"Greased lightning, go, greased lightning..."
On we go... let's plow through this thing so we can move on to the next book.
Chapter Six is entitled "Sparks." That reminds me, I need to update Sparks Among the Stars... no, stop it, don't get distracted from this spork again, Kenya. Your crazy Transformers/Star Wars crossover can wait... (Yay for blatant self-advertising...)
And this chapter opens with ANOTHER switch in POV, this time to Tulk, one of the two humans who escaped being killed in the ceremony earlier. Seriously, this makes nine POV characters in this book so far -- Bitterwood, Jandra, Vortex, Zanzie, Azkaban, Metron, Gadreel, Tulk, and the king's still-living son whose name I can't remember at the moment so you know just how memorable HE is. I get that it's the "in" thing for epic fantasies to have Loads and Loads of Characters and even to give as many of these characters as possible their own share of page time, but usually we don't get NINE POV segments in the first six chapters. And personally, I find so many POV switches in one book obnoxious, especially when none of the characters are developed enough to care about.
Anyhow... Tulk and Cron (those names still sound like freaking cavemen to me) are running down the riverbank to freedom. Tulk is whining to himself that there should have been a bond between the two of them, seeing as they're in the same boat (and the text has to point out that earlier they were escaping by boat and were LITERALLY in the same boat -- yes, Maxey, you're clever, have a cookie *sarcasm*), but Cron won't even slow down to let Tulk, who's older, catch up. It's saying something when all our characters are whiners, entirely unsympathetic, stupidly naive, or some combination of the three.
Finally Cron stops long enough for Tulk to catch up, and Cron points to a large reddish blob that's apparently a ship belonging to someone named Stench. Judging by that name, it's bound to be a pleasant individual...
What I'm picturing unless/until the text says otherwise
Tulk was confused. His eyesight wasn't great but he certainly wasn't overlooking the river. They were facing dry land. "What ship?"
"You really are blind, aren't you, old man?" Cron said.
"I see you well enough to knock in your teeth, boy," said Tulk.
Why is everyone in this book a loathsome jerk to each other? Also, there are more words to describe conversation than "said," Maxey.
The "big reddish thing" is a ship, as it turns out -- long-grounded and rusting. Now it's apparently a tavern run by this Stench character. Because every standard fantasy novel needs a tavern, right? Also, the legends say it's made of iron and that ships like this could once sail the oceans, before humanity angered the gods and fell from grace.
ALSO also, it turns out that Cron is a Kamonite while Tulk is a "follower of Ragnar," religions that preach opposite theologies -- Kamon teaches that dragons are the offspring of angels while Ragnar preaches that dragons are enemies to be fought at every turn. I guess these two's animosity makes a little more sense, though I'm curious to see if these two religions will have any actual impact on the plot. I'm guessing not. (Keep in mind it's been a couple years since my first read-through of this book, so I'm genuinely hazy on whether or not certain things actually matter... though if I forgot about this in the meantime, most likely it doesn't.)
Tulk mentions that he's "duty-bound to slay followers of Kamon," and thinks that just traveling with one will corrupt his soul. Um... nothing's stopping you from leaving this guy and striking off on your own?
Tulk demands to know if Cron actually follows Kamon's teachings... and he spits every time he says Kamon's name, which prompts this from Cron:
"If you keep spitting," Cron said, "you're going to turn to dust."
I'll admit it, that line was a little funny...
(Comic panel from Penny Arcade)
Cron doesn't answer the question and heads for the tavern, and Tulk follows him. So all that argument about competing religions was for... what? I dunno.
We get a lengthy description of the ship that pretty much amounts to "rusty and full of holes," and they go inside. Sure enough, it stinks -- Tulk compares it to "swamp water saturated with the bloated corpses of skunks" -- but that doesn't stop it from being a functional bar manned by a bald, withered man with a toothless grin. Stench, I'm guessing. He mentions he's heard of their escape by now, and that there could be a price on their heads by this point.
"If there's a price on our heads, you shouldn't be reminding people of it."
"We're all friends here," said Stench. "No one will turn you in. Besides, I've been told to treat you well by someone I'd rather not mess with."
"Venderex, right?" Cron asked. "The wizard. He saved us. Why is he doing this?"
An excellent question... one that Stench doesn't know the answer to but I'm hoping we'll get at some point. They discuss Jandra's presence at the ceremony and how she's supposedly Vortex's pet, Kamon's name comes up in conversation and gets Tulk yelling... what's the point of all this again? Oh, right, Stench has a boat to smuggle them further down the river and to the sea. Why couldn't they just stick with the first boat instead of taking this pointless side quest? Was Maxey just that desperate to throw in a tavern scene to check off the "fantasy cliches" checklist?
Oh, and there's a burning barrel behind the bar where Stench is burning herbs and skunk glands in strong alcohol to keep away both dragons and mosquitoes. Tulk ponders tipping the barrel over to kill everyone in this "den of Kamonites," but the smell deters him from getting too close. Are we going to get even one sympathetic character in this entire cast of sociopaths?
Just when I'm wondering if all this can't get any more pointless, a sun-dragon pulls a Kool-Aid Man and punches its way through the nearest wall. It's got a patch over one eye, so I'm guessing it's our old "friend" Zanzie.
OH YEAH
"Gentlemen," said the dragon, "I've had a truly bad day. I intend to take it out on you."
Page break, and the POV switches to Zanzie for the fight scene. Does he break fully into the bar and wreak some havoc? Nope -- he throws a bundle of swords into the room.
"Weapons, gentlemen," said Zanzeroth. "The finest swords this world has ever seen. One of those blades had a taste of me about twenty years ago. I'm giving you the chance to finish its meal."
I can't decide if this is honorable of Zanzie or just plain stupid. If he's really had a bad day and wants to take it out on someone, why give them a chance to kill him in the process? Has the wound to his eye made him suicidal? That'd be an interesting angle, but I doubt it's what Maxey was going for. He seems to be trying to make Zanzie an honorable villain, but it comes across as Honor Before Reason to me.
None of the men move to take a sword, and Zanzie notes that of the nine people in the room, six look too drunk to even stand -- which is a good thing because he only brought three swords. Convenient, though a little too much of a coincidence in my opinion. And then Zanzie... blindfolds himself? Announces that he's both blind and can't smell a dang thing so they'll never have a better chance to destroy him? What the Pit...
"We don't want to fight," one of the men said.
"Then I'll kill you without you putting up a struggle. Or you can kill me first. I'll be fighting unarmed. Tooth and claw versus steel. I honestly think you have a chance."
"Why are you doing this?" another asked.
"To find out if I'm wrong," Zanzeroth said with a slight nod. "To find out if I'm still the dragon I think I am. I'll silently count to three. Then I will kill you if you choose not to fight."
ARGLBLARGL... ARE YOU AN IDIOT, ZANZIE?! Seriously, is every single one of these dragons so blindingly stupid? I get it, Maxey's trying to prove that Zanzie's honorable and trying to test his mettle against the humans, but it's just coming across as him being blatantly suicidal. And while Zanzie's loss of an eye and prestige making him self-destructive could be an interesting angle, somehow I don't think that's what the author was going for. It's just making him look like a blithering idiot.
Zanzie spreads his wings, figuring that he can use their footsteps and "the sensitivity of his wings to small changes in air pressure" to figure out if one's charging him. Um... can wings really work that way? I know they probably have to be sensitive to changes in the air during flight, but I doubt they work as biological radar too.
He hears the men grab the weapons, then hears one (probably Cron) say that Kamon teaches obedience to dragons, and if one asks them to kill him they have to obey. Then someone charges and tries to stab him in the gut... but Zanzie leaps and dodges, grabbing the attacker in his claws and killing him. Then he hears someone else charge... but they're attacking someone else. He pulls off the blindfold to find he managed to kill Cron, but Tulk grabbed a weapon and killed Stench instead. Way to go, Tulk... who are we supposed to be rooting for again?
Zanzeroth took a moment to look at Cron's body, slumped on top of the rusting metal. Zanzeroth felt pleased at the amount of damage he'd done to his opponent. He'd given death every chance to take him and survived, even blind and unarmed. It hadn't been age that had cost him an eye... it had been carelessness. He could never regain his youth but he could sharpen his wits. Zanzeroth felt certain that when he met the man who'd taken his eye, even if he was the legendary Bitterwood, their next fight would end differently. And were he to stumble over a certain invisible wizard... Well, an invisible foe and a visible one are all the same if your eyes are closed.
Satisfied, Zanzie? Good, stop acting like an idiot. Can we get one character in this book that acts intelligently and isn't a psychopath, please?
Tulk's limping off -- apparently he broke an ankle in the fight -- and Zanzie uses his whip to nab the man and drag him close. If you actually research whips, especially the long bullwhips that Indiana Jones has made popular, you'll know that they can actually do a freaking lot of damage, even strip flesh to the bone, and don't exactly make good lassos. Then again, Zanzie might not care about doing damage to a human...
Zanzie tries to pump Tulk for information on Bitterwood, but Tulk thinks Bitterwood's just a ghost story. He demands to know who killed Bodiel, but Tulk doesn't know that either. So Zanzie dunks Tulk in the flaming barrel of skunk-alcohol to kill him. Ugh... talk about Cruel and Unusual Death...
Zanzie picks up his swords, tells the rest of the drunks "drinks are on me," and takes off... and end scene. On the one hand, a couple less characters to have to juggle, but on the other hand, what was the point of all that? Why bother introducing us to Tulk and Cron if they were going to serve no purpose other than to die horribly? And if the point of that scene was for Zanzie to perform his idiotic "am I still a dragon" test, did we really need the POV bit from Tulk in the beginning? Some of the editing for this new edition should have gone to trimming out unnecessary scenes and characters, I think...
Page break, and new scene -- the Burning Ground, where they're having Bodiel's funeral pyre. Bodiel lies in state atop a tower of pine logs, surrounded by flowers. Alakazam thinks his son's still breathing at one point, but it's just the wind stirring his feather-scales. That could have actually been a touching moment had we any reason to care about Bodiel or Alakazoo...
The king's surviving son, Shandrazel, is there too, and Alabama thinks about how inferior he is compared to his dead brother. Poor kid...
Shandrazel had grown into a marveous specimen. The prince was equal to Albekizan in size; his scales had the richness and luster of rubies, his face bore the sharp, clean lines of his noble heritage. It was only when the king looked into his eyes that he felt his heart sag. Bodiel's eyes had always been proud. Bodiel's eyes were windows through which his strength and fire could be seen. Bodiel's eyes were eyes that watched the world, constantly searching for threat and opportunity. Bodiel had possessed the eyes of a warrior born.
Shandrazel had none of these qualities. He had the eyes of a dragon who looked primarily within himself. There had always been and introspective, contemplative side to Shandrazel that Albekizan recognized as weakness. Shandrazel was a dragon who valued thought over action.
Because we can't forget that the dragon king is EVIL and prefers warriors over thinkers, right? Can't the king just recognize that Shandie has different qualities than Bodiel but could still make a half-decent king?
Albus gripes that he's disappointed to have to declare Shandie the victor of the ceremony, but says he' won by default and so as tradition decrees he's to be banished, only to return to engage the king in mortal combat. Shandie refuses, and Metron says that it's the way because it's written in the Book of Theranzathax. Yeesh, these dragon names get longer and goofier all the time. It's like that game of "is this the name of a Lord of the Rings character or a prescription medication?" Yes, it's an actual quiz, go play it and see how well you do...
"I know what is written. I don't choose to obey the words of someone who died ten centuries ago. There's no logic behind them."
Is this supposed to be a dig at organized religion or something? Though it does make sense... and I'm guessing that since Shandie is one of the few dragons to have any scrap of logic in his noggin, he's going to be our hero.
Alibaba tells Shandie that if he doesn't flee he'll kill him -- which seems rather stupid considering Shandie's the last surviving heir to the throne. Maybe this tradition of slaughtering your sons in order to find the strongest candidate for the throne is stupid? Just a guess...
Shandie finally leaves, and the dragons light the pyre. Metron reads a passage from the Book of the Dragon With the Stupidly Long Name, and Azkaban looks at the fire and decides that the flames of his son's funeral pyre are music to his soul. The chapter ends with a line that sounds dramatic but in reality is kind of silly.
In the religion of flame, heaven comes when all the world is ash.
Again I ask -- who are we supposed to be rooting for in this book? There are almost no sympathetic characters, everyone is either a psychopath or an idiot or both, and our title character has barely shown up at all. And despite there being so many POV characters, I can't bring myself to like any of them. No wonder it's been such a chore to chop through this book -- at least Revealing Eden had only one POV character and while she was completely unlikable she was at least fun to laugh at...
I love how you thought Stench would look sort of like Stinky Pete, and then when he actually shows up, he DOES sort of look like Stinky Pete. XD
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