! -- p. 190

Yeesh, someone needs to teach Foyt when metaphors are appropriate and when they just get in the way of the writing.  Not only is this a bad place for a metaphor, but it's just a bad metaphor period.

Eden thinks her father would be fascinated to see a live anaconda, but then realizes that he'd miss her and be horrified by her being eaten.  And if she misjudged her father, maybe she's misjudged Bramford too?  Um... this sudden reversal is weird.  People don't just turn their attitudes around on a dime like this, it takes time for them to change their minds about things.  This sudden change of heart about Bramford feels forced and unnatural, and way too sudden.

Eden didn't know which hurt worse, the searing pain that spread through her body or the deep feelings of regret.  The memory of Bramford's open gaze flashed in her mind.  Why had she ruined their connection by calling for Rebecca?  Now she would never have the chance to show him what was in her heart.

At least she would leave this earth knowing she had experienced one true thing in her life. -- p. 190

Ugh, even in the middle of a life-or-death scene we get this bad romantic writing.  Shouldn't she be, I don't know, focusing on trying to save her freaking self instead of pining for Bramford?

The snake starts to drag her toward the water... and I repeat, is an eight-foot-long snake really strong enough to drag a person?  Green anacondas are some of the heaviest snakes in the world, with the really big ones getting up to 550 pounds, but an eight-foot-long snake is probably only going to weigh about sixty pounds.  And while I'm sure a sixty-pound creature could drag something bigger than it for awhile, I'm seriously doubting a snake can drag a nearly-adult human woman very far.

But eh, who needs logic in a book where being black makes you immune to the depletion of the ozone layer and scientists can turn humans into cat-people, am I right?

Black inkiness dripped behind her eyes.  She couldn't fight the paralyzing slide into darkness any longer.

Sleep, Eden. -- p. 191

I'm just here to watch our unlikable main character

kick the bucket...

Just as things look bleakest for our protagonist (and happiest for the exasperated reader), the snake stops moving.  Wait, what?

Eden heard feverish birdcalls in the distance.  They bounced closer and closer, as if the birds passed a baton of terror down the jungle route. -- p. 191

Yeesh, these are awful metaphors.  Also, snakes are deaf, this anaconda shouldn't be able to hear the birds making noise.  But I digress...

Because we can't be so lucky and we've still got a little over a hundred pages to go, Bramford jumps in to save the day.  How convenient.

yay

Bramford sprang forward, snarling.  His feral eyes flared.  His brow pressed in fierce concentration.  [His brow... pressed?  What?]  His muscles rippled, as he attacked the anaconda faster than her dulled senses could follow.

Oh, he was magnificent. -- p. 191

The snake responds by... using its tail to throw Eden into the river?  Is this the Incredible Hulk of the reptilian world or something?  Somehow Foyt seems to think that an eight-foot anaconda -- which, while too big for comfort for most of the snake-fearing world, is still modestly sized for a boa constrictor -- is going to have the strength of a T-Rex.  Did all her research on anacondas come from that terrible movie about the giant snake?  And she DOES realize that an eight-foot snake isn't going to be as strong as a larger reptile, right?  Right?

Pictured -- Not a freaking documentary!

Eden's struggling not to drown in the river, but still manages to catch glimpses of a "gruesome battle" to the death, which mostly consists of Bramford grabbing the snake and beating its head while the snake tries to bite him in the heart.  Um... I highly doubt a snake is going to go for the heart.  Usually anacondas and other constrictors just grab whatever part they can reach (though they do like to try for the head first thing) and wrap their body around their prey.  It's not like this thing is venomous...

Eden screams "No!" and distracts Bramford, and the snake bites his hand.  Bramford roars, and Eden decides to FINALLY do something proactive and grabs the snake's tail.  It starts to swing her around, and seriously, Foyt, this is the most laughable fight scene I've ever read and I plowed my way through the entire Inheritance Cycle. *rimshot!*

Too briefly, she locked eyes with Bramford and felt the thrill of a powerful connection.  She wasn't imagining it.  They were allies, if only in their fight to survive. -- p. 192

I'm still not buying this instant turnaround in her thoughts toward Bramford here.  You can't spend almost two-thirds of a book hating the man's guts and then suddenly turn around into being friendly to him.  Show some character development, for crying out loud -- and no, thinking he's hot while hating his guts doesn't count.

Bramford shocks Eden by shoving his hand deeper into the snake's throat... which, shocker of shockers, is actually the proper way to respond to a boa constrictor bite, as it makes them lose their grip and forces them to let go to get their fangs back into you.  Then he... headbutts the snake to death?  Okay, moment of smartness gone...

The dead snake slides into the water on top of Eden, and she's pinned beneath it.  Um... push it off of you and get to the surface?  An eight-foot snake isn't going to be exceptionally heavy, and surely you can push sixty pounds off you?  Especially since you're in the water and that helps displace some of the weight?  But no, our precious protagonist can't rescue herself from a situation and she drifts downstream, helpless and drowning, until Bramford hauls her out of the water.

Her Jaguar Man had saved her once again.  Contentment filled her as she pillowed her head against his heaving chest.  She breathed in his musky scent and felt a lovely lift, as if a bird were trilling inside the top of her head.

What else did she need in life besides the warmth of his body next to hers?  She was done with regrets.  From now on, she would follow her heart.  In fact, she would forgive the past and start fresh with Ronson Bramford.

Eden licked tiny beads of water that clung to the hairs on his chest with the tip of her tongue.  His full-throated rumbling sounded full of yearning.  She threw her arms around his neck with a little cry.  Pulling her tight against his body, he groaned heavily. -- p. 193-194

Yeugh... I can't be the only one squicked out by this, right?

Eden says "I'm sorry for everything," and because we can't have anything getting in the way of our precious beauty-and-the-beast romance, Bramford forgives her instantly.  Given that this girl has been responsible for everything terrible that's happened to you up to this point, Bramford, I would NOT be so quick to forgive.  Besides, she hasn't exactly proven she's no longer a threat to your safety...

Eden thinks that "the Real Eden" feels truly seen now (I still don't get the whole "Real Eden" thing going on here...), and "why had she ever wanted to leave this wonderful creature in the first place?"  Yay, forced romance, end chapter...

Can I go bang my head against a wall now?  Because now that Foyt has chosen to strangle her characters with the Red String, I'm sure Bramford's going to no longer be the most likable character in the book and we're going to be subjected to even more lovey-dovey talk and badly-written romantic bits.  Ick...

Stay cool, Kenya, we only have a hundred pages or so to go... you can do this...