Chapter 27 -- The Incredible Hulk of Snakes

Next!

Eden's lost in the jungle and has just fallen onto an anaconda.  Now I'm no snake expert, but I'm thinking if you've just fallen onto a giant, snake, the first thing to do is to RUN THE H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS AWAY.  I love snakes, but that would be my first reaction -- get up and get the heck out of striking range.  And I'm betting that in most cases in the wild, the snake is going to be doing the exact same thing -- okay, maybe not running, but at least trying to get away from this freakish hairless ape that's landed in its turf.

And in preparation for sporking this chapter, I've even looked up information on how to survive snake attacks!  Naturally there's not a whole lot out there -- giant snake attacks aren't exactly a common threat in most areas of the world -- but I did find this handy-dandy article on how to avoid and survive anaconda attacks.  For those who don't feel like clicking on the link, the tips are:

1.  Avoid areas where they like to hang out (such as rivers)
2.  If you see an anaconda, walk/run away
3.  If an anaconda does manage to wrap around you, fight back with a rock, your hands, anything you can get your hands on, and try not to exhale
4.  Carry a knife when you're in the jungle, it's handy

It also points out that anacondas aren't exactly swift, so unless you've broken a limb or the snake happens to catch you asleep you should be able to get away without incident.  So this scene should be over in, like, two sentences, right?  Sure, Eden has no knife and has already broken the first two rules by wandering into the jungle and falling right on the poor snake, but from here she should just get up and run away, right?

Eden quickly ticked off the cold, horrible facts about Eunectes murinus.  The anaconda was at least eight feet long and weighed around two hundred pounds -- probably a male.  A female would have been twice as long and heavier.  Not that it mattered.  The male would kill her just as well.

Um... get up and run away, girl?

Inch by inch, the water snake, as the name anaconda translated, would constrict its muscular body round her... [blah blah blah insert two more paragraphs of Eden describing an anaconda killing and eating its prey step by step]

Run away instead of laying there listing off facts?

Eden lay on her back, one leg caught in the anaconda's tail.  Snatches of forest, then a patch of sky whirled overhead, as the snake flipped her over.  Just as she feared, it began to roll its long body around her. -- p. 189

Kick it off and run away?  Also is an eight-foot snake really strong enough to flip a person over?  I have no idea...

Seriously, Eden lands on this snake, and she JUST FREAKING LAYS THERE as it wraps around her and starts to constrict her!  How stupid IS our protagonist?  Who in their right mind just LAYS there while a snake slowly wraps around them?  It's not like she landed on a jaguar, it's going to take at least a few minutes for this snake to wrap around you...

Wait, why am I complaining about this?  Please, just lay there and get eaten, Eden, put yourself and your readers out of our misery!

To her credit, Eden does start to fight back -- clawing and kicking sand at the snake.  I don't think kicking sand into a snake's face is going to do much good, especially since they have clear scales over their eyes instead of eyelids, but whatever... She starts to pity herself even as the snake's wrapping around her, thinking that no one will ever know what happened to her and "her death would be as invisible as her life had been."  Wah wah wah...

The seconds slid in seeming slow motion towards a final count like bright colored balls on an ancient abacus banging together with a loud click! -- p. 190

Yeesh, someone needs to teach Foyt when metaphors are appropriate and when they just get in the way of the writing.  Not only is this a bad place for a metaphor, but it's just a bad metaphor period.

Eden thinks her father would be fascinated to see a live anaconda, but then realizes that he'd miss her and be horrified by her being eaten.  And if she misjudged her father, maybe she's misjudged Bramford too?  Um... this sudden reversal is weird.  People don't just turn their attitudes around on a dime like this, it takes time for them to change their minds about things.  This sudden change of heart about Bramford feels forced and unnatural, and way too sudden.

Eden didn't know which hurt worse, the searing pain that spread through her body or the deep feelings of regret.  The memory of Bramford's open gaze flashed in her mind.  Why had she ruined their connection by calling for Rebecca?  Now she would never have the chance to show him what was in her heart.

At least she would leave this earth knowing she had experienced one true thing in her life. -- p. 190

Ugh, even in the middle of a life-or-death scene we get this bad romantic writing.  Shouldn't she be, I don't know, focusing on trying to save her freaking self instead of pining for Bramford?

The snake starts to drag her toward the water... and I repeat, is an eight-foot-long snake really strong enough to drag a person?  Green anacondas are some of the heaviest snakes in the world, with the really big ones getting up to 550 pounds, but an eight-foot-long snake is probably only going to weigh about sixty pounds.  And while I'm sure a sixty-pound creature could drag something bigger than it for awhile, I'm seriously doubting a snake can drag a nearly-adult human woman very far.

But eh, who needs logic in a book where being black makes you immune to the depletion of the ozone layer and scientists can turn humans into cat-people, am I right?

Black inkiness dripped behind her eyes.  She couldn't fight the paralyzing slide into darkness any longer.

Sleep, Eden. -- p. 191

I'm just here to watch our unlikable main character

kick the bucket...

Just as things look bleakest for our protagonist (and happiest for the exasperated reader), the snake stops moving.  Wait, what?

Eden heard feverish birdcalls in the distance.  They bounced closer and closer, as if the birds passed a baton of terror down the jungle route. -- p. 191

Yeesh, these are awful metaphors.  Also, snakes are deaf, this anaconda shouldn't be able to hear the birds making noise.  But I digress...

Because we can't be so lucky and we've still got a little over a hundred pages to go, Bramford jumps in to save the day.  How convenient.

yay

Bramford sprang forward, snarling.  His feral eyes flared.  His brow pressed in fierce concentration.  [His brow... pressed?  What?]  His muscles rippled, as he attacked the anaconda faster than her dulled senses could follow.

Oh, he was magnificent. -- p. 191

The snake responds by... using its tail to throw Eden into the river?  Is this the Incredible Hulk of the reptilian world or something?  Somehow Foyt seems to think that an eight-foot anaconda -- which, while too big for comfort for most of the snake-fearing world, is still modestly sized for a boa constrictor -- is going to have the strength of a T-Rex.  Did all her research on anacondas come from that terrible movie about the giant snake?  And she DOES realize that an eight-foot snake isn't going to be as strong as a larger reptile, right?  Right?

Pictured -- Not a freaking documentary!

Eden's struggling not to drown in the river, but still manages to catch glimpses of a "gruesome battle" to the death, which mostly consists of Bramford grabbing the snake and beating its head while the snake tries to bite him in the heart.  Um... I highly doubt a snake is going to go for the heart.  Usually anacondas and other constrictors just grab whatever part they can reach (though they do like to try for the head first thing) and wrap their body around their prey.  It's not like this thing is venomous...

Eden screams "No!" and distracts Bramford, and the snake bites his hand.  Bramford roars, and Eden decides to FINALLY do something proactive and grabs the snake's tail.  It starts to swing her around, and seriously, Foyt, this is the most laughable fight scene I've ever read and I plowed my way through the entire Inheritance Cycle. *rimshot!*

Too briefly, she locked eyes with Bramford and felt the thrill of a powerful connection.  She wasn't imagining it.  They were allies, if only in their fight to survive. -- p. 192

I'm still not buying this instant turnaround in her thoughts toward Bramford here.  You can't spend almost two-thirds of a book hating the man's guts and then suddenly turn around into being friendly to him.  Show some character development, for crying out loud -- and no, thinking he's hot while hating his guts doesn't count.

Bramford shocks Eden by shoving his hand deeper into the snake's throat... which, shocker of shockers, is actually the proper way to respond to a boa constrictor bite, as it makes them lose their grip and forces them to let go to get their fangs back into you.  Then he... headbutts the snake to death?  Okay, moment of smartness gone...

The dead snake slides into the water on top of Eden, and she's pinned beneath it.  Um... push it off of you and get to the surface?  An eight-foot snake isn't going to be exceptionally heavy, and surely you can push sixty pounds off you?  Especially since you're in the water and that helps displace some of the weight?  But no, our precious protagonist can't rescue herself from a situation and she drifts downstream, helpless and drowning, until Bramford hauls her out of the water.

Her Jaguar Man had saved her once again.  Contentment filled her as she pillowed her head against his heaving chest.  She breathed in his musky scent and felt a lovely lift, as if a bird were trilling inside the top of her head.

What else did she need in life besides the warmth of his body next to hers?  She was done with regrets.  From now on, she would follow her heart.  In fact, she would forgive the past and start fresh with Ronson Bramford.

Eden licked tiny beads of water that clung to the hairs on his chest with the tip of her tongue.  His full-throated rumbling sounded full of yearning.  She threw her arms around his neck with a little cry.  Pulling her tight against his body, he groaned heavily. -- p. 193-194

Yeugh... I can't be the only one squicked out by this, right?

Eden says "I'm sorry for everything," and because we can't have anything getting in the way of our precious beauty-and-the-beast romance, Bramford forgives her instantly.  Given that this girl has been responsible for everything terrible that's happened to you up to this point, Bramford, I would NOT be so quick to forgive.  Besides, she hasn't exactly proven she's no longer a threat to your safety...

Eden thinks that "the Real Eden" feels truly seen now (I still don't get the whole "Real Eden" thing going on here...), and "why had she ever wanted to leave this wonderful creature in the first place?"  Yay, forced romance, end chapter...

Can I go bang my head against a wall now?  Because now that Foyt has chosen to strangle her characters with the Red String, I'm sure Bramford's going to no longer be the most likable character in the book and we're going to be subjected to even more lovey-dovey talk and badly-written romantic bits.  Ick...

Stay cool, Kenya, we only have a hundred pages or so to go... you can do this...