Don't worry, the book in question isn't terribly long -- only about a hundred pages or so according to Amazon. It shouldn't take too long to breeze through it and get back to Eden. As for the book in question... let's just say it's a terrible effort by a well-known and highly-respected (or at least highly-respected at one time) author, and one that created quite a bit of backlash when it was first published. Stay tuned...
Anyhow, on to the next chapter of this train wreck!
Oldie but a goodie
Eden takes off into the jungle with her backpack, as sunlight "strafes" through the trees. I'm now thinking of laser guns, but whatever... We get a mention of "silvery specks" in the trees "as if dozens of eyes watched her." For being a desolate wasteland destroyed by the heat, there's sure a lot of animals in this world. Unless Eden's hallucinating, which is possible but hasn't been alluded to up to this point.
Off-topic but the hallucination thing makes me wonder -- if Eden's been using oxy all her life, why isn't she showing withdrawal symptoms? Even benign or relatively harmless drugs will give you withdrawal symptoms if you stop using them after a long time of being on them -- ask anyone who's had to give up caffeine for whatever reason. If oxy is short for "oxycontin," she should be suffering from nausea, sweating, rapid heartbeat, abdominal pain, and anxiety, among other things. She's showing zilch -- and no, I don't count her freakouts as anxiety, she was doing that periodically long before this point.
Sorry, folks, but you can't make your character a drug addict and then expect to have them quit cold turkey without nasty side effects. That's a cheat, pure and simple.
Anyhow... a monkey hoots at her, and we get a quick info-dump that includes the scientific name of the capuchin monkeys and that they're named after a type of monk. We get it, you know how to use Wikipedia or Encyclopedia Britannica or whatever, how is this important to the story? The monkeys throw seed pods at her and she tries to chase them off. Just be grateful they didn't conform to the old stereotype about monkeys, I guess?
Meme not mine... and apologies for the language
Eden feels a bulge in the lining of her backpack and rips it open with her teeth (???). Lo and behold, Daisy left her a Life-Band. I don't understand how Eden could have endeared herself to the flight attendant during the flight, she showed NO signs of civil, let alone charming, behavior during that whole time. But hey, Eden is our precious special snowflake -- of COURSE everyone has to bow to her whims no matter how much of a spoiled brat she is...
Dr. Newman calls out for his "daught" (I am sick of that nickname already), and Eden reaches for her backpack... only for a monkey to steal it. Which leads to a sequence of Eden chasing the monkeys while Bramford chases her that goes on for about a page. Um, yay? I honestly can't tell if this bit is supposed to be played for laughs or drama...
Then the chase comes to its logical conclusion:
[The monkey] swung the stolen bag into the air and sent it sailing. Eden had a sick feeling, as it spiraled over a steep cliff. She skidded to a stop and looked over the edge. -- p. 115
I love how Foyt waxes eloquent when it comes to Eden getting all swoon-happy and hot and bothered over Bramford, but when it comes to seeing valuable supplies get lost it's "a sick feeling." Could this be any blander? If I'd have been writing this I'd have written it it out as "Eden felt as if she'd been punched in the gut" or "Eden stared in disbelief" or something. Of course I'd have also nixed the furry romance and the racism, but then we wouldn't have much of the original plot left...
Just like in every movie and cartoon ever, the backpack is hanging off a convenient bush several yards down the cliff... and there's a rapid-filled river at the bottom of the cliff. Eden knows if she falls she's either going to drown or go squish on the rocks, but is perfectly willing to risk her life to get the backpack and its Life-Band. Is it me, or are a lot of YA heroines way too willing to risk their lives for stupid things?
Bramford catches up to her and gives a "throttled roar." Um... "throttled" means either "forcibly choked" or "silenced," Foyt... I dunno what YOU thought it meant...
And of course, what everyone expected to happen happens -- Eden falls into the river. Yay, protagonist dead, we can all go home now!
Oh, how I wish, Porky... how I wish...
Just kidding... Eden's swept downriver by the rapids as her heart hammers "like an anvil." Um, it's not the anvil that does the hammering... Something grabs her from behind, and at first she thinks it's an anaconda. I was hoping for an alligator, but I doubt either of us is right...
Of course it's Bramford. And of course he's putting his life on the line to save this spoiled brat of a main character. This could be the most villainous thing he's done all book.
Ahead, Eden spied a series of large boulders. She screamed as they hurtled toward the first one.
Just in time, Bramford twisted her out of harm's way by wedging himself between her and the rock. He vaulted them past the danger with his powerful legs. Over and over, he navigated the tortuous obstacle course. Twice, his legs slipped, and he bashed against a huge rock. And yet, he never let Eden slip from his grasp. -- p. 116
I'm gonna guess that THIS is the turning point when Eden starts falling in love with Bramford. It's so transparently obvious that I'm not even taking bets on it. Nice to see that all it takes for a girl to stop hating a guy is for him to save her skin. Am I the only one sick of the Rescue Romance trope?
Finally they get out of the river, and Bramford drags them into a palm grove. There's an aside about how all Eden's dark coating has been washed away now, which is probably supposed to be all SYMBOLIC of something but I really don't care at this point. Not that the author dwells much on it, because look, romance!
She collapsed onto the sand beside Bramford, her limbs intertwined with his. Her head rested on his chest, rising and falling with each labored breath. His warm chin brushed the top of her head. the rapid drumming of his heartbeat in her ear reminded her of the risks he'd take.
Why on Blessed Earth had El Tigre saved her? -- p. 117
This is why I don't read romance novels...
Despite the fact that she's done nothing but hate Bramford, trash-talk him, and outright try to get him KILLED up to this point, Eden actually snuggles with him on the beach. And she thinks of him as a "ship's anchor," and that for the first time since leaving home "she didn't feel adrift in a rocky storm." Foyt needs help with metaphors...
And now, the last few paragraphs of the chapter, for your reading "pleasure."
Eden brushed her cheek against Bramford's chest and he made a soft, vibrating sound. Was he purring? He tightened his arms around her, rolling her against him. Her long golden hair fanned over his dark torso, the contrast startling her. She never had felt more exposed in her life.
At the same time, a curious, buoyant feeling welled up inside of her. Eden had experienced some pleasure with Jamal, although her sensors had manufactured it. She always had been in control, never losing sight of her goal to be mated.
Now, she felt captive to the strange, pleasurable sensations that stampeded like wild horses up and down her body. (Seriously, Foyt, ease up on the metaphors, they're not your strong point...) She never wanted to leave Bramford's side. amazingly, her abysmal circumstances and even the loss of her Life-Band suddenly seemed trivial.
Unpredictable, her father had called this beastly man. But he hadn't warned her how unpredictable she would be. -- p. 117-118
My default image for any of Foyt's attempts at writing
sexy/romantic scenes
Somehow, this last bit reminds me of a story by Anne McCaffrey -- the short story "A Meeting of Minds" from her anthology Get Off the Unicorn, which would later be expanded into a novel for her The Tower and the Hive series. Said short story is about a powerful telepathic and telekinetic girl who hopes to find a husband who's an intellectual and psychic match for her, and so vows to only fall in love with someone as powerful as she is. In the end, she ends up falling for a man much weaker psychically but who's handsome and physically muscular, and she reflects that it's only natural for a woman to be attracted to someone who can overpower her. It's an uncomfortable read, and the fact that said man is quite a bit older than her (he was a friend of her mother's) makes it even squickier, albeit off the topic at hand.
McCaffrey's story, while cringe-worthy, was a product of its time (published in the '60s). To read something similar written in the 2010s -- of a girl perfectly willing to relinquish her goals for a future mate simply because she's found a powerful and attractive man who turns her on -- is even harder to read with modern sensibilities in mind. I don't like Eden as a character, but it's still saddening and sickening to see her drop her goal (even if it's a stupid one) in favor of a guy who makes her all giddy and emotional. I know, I know, love is driven by emotions and not logic, that's the basis of just about every romance out there... but there comes a point where you need to use your head and not just think with your heart. Or your hormones.
Now we're moving on to the furry romance segment of the book... Primus have mercy on our wretched souls...
Of course it's Bramford. And of course he's putting his life on the line to save this spoiled brat of a main character. This could be the most villainous thing he's done all book.
ReplyDeleteThat was my favorite joke. XD
The different pictures and gifs you put in these reviews make the recaps all the more funny.