Chapters 42 and 43 -- It's the End of the Book As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

One more time, folks... 

I'm going to combine the last two chapters of Revealing Eden into one post.  These are short chapters that just serve to wrap things up, and at any rate I just want to be DONE with this freakin' book.  Thank you all for joining me on this journey... it's been a wild and crazy ride, and while it's been fun in a perverse way I'll be very glad when it's over.

So... we just had our Deus Ex Machina of an ending, with our misplaced Aztec warriors swooping in to save everyone's butts with very little effort extended by our protagonist Eden.  Yay.  *sarcasm*  Now we see what kind of undeserved happy ending is in store for our racist little brat and her jaguar-furry boyfriend.

Chapter 42 opens with Eden working in the garden.  Amazingly, despite showing no evidence of character development over the course of this novel, she's perfectly happy digging in the dirt and being one with nature all of a sudden.

Eden stood up, rubbing the small of her back.  She had been digging up vegetables for hours, though the time had passed easily.  She enjoyed the rich, earthy smell of the dirt; even more, being part of Mother Earth's nurturing cycle.  It also felt good to be of use to the Huaorani who had given her so much.  Now that their location had been discovered, they needed to relocate. -- p. 298

AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT I WONDER, HMM?  If there was any sense of justice in this book, Eden would see some actual consequences for almost getting the entire village killed and forcing them to uproot and move.  But no, our "heroine" can't be seen as anything but a pure and good soul, so she's not going to be ostracized or hated for her actions.  No sir-ee, can't have that for our happy ending, can we?

So Eden's helping the village pack up... and apparently her father's going to remain with the tribe.  Also, that miracle plant she and Bramford dug up has magically healed both her father's sickness and her own broken ribs and cut hand.  Um... I'm pretty sure magical healing plants don't actually exist, and while I won't deny that perhaps there are plants with healing properties hidden away in undiscovered nooks in the Amazon and elsewhere, I doubt they're THIS powerful.  Healing plants don't work like potions in video games, people...

Also, apparently tomorrow Bramford and Logan will undergo the adaptation and leave forever.  I thought Eden had destroyed her father's equipment?  Either Dr. Newman was smart and kept backups of his work, or Foyt just doesn't care enough to keep continuity between chapters only a dozen or so pages apart.  I think I know which is the correct answer...

Who has time to check for continuity errors when there's

racist furry romance to sell?

Eden would just die if her father continued to stand in the way of her happiness.  He had been too consumed with work to talk to her -- back to his old tricks.

But time was running out; frenetic birdcalls announced the end of the day.  Eden couldn't wait another minute to settle her future. -- p. 298-299

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah, don't care, girl.

Eden barges into her father's lab, announcing "we have to talk" with no regard to the fact that her father's working.  She does have to take a moment to ogle Bramford and go "weak at the knees" for him, and to say hi to Kevon.

Wait, Kevon, you say?  You don't remember Kevon?  He's the young FFP soldier who was so painstakingly set apart from the others in the last chapter.  Apparently the Aztecs recognized his "playful spirit" and spared him, and the Huaorani adopted him into their tribe.  Okay...?  This contributes absolutely nothing to the plot.  Why was this included?  Did Foyt make plans to incorporate another character and then forget to do anything with said plans?  You can't just introduce a new character for the sake of having more characters, they have to contribute SOMETHING to the plot.

Eden drags her father outside, and despite the fact that he's still walking with a cane she marvels at how fast he's recovered and wishes her mother had been able to take Newman's Cure.  Oh great, she DID name the plant after herself.  Someone gimmie a dart gun, we need to puncture this girl's ego...

Oh, and guess who else we see?  Austin, the apparently immortal dog, playing with the girls' pet macaw.  I guess Foyt couldn't bring herself to even let the dog die and dosed him with the miracle plant.  Pardon me while I roll my eyes back into my skull...

Foyt, you do know that it's okay to occasionally have your "good guy" characters die and stay dead, right?  Even if they're dogs?  This kind of cheapens Austin's heroic sacrifice, and having this dog cheat death not once but twice just makes the whole thing incredibly cartoony.  Leave the constant "coming back to life" schtick to Kenny from South Park and Optimus Prime from Transformers, will you?

Seriously, he's died 24 times to date and is still kicking...

there's a reason the fans call him "Robot Jesus"

Logan's playing with the girls too, and Eden's all fluttery that he called her "Mama."  Quite frankly, Eden, I think you'd make a terrible mother -- you're narcissistic and hateful enough that any kids should be kept far away from you.  Besides, who's to say the poor kid didn't just mistake you for Rebecca, his biological mother, for a moment?

In the meantime, Eden presses her father about joining Bramford in his transformation.

"Please tell me you've changed your mind."

"Just as I suspected, the pheromone signals between you and Bramford are now quite evident."

"Then you should understand."

"Indeed, I do.  However, it is my responsibility to weigh the consequences since the increased flow of hormonal activity in your brain prevents you from having an objective view." -- p. 300

Eesh... Foyt, you do realize that scientists are capable of talking like normal people, right?  You don't have to keep making Dr. Newman talk like a walking thesaurus...

Eden tells him she promised Mother she'd take care of him, and reminds him of the lines from the Emily Dickinson poem -- "That Love is all there is, / Is all we know of Love."  Somehow this is argument enough to get him to change his mind, and after asking if this is really what Eden wants he starts gushing about how wonderful it'll be that Eden will be "the mother of a newly adapted race" and how she, her children, and others like her will eventually reclaim the land.  Ugh... isn't the girl's ego huge enough already?  Stop feeding the monster, dammit.

"Your mother didn't mind being a Pearl as much as she disliked that absurd label.  She regretted what our coloring did to other people and so she covered.  Perhaps she would have admired your choice after all." -- p. 301-302

Well, at least ONE character admits that Pearl is a stupid name for people... seriously, the one reasonable character in this book is dead.  Highly unfair.

So Dr. Newman tells Eden he'll let her adapt if she helps him take off the ridiculous Midnight Luster coating, and end chapter.  On to 43... and we're almost done!  Whoo hoo!

Too excited for sleep, Eden lay in bed, tingling with anticipation for the big day.  In just a few hours, she would undergo the adaptation with Bramford and Logan.  They would form a family, and perhaps one day -- did she dare hope -- there would be more children.  She and her mate would, well, mate. -- p. 303

And may God have mercy on our souls and let us be spared the sex scene involving jaguar furries... seriously, if you want jaguar furry porn, FurAffinity is free and at least most of it is not racist...

Eden gets out of bed and looks out the window at "the beauty of a full moon pinned on the velvet sky."  These random bits of purple-prose description feel tacked on, especially compared to the bland "beige" of the rest of the prose.

But would panic seize her the next morning when she groggily rubbed her face and felt unusual features?  Suppose she didn't like the way she looked?

She and Bramford would be two of a kind, a pair -- that was all that mattered.  Yes, but here was the bigger question: would he still be attracted to her? -- p. 303

This would actually be an interesting thing to explore -- regret over the transformation, and having to come to terms with both her shape change and the fact that Bramford might not find her attractive anymore.  And horror of horrors, they might actually have to learn to love each other for something other than physical beauty!  But I doubt Foyt is thinking that deeply here...

Eden feels a "warm vibration in her belly" that's apparently an indicator that Bramford is near.  I think that's called "gas," Eden...  Bramford's swimming in the water hole, brooding, and she runs outside to be with him.

He turned and smiled at her, which gave her a dewy feeling.  The water lapped at his wide shoulders.  Wet hair tangled around the rugged, chiseled face she loved.  Soft moonlight haloed his head.  My Jaguar Man. -- p. 304

Awkward romantic prose to the very end...

Never change, Foyt.

Bramford invites her into the water, and asks her if she's scared.  She admits "a little" and asks if she likes Logan's painting of her.  He admits it doesn't capture her beauty -- will you people STOP feeding this girl's enormous ego?  She doesn't need it inflated anymore...

Also apparently Bramford taught Logan to paint, not Rebecca, and Eden realizes the R. B. on the woman-and-jaguar painting stands for Ronson Bramford, not Rebecca Bramford.  Apparently we can't let Rebecca have ANY positive aspects, because we can't have any good memories of her standing in the way of our furry-tale romance between Eden and Bramford, can we?  *gags*

"What if someone painted my portrait after today?" she said.  "How would it look then?"

Bramford gave her a vacant look, then, as understanding seemed to flood his face, he laughed.  "Will I still find you beautiful after the adaptation?  Is that it?"  Before she could respond, he added, "Then what are you worried about?"

"I haven't changed my mind," she said quickly.

"You don't have to sacrifice your beauty for me, Eden," he said, though the trace of regret in his voice worried her. -- p. 305

No, please, have her sacrifice her supposed beauty.  Let our protagonist get ONE lesson through her thick skull -- that beauty isn't the be-all and end-all of the universe.  

Eden watched in agony as he waded towards her, his expression serious.  Water streamed in rivulets off his dark, glistening body, which carved the pearly light. -- p. 306

Why do romance novels insist on saving their most flowery descriptive parts for descriptions of the love interest's body?  Yeesh...

"You and Logan only will adapt to my current stage," Bramford said.  "I'll wait for you to adjust -- however long it takes.  When you're ready, we'll proceed together to the final stage.  Okay?"

Until he said it, Eden didn't know how relieved she would be.  "Okay, that would be easier," she replied, and slowly exhaled.  However, the question remained unanswered.  "Or are you simply afraid of how I'll look fully adapted?"

He put his arms around her, the wet heat of his body making her shiver.

"Don't you understand?" he said.  "You'll be even more beautiful to me because you'll be mine." -- p. 306

Yay... not

Another snippet of an Emily Dickinson poem, and Bramford picks her up and carries her into the water.  A shooting star crosses the sky, just to hammer home how MAGICAL this ROMANTIC moment is supposed to be.  I think I'm gonna be sick...

He began to swing her like a lazy pendulum, back and forth, in the soft water.  It slipped under her dress, playing over her body.  Her limbs felt as pliant and free as an animal's?  Why even bother to catalog a particular species? -- p. 307

Because Foyt couldn't let us go without a last bit of awkward quasi-romantic description, right?

He curled her tight against him, growling lustily.

"It's time," he said.

Her eyes widened.  "For what?"

"Jaguars love to swim.  And I'm going to teach you how.  Let's begin with a kiss."  He teased her lips with his, then whispered.  "Are you ready, Eden?"

"Yes, I'm ready." -- p. 307

And end chapter AND book, thankfully before we can get the sex scene being so obviously hinted at here.  Phew.

That's it, folks.  Revealing Eden has come to a close. There ain't no more.  Cue the "Hallelujah Chorus" and break out the champagne, we can finally celebrate that the misadventures of Eden Newman and her jaguar-hybrid boyfriend have come to an end -- curiously before the actual adaptation can take place -- and we'll never be seeing them again.  No more Eden, no more Coals and Pearls, no more saving the world by turning people into furries, no more racist writing trying to pass itself off as anti-racist...

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Final wrap-up and thoughts on this horrible, horrible book next post.