Hamlet's Father Cover - What Nightmares May Come

We interrupt this Revealing Eden sporking to bring you a quick spork of Hamlet's Father!  The bonus sporking that nobody asked for!

Hamlet's Father is by Orson Scott Card, and was originally published in 2008 by Tor Books, as part of an anthology titled Ghost Quartet, edited by Marvin Kaye.  It was re-printed as a stand-alone novella in 2011 by Subterranean Press (which, incidentally, also publishes one of my favorite steampunk series, The Clockwork Century).  Subterranean Press's printing was a limited run of only 1,000 books, so I guess I'm lucky I got my hands on a copy at all.

Orson Scott Card, for those who might not know, is no Victoria Foyt who had to self-publish to get his work to see the light of day.  He's a HUGE name in the science fiction community, probably best known for his bestselling novel Ender's Game, though he's also written such series as Alvin Maker, the Homecoming saga, and the religious novels Women of Genesis, as well as miscellaneous fantasy, sci-fi, and religious fiction series and stand-alones.

Anymore, however, Card seems to have gained a reputation for using his books as a soapbox for his political views.  TV Tropes has an entry for him on their Fallen Creator page, which reads thusly:

Orson Scott Card is also an excellent example of this trope in action.  Between Ender's Game, Speaker for the Dead, the early books of the Alvin Maker series, and even his work on games like Monkey Island, Card was easily one of the best sci-fi/fantasy authors of the '80s and early '90s.  But he took a turn with the increasingly political and continuity-contradictory Ender's Shadow series and Advent Rising.  Now Card can't seem to write anything without having to rehash his political views and run them smack dab into the plot as he did in Empire.  His online non-fiction essays and blogosphere reaction to them also made his more controversial social and political views much more visible and hotly-debated, reaching a peak with an article (which he later back-pedalled from) that appeared to suggest that legalisation of gay marriage in the US would justify armed revolution against the government.  Now just the mere mention of his name can cause problems, such his work on the plot for Shadow Complex.

Then under another bullet they have this addition, which got me interested in this book in the first place (warning for spoilers):

Then he rewrote Hamlet and explained that Hamlet's father was a gay pedophile who was killed by Horatio because he molested him as a child. Oh and he, Laertes, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern all turned gay because of it.  It ends with Hamlet damned to Hell, where his father tells them now they can be together.  This was initially published in an anthology, and then someone somehow decided that it should have a wider release.

What the frag...

Welp... needless to say, this book hasn't gone over very well with Card's fanbase, Shakespeare buffs, or readers in general.  With a 2.6-star rating on Amazon and a 2.56-star rating on Goodreads, it rates only slightly better than Revealing Eden, though part of me thinks that's mostly because Card is an established writer who was partially saved by his prior reputation, whereas Foyt didn't even have a reputation to squander.

Card himself had a rebuttal to all the hate and backlash this book has gotten... but I'll save his reaction for the end.  It's a doozy...

I did not purchase this book -- I actually had our library ship it in from a library in Oregon.  I honestly did not feel like shelling out twenty to sixty bucks for a book that I would only read once, probably hate, and then be stuck with because it feels wrong to throw away or burn a book that costs that much, especially a signed limited-edition copy.  (For the record, this copy happens to be #139 out of 1,000, and yes, is signed by Orson himself.)

Looking at the cover of this book... it's actually pretty decent.  The cover art is a bit murky-looking, but given that the play it's based on is a tragedy, gloomy cover art isn't necessarily a bad thing.  Said art is hand-painted (credited to one Tom Kidd, who also did interior illustrations) and portrays a dead king on a bench in a garden, with a hooded ghost/angel looking on from the garden gate.  This doesn't look like a scene from the play, but it's possible the artist took some creative license, or just decided to combine two of the most famous images from the play into one image.

Summary from the dust jacket:

We all know Shakespeare's classic ghost story -- the young prince Hamlet's dead father appears to him, demanding vengeance upon Hamlet's uncle Claudius, who has usurped the throne and, to add insult to injury, married Hamlet's mother.

Hamlet dithers and delays, coming up with reason after reason to postpone his vengeance.  But it's not for the reason Shakespeare told us.  It's because Hamlet keeps discovering evidence that things are not quite what they seem in the Kingdom of Denmark -- and never have been, throughout Hamlet's entire life.

Once you've read Orson Scott Card's revelatory version of the Hamlet story, Shakespeare's play will be much more fun to watch -- because now you'll know what's really going on.

Hmmm... seems a bit presumptuous for the publisher to claim that this book tells the REAL story about Hamlet.  It's one thing to claim that your book is an alternate retelling, or even "Hamlet as you've never seen it before," but for Card to claim that his story is the "TRUE AND HONEST" story of how Hamlet really went down seems rather arrogant to me.  Orson, it's okay to admit you've written Shakespeare fanfic, you don't have to pretend Hamlet was broken and you had to fix it...

Strap yourselves in, folks -- we're about to go for a ride.  And for those of you disappointed that the longer sporking is being paused, don't worry.  This should only take a few posts...

Chapter 17 -- Too Bad They're Not the Berries from Hunger Games...

The book I mentioned in the last post is on its way to the library, so I should have my grubby hands on it soon!  Like I said, I don't anticipate a huge delay in the Revealing Eden posts, since this one's pretty short, but hopefully people will enjoy this one regardless.  It's controversial and (reportedly) horrible in its own right, from what I've read, and made even better/worse by the fact that it comes from a famous and respected writer instead of a random self-published yahoo like Foyt.

In the meantime, let's move on to the Furry Romance... I mean the next chapter of Revealing Eden.

The last chapter ended with Eden and Bramford cuddling just after nearly drowning in a river thanks to Eden's stupidity.  And because this is Revealing Eden, the next chapter opens with a bird singing and Eden immediately calling it by its Latin name.  I could whittle the drinking game down to "take a drink every time Eden calls a plant or animal by its Latin name" and someone would still get black-out drunk reading this stupid book...

Also, out of curiosity's sake, I looked up the particular bird she used in this scene, a black-faced solitaire.  It lives in Costa Rica and Panama, not Ecuador -- and none of those countries even share borders, so it's not like one blundered on over from a neighboring area either.  If you're going to do your research on wildlife, Foyt, maybe you should focus on what species are indigenous to your location instead of just looking up the Latin names...

Bramford starts to wake up, and we get more "romantic" writing that sounds more like one of the X-Men just discovering their powers.

He began to stir, his hand falling down the length of her back, leaving a trail of electric sparks.  She gasped, as they exploded in her brain. -- p. 119

FYI, don't Google "head explosion" if you just ate

or don't want to hate yourself...

Have I mentioned lately that Foyt's attempts at writing good similes and metaphors, or romantic prose, or much fiction in general, stink?  I'm sure I must have at some point...

Anyhow, Bramford gets up, and we get the lovely revelation that his pants are "in tatters."  Thankfully we don't get a detailed description full of horrible metaphors about his junk...  He growls at Eden and walks away, and she immediately thinks "beast" at him.  He just nearly drowned trying to save your sorry butt from your own Darwin-Award-worthy stunt, girl, I think he's got a right to be a little ticked at you.  Plus, have you not realized yet that people just don't have the time to lavish attention on you 24/7?  Or are you just that egocentric?

Bramford finds a gourd and uses it to get a drink from the lake, Eden watches him drink like a creeper and then admires the scenery, we get the Latin name for the ducks on the lake for no good reason, yadda yadda yadda.  Also, Eden misses her Life-Band and states that the real world feels "unreal" without it.  Was this supposed to be a commentary on our Internet-addicted world?  Maybe this book would have been better if it focused on THAT instead of racism, even if it would have made it a weak Ready Player One ripoff...

Bramford offers her water, and we get... you guessed it, more awkwardly-written attraction!

Her hand brushed against his, as she took the gourd from him.  Once more she felt a crazy, magnetic pull towards him.  She could feel his eyes burning into her as she gulped thirstily. -- p. 120

Eden realizes she can now drink as much water as she wants without rationing and laughs, which gets Bramford glaring at her in disgust.  She, of course, assumes it's because she "looked like a freak," but it's something else.

"At least I'm alive.  Thanks to you."  It sounded like an accusation, which Eden immediately regretted.

Bramford stiffened.  "You could have gotten us both killed."

"No one asked you to come in after me."

"What was I supposed to do?  Let you drown?"

"What do you care?"  -- p. 121

Now to be fair, Eden DOES thank him for saving her life here... but she does it in such a way that it still sounds pretty ungrateful.  And her getting snarky at the guy who just saved her life really isn't winning her any brownie points here.

Bramford looks like he wants to hit her -- and in a weird Fifty-Shades-ish twist, Eden "almost" wants him to hit her -- but instead he offers her a handful of acai berries and says they'll relieve her oxy-deprivation.  Hmmm, maybe I spoke too soon last chapter, but the point stands that I still haven't seen her show symptoms of withdrawal, so I still maintain that Foyt should have either researched drug addition or just dropped that sub-plot entirely.

Shockingly, we don't get the Latin name for acai berries... but despite them being toted as a superfood  and antioxidant online and being able to cure anything from diabetes to impotence, I can't find anything that claims they can relieve drug withdrawal symptoms.  Well, I suppose people make up enough claims about the health benefits of acai, why not Foyt?  She seems happy enough making other stuff up... though am I just being picky, expecting a fiction writer to do their dang research?

At least she's not trying to pass hers off

as actual fact, I suppose...

Eden decides to be a brat and refuses to eat, so Bramford eats the berries.  Eden wonders how they're going to get back to her father, and Bramford announces they're not going back.

"But what about my father?"

Bramford's eyes narrowed with a faraway look.  Eden had the eerie feeling he could see into the future, maybe like El Tigre, after all.  But that was impossible. -- p. 122

Argh... you just barely found out about this totally-made-up god, how do you know he can even see into the future?  I suppose that's just an assumed power of gods in general, but still... and the fact that they're still going on about this El Tigre god who's NOT EVEN A REAL MYTH, let alone one worshiped by this particular tribe, makes the mythology buff in me want to flip a table.

Me too, Prowl... me too

Bramford says they'll meet the Huaorani back at camp.  Eden asks where it is, hoping to backtrack and get the Life-Band again, but Bramford refuses to tell her.

"What?  Do you think I'll tell someone?" she said, with a pang of guilt.  That was exactly what she hoped to do.

He cocked an eyebrow.  "Given the chance, you'd betray me in a heartbeat."

"Betray you?  I didn't ask to come here.  I just want to go home."

"We don't always get what we want, Eden." -- p. 122

For being the designated Hate Sink of the novel, Bramford is really the only reasonable and smart character, random Latin names notwithstanding.  Between this, his heroic nature, and the fact that he's the only character who will call Eden on her bullcrap, he's pretty much my favorite character from this book... or really, the only character I don't want to see die in a fire or get eaten.  It's a shame the author seems to want us to dislike him along with Eden.

Eden thinks "what did Bramford know about disappointment" but then sees his new furry form and figures now he knows what it's like to be different.  I'm sorry, but even if you've flipped around who's the persecuted race and who's not, this comes across as uncomfortable.

Then Eden mouths off to him again.

"Maybe I should have let you sink," he said, turning on her.

"Well, why didn't you?  How am I supposed to survive by day?  And what's going to happen to my father in this sinkhole?  Did you think of that when you kidnapped us and brought us here" --she jerked her arm in an arc-- "to this deserted, sunny place?  No, as usual, you only thought about yourself-"

Alas, this doesn't happen...

Bramford jumped on her, pinning her beneath him.  His brutally handsome face hovered over hers.  Eden stared, transfixed, into fiery eyes as an unfamiliar fluttering darted in her chest, like a small bird released from its cage.  She kicked her feet and squirmed, but she was powerless against him. -- p. 122-123

Mandatory squicked-out Starscream face

Eden taunts him, telling him he'd enjoy tearing her to pieces.  At this point, girl, who wouldn't?  Bramford calls her a pain in the ass and forces her to eat the berries, which she says are "almost as good as oxy."  I'm pretty sure most of the medical claims regarding acai are bogus, Foyt... stop acting like they can cure drug addiction or give you a high.

(On an aside note, as I was trying to come up with a title for this post I suddenly thought "wouldn't it be great if these were the nightlock berries from Hunger Games and our protagonist just dropped dead from poisoning in this chapter?  Wishful thinking...)

Bramford then picks up Eden and carries her piggyback, saying she won't be able to walk where they're going.  O...kay?  This just leads to more awkward quasi-romantic (queasy-romantic?) dialogue.

Eden tentatively wrapped her legs around his broad back, barely able to encircle his girth.  In spots, Bramford's downy fur rubbed against her skin, surprisingly pleasant.  A faint shudder ran through her. -- p. 124

Bramford tells her to hold on, and we get a doozy of a closing paragraph, which just happens to be another infamous excerpt that's made the rounds of the Internet.

She sunk her fingers into his long silky hair, like reins on a horse.  As if she controlled the beast.  Eden knew it wasn't true, but she enjoyed the illusion just the same. -- p. 124

...no.

Just... no.  I just... no.  NO.  WHAT THE FLYING FRAKKITY FRAG ARE YOU DOING FOYT AAAAAAAARGHasleplkalskdjfls... *bangs head on keyboard*

...

...sorry, I just needed a moment there.  The sheer audacity of that line just floors me every time I come across it (like I said, I'd previously seen it in reviews and on blogs talking about this book).  Foyt goes on and on about how this book is supposed to show Caucasians how terrible racism is, but yet again it's indulging in some pretty horrific racist imagery of its own.  Having a white girl riding a big black man like a horse, flat-out calling him a beast and enjoying the feeling of controlling him, evokes all kinds of disgusting mental images, even if you do keep your mind out of the gutter...

Boy, this book is SLOW.  It seriously feels like nothing much has happened story-wise since the labs blew up.  For all its unfortunate implications and awful moments, there are huge chunks that are just boring and a pain to slog through.  In a sick sort of way I almost welcome those moments that make me want to chuck the book into a bonfire, because even if they're terrible at least they're interesting.  Too bad Foyt couldn't seem to make the book interesting in a GOOD way.

Chapter 17 -- Bratty and the Beast

For everyone's information, the Revealing Eden spork might be going on a mini-hiatus in the near future.  I know, the blog just came back from a hiatus over the summer, but at least I'm announcing this one.  And it won't mean the blog goes quiet -- it just means Revealing Eden will be briefly put on hold while I spork another book.  I have to get this one through inter-library loan, so it'll have to be done quickly so I can return it on time and not incur a hefty fine...

Don't worry, the book in question isn't terribly long -- only about a hundred pages or so according to Amazon.  It shouldn't take too long to breeze through it and get back to Eden.  As for the book in question... let's just say it's a terrible effort by a well-known and highly-respected (or at least highly-respected at one time) author, and one that created quite a bit of backlash when it was first published.  Stay tuned...

Anyhow, on to the next chapter of this train wreck!

Oldie but a goodie

Eden takes off into the jungle with her backpack, as sunlight "strafes" through the trees.  I'm now thinking of laser guns, but whatever...  We get a mention of "silvery specks" in the trees "as if dozens of eyes watched her."  For being a desolate wasteland destroyed by the heat, there's sure a lot of animals in this world.  Unless Eden's hallucinating, which is possible but hasn't been alluded to up to this point.

Off-topic but the hallucination thing makes me wonder -- if Eden's been using oxy all her life, why isn't she showing withdrawal symptoms?  Even benign or relatively harmless drugs will give you withdrawal symptoms if you stop using them after a long time of being on them -- ask anyone who's had to give up caffeine for whatever reason.  If oxy is short for "oxycontin," she should be suffering from nausea, sweating, rapid heartbeat, abdominal pain, and anxiety, among other things.  She's showing zilch -- and no, I don't count her freakouts as anxiety, she was doing that periodically long before this point.

Sorry, folks, but you can't make your character a drug addict and then expect to have them quit cold turkey without nasty side effects.  That's a cheat, pure and simple.

Anyhow... a monkey hoots at her, and we get a quick info-dump that includes the scientific name of the capuchin monkeys and that they're named after a type of monk.  We get it, you know how to use Wikipedia or Encyclopedia Britannica or whatever, how is this important to the story?  The monkeys throw seed pods at her and she tries to chase them off.  Just be grateful they didn't conform to the old stereotype about monkeys, I guess?  

Meme not mine... and apologies for the language

Eden feels a bulge in the lining of her backpack and rips it open with her teeth  (???).  Lo and behold, Daisy left her a Life-Band.  I don't understand how Eden could have endeared herself to the flight attendant during the flight, she showed NO signs of civil, let alone charming, behavior during that whole time.  But hey, Eden is our precious special snowflake -- of COURSE everyone has to bow to her whims no matter how much of a spoiled brat she is...

Dr. Newman calls out for his "daught"  (I am sick of that nickname already), and Eden reaches for her backpack... only for a monkey to steal it.  Which leads to a sequence of Eden chasing the monkeys while Bramford chases her that goes on for about a page.  Um, yay?  I honestly can't tell if this bit is supposed to be played for laughs or drama...

Then the chase comes to its logical conclusion:

[The monkey] swung the stolen bag into the air and sent it sailing.  Eden had a sick feeling, as it spiraled over a steep cliff.  She skidded to a stop and looked over the edge. -- p. 115

I love how Foyt waxes eloquent when it comes to Eden getting all swoon-happy and hot and bothered over Bramford, but when it comes to seeing valuable supplies get lost it's "a sick feeling."  Could this be any blander?  If I'd have been writing this I'd have written it it out as "Eden felt as if she'd been punched in the gut" or "Eden stared in disbelief" or something.  Of course I'd have also nixed the furry romance and the racism, but then we wouldn't have much of the original plot left...

Just like in every movie and cartoon ever, the backpack is hanging off a convenient bush several yards down the cliff... and there's a rapid-filled river at the bottom of the cliff.  Eden knows if she falls she's either going to drown or go squish on the rocks, but is perfectly willing to risk her life to get the backpack and its Life-Band.  Is it me, or are a lot of YA heroines way too willing to risk their lives for stupid things?

Bramford catches up to her and gives a "throttled roar."  Um... "throttled" means either "forcibly choked" or "silenced," Foyt... I dunno what YOU thought it meant...

And of course, what everyone expected to happen happens -- Eden falls into the river.  Yay, protagonist dead, we can all go home now!

Oh, how I wish, Porky... how I wish...

Just kidding... Eden's swept downriver by the rapids as her heart hammers "like an anvil."  Um, it's not the anvil that does the hammering...  Something grabs her from behind, and at first she thinks it's an anaconda.  I was hoping for an alligator, but I doubt either of us is right...

Of course it's Bramford.  And of course he's putting his life on the line to save this spoiled brat of a main character.  This could be the most villainous thing he's done all book.

Ahead, Eden spied a series of large boulders.  She screamed as they hurtled toward the first one.

Just in time, Bramford twisted her out of harm's way by wedging himself between her and the rock.  He vaulted them past the danger with his powerful legs.  Over and over, he navigated the tortuous obstacle course.  Twice, his legs slipped, and he bashed against a huge rock.  And yet, he never let Eden slip from his grasp.  -- p. 116

I'm gonna guess that THIS is the turning point when Eden starts falling in love with Bramford.  It's so transparently obvious that I'm not even taking bets on it.  Nice to see that all it takes for a girl to stop hating a guy is for him to save her skin.  Am I the only one sick of the Rescue Romance trope?

Finally they get out of the river, and Bramford drags them into a palm grove.  There's an aside about how all Eden's dark coating has been washed away now, which is probably supposed to be all SYMBOLIC of something but I really don't care at this point.  Not that the author dwells much on it, because look, romance!

She collapsed onto the sand beside Bramford, her limbs intertwined with his.  Her head rested on his chest, rising and falling with each labored breath.  His warm chin brushed the top of her head.  the rapid drumming of his heartbeat in her ear reminded her of the risks he'd take.

Why on Blessed Earth had El Tigre saved her?  -- p. 117

This is why I don't read romance novels...

Despite the fact that she's done nothing but hate Bramford, trash-talk him, and outright try to get him KILLED up to this point, Eden actually snuggles with him on the beach.  And she thinks of him as a "ship's anchor," and that for the first time since leaving home "she didn't feel adrift in a rocky storm."  Foyt needs help with metaphors...

And now, the last few paragraphs of the chapter, for your reading "pleasure."

Eden brushed her cheek against Bramford's chest and he made a soft, vibrating sound.  Was he purring?  He tightened his arms around her, rolling her against him.  Her long golden hair fanned over his dark torso, the contrast startling her.  She never had felt more exposed in her life.

At the same time, a curious, buoyant feeling welled up inside of her.  Eden had experienced some pleasure with Jamal, although her sensors had manufactured it.  She always had been in control, never losing sight of her goal to be mated.

Now, she felt captive to the strange, pleasurable sensations that stampeded like wild horses up and down her body.  (Seriously, Foyt, ease up on the metaphors, they're not your strong point...)  She never wanted to leave Bramford's side.  amazingly, her abysmal circumstances and even the loss of her Life-Band suddenly seemed trivial.

Unpredictable, her father had called this beastly man.  But he hadn't warned her how unpredictable she would be.   -- p. 117-118

My default image for any of Foyt's attempts at writing

sexy/romantic scenes

Somehow, this last bit reminds me of a story by Anne McCaffrey -- the short story "A Meeting of Minds" from her anthology Get Off the Unicorn, which would later be expanded into a novel for her The Tower and the Hive series.  Said short story is about a powerful telepathic and telekinetic girl who hopes to find a husband who's an intellectual and psychic match for her, and so vows to only fall in love with someone as powerful as she is.  In the end, she ends up falling for a man much weaker psychically but who's handsome and physically muscular, and she reflects that it's only natural for a woman to be attracted to someone who can overpower her.  It's an uncomfortable read, and the fact that said man is quite a bit older than her (he was a friend of her mother's) makes it even squickier, albeit off the topic at hand.

McCaffrey's story, while cringe-worthy, was a product of its time (published in the '60s).  To read something similar written in the 2010s -- of a girl perfectly willing to relinquish her goals for a future mate simply because she's found a powerful and attractive man who turns her on -- is even harder to read with modern sensibilities in mind.  I don't like Eden as a character, but it's still saddening and sickening to see her drop her goal (even if it's a stupid one) in favor of a guy who makes her all giddy and emotional.  I know, I know, love is driven by emotions and not logic, that's the basis of just about every romance out there... but there comes a point where you need to use your head and not just think with your heart.  Or your hormones.

Now we're moving on to the furry romance segment of the book... Primus have mercy on our wretched souls...

Chapter 15 -- Still Alive!

Hey guys, what's happening?  Did I miss anything?

Sorry for the long silence -- I ended up packing up most of my books so I could paint my bedroom, and my copy of Revealing Eden ended up at the bottom of one of the boxes.  (Yes, multiple boxes -- I own a lot of books, okay?)  I'm still in the process of moving stuff back in, but I finally dug out the book and am back to shredding it.  Figuratively, of course, though there may be some literal shredding or even burning done once I'm done with this thing...

I do not advocate book-burning, but in this case

I might make an exception...

Brief recap -- Eden and company have fled into what used to be the Amazon and are among the Huaorani, a real-life indigenous tribe from Ecuador who happen to worship furry!Bramford as El Tigre, their jaguar god.  I've already gone into why this is idiotic and ridiculous last post, so if you want a recap you can re-read the last blog entry while I go bang my head against a desk and bemoan this bastardization of South American mythology.

Okay, I'm done...

Anyhow, Chapter 15 opens with Eden riding in a vehicle with the Huaroani, passing "mud-baked shanties and desolate fields with an occasional tree or small rodent scurrying past."  (p. 106)  I thought the upper world was lifeless -- why are there still trees and animals?  Unless by "small rodent" you mean "very large cockroach," seeing as those things are supposed to be able to survive just about anything, up to and including nuclear war, but maybe Foyt thinks any animal with fur is magically immune to The Heat.

We get a paragraph of Eden whining about how hot and dirty she is, and figuring she only has a week or two to survive in the upper world.  I'm feeling absolutely no tension or concern for this heroine, as she's not only completely unlikable, but apparently completely unkillable too.  She has an unfair amount of luck for how sociopathic she is, seriously.

She stared daggers at the back of Bramford's head.  The beast seemed to enjoy the ride.  His broad back and alert posture reminded her of a big cat attuned to subtle signs.  Signs Eden couldn't read without her Life-Band.  -- p. 106-107

Have I added "take a drink every time Bramford's referred to as a beast" to the drinking game rules yet?  If not I need to...

Eden's hands crawl "like spiders" to her backpack (awkward analogy GO!) in the hopes of finding a Life-Band in there, and thinks of contacting Shen.  There's an awkward aside about how Shen's name means "strong spirit" in Chinese, though according to Google it actually means "the spiritual element of a person's psyche," so again Foyt's did a crappy job at her research.  She hopes if Shen comes, then she can convince Bramford to send her and her father back home.  Sorry, Eden, you're still needed for the book's prerequisite "opposites attract" romance...

Eden also has a flashback to working in the lab with her father, and doing her first DNA analysis at age six.  This is probably meant to show just how BRILLIANT and SMART our "genius" heroine is, but considering Eden's shown no intelligence up until this point, it's pretty much there just to back up an Informed Attribute.  

Also during this flashback, we learn that apparently Eden's father goes by the philosophy of "wait and see."  Confused?  So's Eden, and frankly, so am I, so Dr. Newman gives us this story:

"Some of the biggest discoveries have come from plans gone awry.  Think of Albert Einstein unable to obtain a university job.  For two years he suffered odd jobs and even questioned his goal of becoming a physicist.  Imagine that.

"Forced to take a lowly position as a clerk at the patent office, Einstein found 'a kind of salvation,' as he put it.  The regular salary and stimulating work of evaluating patent claims freed him to think, even to dream.  He began to publish important physics papers and change the world.

"You see, Daught, we must be patient.  One door closes and another opens.  Wait and see."  -- p. 107-108

Not a bad philosophy, I suppose.  And for once, it looks like Foyt did her research -- Einstein did work at a patent office, and he enjoyed both the salary and the fact that it was intellectually undemanding enough to let his mind run free on scientific matters.  Which just makes the fact that she half-asses so much of her other research inexcusable in my mind.

Of course, it seems Eden only took this philosophy to mean "wait long enough and you'll find your dreamy dark-skinned prince who sees the Real Eden."  Typical.  

She spends the rest of the car ride analyzing everything Jamal ever said to her, wishing she'd listened to the dog's warning (oh, NOW you think about Austin) and that she was prettier.  You know, for all you've hyped Eden to be a strong, intelligent character, she sure only seems to care about finding a boy to mate with.  The fact that you've set up this society so that women have to be mated by age 18 or die only makes it worse in my mind.  

They end up at a small settlement by the river, with native women and children dressed in rags and covered in rashes -- because of course these people are primitive and so live in squalor, right?  No matter what your race is, this book treats you like crap, it seems... 

Also, we get descriptions of "patches of wild jungle."  Again, if The Heat is so destructive that it ruined the surface world and baked away all vegetation, how did the rainforest, one of the most delicate ecosystems out there, manage to survive?  This place should be a freaking desert!  There shouldn't be random patches of jungle anywhere!  Even if it is along the banks of a river -- you are aware there can still be rivers in a desert, right Foyt?

Oh hey look, more random lusting over Bramford!

Bramford's gaze raked over her as he passed her by.  She watched him head into a palm grove, mesmerized by the rippling of his muscled back and hips.  He moved with the simple grace and powerful confidence of a predator.  No wasted energy, no self-consciousness.  What must that be like?  -- p. 109

Still not sorry...

Suddenly Eden freaks out as the earth seems to move under her -- but it's just ants (and yes, we get the Latin name, because EDEN IS SO SMRT AMIRITE?).

Eden freaks again as the ants crawl all over her, runs, and trips in a mud puddle, which gets the native kids laughing at her.  She just thinks that at least the "pompous action hero" didn't see her fall, which I assume means Bramford.  Still not seeing how these two are supposed to get together, though I'm pretty sure they're going to be in TRUE LOVE FOREVER by the end...

She sits down by the "moribund" river -- that's the word used in the book, seriously.  "Moribund" means "dying" or "at the point of death," but the word doesn't seem to fit here.  Foyt seems to fall into the same trap of thesaurus abuse that Christopher Paolini did in his Inheritance books -- namely, using whatever word in the thesaurus catches her eye without stopping to think if it's an appropriate word choice.  

One of the natives sets Eden's father down on a giant banana leaf.  Instead of thanking them for not setting him on the ground, all she can think is that this place is so poor that their idea of comfort is "a leaf for a bed."  Would it kill you to show a bit of gratitude, Eden?  She at least shows enough human decency to ask if he's all right, since his leg is bleeding again, but he just says something about "the amazing variety of flora" and maybe discovering a new species here.  Shouldn't most animals be dead of The Heat by this point?  Oh wait, rainforests are apparently magically resilient to The Heat and animals are immune to it too... my bad... 

Someone brings them bowls of mashed yucca plant, which Eden refuses to eat.  Her father says "when you're starving you'll eat anything," and all she can think about is how much of a failure she is.  Of course.  *eyeroll*

The guy who brought them food -- Lorenzo (which is a Spanish and Italian name, so why a native from Ecuador would be called that I have no idea) -- also brings them coca leaves (yes, we get the Latin name for these too).  As in the same leaves used to make cocaine.  For a moment I thought Eden was going to scarf these up instead of the food, considering them a good substitute for oxy, but she refuses to.  Not because she's suddenly against drug use but because "they're dirty."  

Eden freaks out AGAIN when she finds they're going to be traveling by boat now.  Again, how is this supposed to be our strong protagonist?  And of course, "like any Pearl," she's scared of water.  What does being a Pearl have to do with being afraid of water?  

Eden takes off "for privacy" and goes to search the backpack, hoping to find a Life-Band.  And that's where the chapter ends.

Apparently Eden's gotten tired of making black people and Asians look terrible, so now we're moving on to trashing indigenous Americans.  No matter what your race is, you're going to be insulted reading this thing...

Chapter 14 -- Somewhere an Anthropologist Is Crying...

When we last left our characters (I refuse to call anyone here a hero, except maybe Bramford), their plane was about to touch down somewhere in South America.  I've said it before and I'll say it again -- I have no idea what lays in store for us from here on out save some forced furry romance.  This'll all be as new to me as it is to you.  Strap yourselves in, audience, we're in for quite a ride.

"Aren't you excited?  Aren't you happy?"

No apologies whatsoever for the Undertale images...

Eden's freaking out over the sunshine, already wanting "muted grays in which to hide and become invisible," which I suppose is understandable.  If you've been raised in an enclosed, dark environment, wide open spaces and sunlight are going to be strange and frightening.  But to call the daylight a "bright, suffocating prison" like she does seems kind of pushing it.

Their "welcoming committee" turns out to be a group of Native Americans.  Here, have the lovely description:

She didn't think things could get any worse, when the welcoming committee came into view.  A half-dozen, short, muscular Indians wearing a rag-tag assortment of clothes stood by a line of ancient, all-terrain vehicles.  Machetes hung from several of the men's belts, glinting in the sunlight.  Some had long, wooden poles slung over their shoulders.  Despite fanciful feathers tucked into simple bowl-cut hairstyles, the warriors appeared fierce. -- p. 99

Wow... the only way this could get any more stereotypical is if these guys were wearing facepaint buckskins and/or loincloths.  Foyt, is there no minority you won't make a joke of in this book?  Also, no fancy gemstone name for Native Americans?  Then again, I'd hate to think of what kind of mineral name she'd come up for them.  Rust?  Sandstone?  Garnet?  Probably best not to think too hard on that...

Also, is it me or does Foyt use too many commas?  I dunno if it's a British thing or just punctuation confetti...

"The Huaorani," Edenn's father said, excitedly.

"Who?" Eden said.

"The world's last independent indigenous tribe.  No one knows how or where they've survived."  -- p. 99

According to Wikipedia, the Huaorani are an actual indigenous people living in Ecuador, and as of 2012 there were about 2,500 left.  I'm curious as to whether there's any special reason this tribe in particular managed to survive, or if Foyt just randomly picked a tribe and went "eh, this one'll do."  Twenty bucks says we won't get an explanation of any kind as to how they survived... and no, I don't buy the "no one knows" excuse, that's one of the cheapest writing shortcuts you can use.

Oh, and the poles are apparently blowguns, and we get a sudden infodump on how these blowguns work.  And of course these people are master hunters that hunt humans for sport.  From what I can see, Foyt at least did some cursory research on the Huaorani -- their name means "human" and they consider anyone outside their tribe "cowode," or non-human -- but I've found nothing that indicates they hunted humans for sport.  Either Foyt threw that in to make these people more savage, or she just assumed that all indigenous people engaged in human-hunting practices of some kind.  Stop using exploitation films like Cannibal Holocaust as your point of reference, Foyt...

I ain't showing screencaps or posters of that movie -- you

get kittens instead.  If you're THAT curious, Google

and IMDB are thataway... -->

Eden suggests that maybe the Huaorani will kill Bramford.  Before her father can react more than an angry "what?" Daisy hands them each a backpack for the trip.  Said backpacks contain "toiletries, a company T-shirt, and a small bottle of water."  Um... what about a first-aid kid, or any food, or any other supplies for surviving in the wilderness?  How's a toothbrush or a company T-shirt supposed to help you forage for food or build a shelter?

Eden sarcastically thanks Daisy, and Daisy glares and says "you never know, it might come in handy."  Eden takes this as a hint that Daisy's on her side and has hidden something in her pack that might help her.  Or maybe Daisy's just telling you to be grateful that you have SOMETHING that might help you survive, even if it's just that one lousy bottle of water, girl...

Then we get more awkward descriptions of Bramford and Eden's feelings for him:

A quivering feather floated inside of her, as Bramford stretched to a standing position.  (??????)  Her eyes betrayed her, traveling the length of his body.  She felt embarrassed and, as he shot her a quizzical glance, realized that her flushed, red skin showed zebra-like through her worn, dark coating.  -- p. 101

Foyt, just... stop writing scenes of the protagonist getting hot and bothered.  Clearly it's not your forte.  Then again, you've shown that writing in general isn't your forte... maybe take up a hobby like gardening or crocheting or something...

Both Bramford and Eden's father tell her it's time to go, and she refuses to budge because of the daylight.  So of course, Bramford has to pick her up and carry her.  I'm starting to think she's being a snot just so she has an excuse to get carried everywhere by a hot animal... I mean Bramford.

Oh, and she tries to get him to put her down by hitting him and pulling his hair.  How is she able to reach his hair when he's carrying her against his chest?

Eden's father suggests sending her back, even as Eden's thinking of how pathetic her father looks and ignoring how disappointed he seems in her.  How did a half-decent guy like this end up having such a horrible brat for a daughter?  Bramford retorts that they can't send her back because then she'll lead the authorities out to find them.  Reasonable enough, especially since Eden proposed turning Bramford in to save their necks...

Eden shrieked as hot-white light hit her head.  (Um, usually it's "white-hot," I'm not sure why you switched it around there...)  Broiling sunrays knifed into her skin, and she gasped for air.  Even without her sensors she knew she was in deep trouble.  

Below, she saw the Huaorani raise their nut-brown faces.  Time seemed to hang in the air as each side, the human tribesmen and the cowode visitors, hesitated.  For Earth's sake, why didn't they attack the beast?

Eden took matters into her own hands and pointed at Bramford.  "Cowode!" -- p. 102

Way to go, Eden... how is this supposed to be our heroine?  How is THIS supposed to suggest that these two are going to end up a couple by the end of the book?  How can this book advertise itself as a romance when the female lead is constantly trying to get the male lead killed?  I hate, hate, HATE this trope, with the passion of a thousand fiery suns.  Especially when Bramford's done nothing to deserve it.

Bramford tries to shut her up by pinning her face against his chest.  Mistake.

The incredibly wonderful feel of his warm body -- not a Holo-Image, but a real, live body -- stunned her.  She registered the sensation of his arms around her bare thighs and shoulders.  Pressing her cheek against his hard chest, she heard his heart beat against her ear -- alive.

Eden's world stopped.  Her joints loosened, her heart felt expansive, even her mind stretched to find Bramford remarkably appealing.  At the same time, she became aware of a dangerous, inescapable abyss opening up inside of her.  If she gave into her feelings, she might be lost forever. -- p. 102

Still not sorry for the Undertale pics...

This one was just too perfect.

It's at this point that the natives begin to fall to their knees and chant "El Tigre!  El Tigre!"  Wat?

Her father peered out the cabin door, quickly assessing the situation.  "They think you're El Tigre, the Jaguar Man.  Imagine, the long-awaited Aztec God." -- p. 103

Star Wars did it better...

Multiple problems with this.  First of all, El Tigre is Spanish -- which I would nitpick, but information online says that many modern-day Huaorani do speak Spanish -- and it translates to "tiger."  Last time I checked, jaguars are NOT tigers, and I seriously doubt anyone's going to mistake a jaguar for a tiger.  If anything, the Huaroani would be more likely to mistake a tiger for a jaguar (though I doubt it, there's some BIG differences in size, body shape, color, and pattern between the two species), seeing as tigers are not native to South America.

Second of all, the Aztec Empire never expanded into South America -- it was an ancient kingdom in Mexico and Central America.  Did Foyt perhaps mean the Incan Empire?  Perhaps, but not all the indigenous people in the Ecuador area were Incan.

Third of all, while there IS an Aztec god associated with the jaguar (Tezcatlipoca), he isn't shown to appear as a "jaguar man."  And he's not the "long-awaited" god -- the god the Aztecs believed would return to lead their people again was Quetzalcoatl, not his rival Tezcatlipoca.  (I read a lot about Aztec gods when I was a teenager, okay?)  And the Huaorani did NOT worship either god -- their religion was more focused on spiritualism, animism, and totems, and while the jaguar was associated with shamans, but they did NOT have a jaguar god.

In a lot of ways, doing half-assed research like this is way worse than doing no research at all.  Because Foyt gets some of her facts regarding the Huaorani right, people are liable to take her at her word when she attributes the wrong facts to them or just outright makes stuff up.  People who don't do their research or don't already know these things might assume she's right, and come away seriously misinformed.  I'm aware that this is fiction, but in fiction based at least somewhat on reality, smart readers expect the author to have done their homework.  When they pull a Dan Browned and fudge their facts like this, it's incredibly frustrating, especially to those of us who have actually researched this stuff.

Bramford seems to be lapping up the attention, and Eden's disgusted, even though her father suggests she's now protected because she's seen as divine by association with El Tigre.  (*eyeroll*)  Did it occur to you, Eden, that maybe Bramford's playing the part because your lives depend on it?  Sort of like Miguel and Tulio in The Road to El Dorado -- because insisting he's not a god is liable to get the lot of you killed?

But of course, we get one more description of his furry physique.  Yes, I am typing out most of the "hot and bothered" sections for you, the reader, to "enjoy."  They are all really this terrible, and I want you all to suffer with me.  I'm evil like that.

In spite of her disgust, Eden's eyes riveted on his broad, dark chest that gleamed in the sunlight.  Even the molecules of air seemed to fall away from his powerful physique.  Maybe he did deserve to be worshiped, she admitted.  Then, as he waved imperiously to his adoring public, she wanted to slap him.  -- p. 103

You're welcome.

We get "Aunt Emily's" most famous poem -- the one about "I'm Nobody!  Who are you?  Are you Nobody too?" -- and Eden feels sorry for herself that she's being ignored in favor of Bramford.  Oh, shut up, brat.

Bramford immediately takes charge, ordering vehicles loaded up, and Eden's father goes on about some totally-made-up prophecy about how a fabled Jaguar Man was supposed to come back and lead the people, and talks about how maybe the Indians were right about spirits all along.  Um... is a man of science really going to say all this?  He also says "this is the happiest day of my life," which makes Eden wonder if her birth even counts.  Again, shut up, girl.  Given how much of a spoiled rotten brat you turned out to be, I would wonder how high your birth ranks too.

Now they're off to a place called "Zona Intangible," which Eden's father says means "No Man's Land" but actually just translates to "Intangible Area."  And does Eden worry for her life or safety?

Oh, you silly reader...

Exactly what she most feared:  now, she'd never find anyone to mate.  -- p. 105

Talk about a one-track mind... ugh.

So Foyt fails at research, Eden's still a twat, and this book is full of ugly racism and badly written "romantic" prose.  Were we expecting anything else?

Chapter 13 - Leaving On a Jet Plane

I have GOT to get better at updating this thing regularly if I want to finish this freaking book by the end of the year.  I even have the next book to spork lined up too.  Hint -- this one involves dragons...

Still on this freaking plane.  I think most of these airplane chapters could have been condensed into one or two, because they just feel like pointless filler at this point.  The only time watching people on a plane is entertaining is if there's some kind of impending disaster or there are snakes involved.

Either snakes or Samuel L. Jackson might

make this plane ride tolerable...

Eden asks for the time, but since her Life-Band is gone she doesn't get the little voice giving her the time, and states that she feels "like an amputee who still feels the presence of a missing limb."  Wow, Foyt, you really are out to offend anyone and everyone.  First people of color, then rape victims, now amputees?  I'm almost proud of you for finding new ways to offend.

Eden also states that Bramford stole her identity along with her Life-Band, and that she doesn't know who she is anymore.  I know losing the equivalent of your iPhone means some adjustment, girl, but if your identity is wrapped up in that thing, you've got bigger problems...

Both Eden's father and Bramford are asleep, and Eden figures "this might be her only chance."  Oh boy, I can hardly wait to see where this goes...

She quietly slipped into the aisle, heading for the attendant's area.  Unable to resist the opportunity to study the sleeping beast (gag), she stopped beside him.  A company T-shirt strained over his shoulders like a child's garment, exposing his muscular torso.  Long, dark eyelashes swooned over the sharp slash of his cheekbones.  (Swooned???)  Fine, dark hair framed his rugged face.

Time seemed to flicker around Bramford, imposing his former self over his animal-like incarnation, as if his old Holo-Image clung to him.  Eden suspected that the dual identities waged a mysterious battle.  But which did she want to win?  The powerful titan that might save them or the savage beast that excited her? - p. 92-93

Awkward descriptions?  Check.  Still calling Bramford a beast?  Check.  Thinking this guy is sexy and falling for him despite hating him?  Check and eyeroll.  Why do so many books and movies assume that if two people of the opposite sex hate each other, it must be TWU WUV?  I hate this trope with a fiery passion...

And of course we know Bramford and Eden are destined to be together because she excites him, because apparently Jamal never excited her like this.  I guess that's understandable -- she only ever saw Jamal as a tool to get mated, after all -- but still, the implication that Bramford makes her tingly inside means he's her true love is pretty questionable.  Just because someone makes you hot and bothered doesn't mean they're relationship material.

Was it even possible for two people to truly see each other in a calculated world where its inhabitants mated to improve their offspring's genetics or to control a lesser mate?

She thought about how her mother might have quoted Aunt Emily.  "That Love is all there is, / Is all we know of Love."

But no, Eden reminded herself, love was dead. - p. 93

And of course, this is a dystopia, there's no room for love in a dystopia!  *sigh*

She has a fantasy of Bramford waking her up, pinning her down, ignoring her writhing and protesting, and... biting her neck?  I guess Foyt's inspired by vampire romances now?  Plus this scene is all kinds of squicky rather than actually romantic...

Because this is all kinds of sexy,

am I right?

In a daze, she stepped away from him.  Clearly, the monumental losses of home, Austin, and her Life-Band, had driven her crazy.  - p. 93

I dunno, you didn't seem to care any about Austin when he was alive.  Show us Eden cares about the dog before you use him as angst bait, Foyt...

Eden finally makes it to Princess Daisy -- I mean Daisy the flight attendant, but the attendant tries to shoo her off.  She says she can't help Eden, and she's just trying to survive.  Eden, out of nowhere, tells Daisy her mom died of the Heat -- I can't tell if she's trying to get Daisy to pity her or if she honestly thinks it fits into the conversation somehow, because it feels like something really random and awkward to tell a stranger.

She reminded Eden of one of the girls shown on the old Beauty Map -- an English Rose.  How ironic that long ago the two of them might have been called "hot."  - p. 94

We get it, your precious protagonist is one of those "beautiful even if she doesn't realize it" girls, shut up.  

Daisy asks what happened to Bramford.  Eden spills the beans on turning Bramford into a furry, and reveals it could be the key to saving humanity from the Heat.  She reveals that the change is the best hope for Pearls to not only survive, but to change the world.  Then she asks where they're going.  Hmmm... personally I would have refused to answer this question until Daisy told me where the plane was going, but Eden hasn't been noted for using her brain in this book.

Daisy says Bramford gave her this job after her husband, one of Bramford's pilots, died, and that she owes him.  Eden gets this lovely "sensitive" bit:

Eden figured Bramford found it cheaper to employ the widow than pay costly benefits.  He was no tender heart.  - p. 95

We get it, you think Bramford is a big bad meanie despite the fact that he's saved your bacon at least twice in this book.  Shut up, will you?  

Eden starts to explain that they could trade Bramford to the government for... something, she never gets to finish her sentence because another idea pops into her head.  She asks for a Life-Band instead, saying everything depends on it.  Daisy refuses, saying she has a son to think about, but Eden persists, and Daisy finally answers:

"Sector Six," Daisy said, abruptly.  "That's your destination."

Holy Earth, Eden gulped.  They might as well be sucked into a black hole.  Sector Six was a lawless, barren land.  If the drug lords didn't kill them, The Heat or predators would. (Yes, the "The" there is capitalized in the book) - p. 95

Something else that would make this

book way better...

Okay, hold up.  Drug lords and predators?  I thought no life could exist on the surface thanks to the Heat... excuse me, The Heat.  Drug lords is at least a tiny bit understandable, as they could be living in caves like the Combs, but predators?  Unless they've somehow evolved in a stupidly short time to be resistant to heat, they should all be dead.  Wait, this is Foyt, she believes that animals are magically resistant to the same radiation that should kill humans, never mind...

Also, if there's already a perfectly legal drug being handed out to the general populace to pacify them, why are drug lords such a big problem?  Did Foyt just figure "drug lords are a staple of dystopian fiction, my book needs some?"  You need to think these things out before incorporating them into your book.  

This is a big flaw of a lot of amateur fiction, from Paolini's Eragon books down to this book -- the authors want to throw in all kinds of concepts that they think are cool, but don't stop to think if they actually fit into the world they've already constructed.  Before throwing in anything, whether it's a common trope of the genre or your own original creation, stop and think "does this fit with the established rules of my universe?  Does it add to the story or create a plot hole?"  Unfortunately, like Paolini, Foyt didn't stop to consider before tossing it in.

The jet starts to land, and Daisy tells Eden to go.  Eden begs again for a Life-Band, but Daisy says no, and Eden goes into the bathroom.  Her Midnight Luster's coming off (she calls it Daylight Scary instead, har har), and she considers wiping it off, but she's too terrified of looking at her own natural coloring to do it.  Girl, given the circumstances on this adventure, nobody's going to freaking care.

Even some Coal was better than none, she decided, throwing down the towel.  - p. 96

For hating Coals, she sure wants to be like them...  Being white myself, I can't put myself in the shoes of someone who's experienced racism or prejudice, but I can imagine that this attitude isn't as weird as it looks.  There might be people who hate the fact that they're forced to act "more white" but still do it because it means better job prospects, less harassment, etc.  Still, the way it's written in this book just comes across as awkward.

The sun's rising as Eden sits back down -- "like a bloodshot Cyclops" -- and she thinks how strange it is that humanity used to love the sunlight and fear the night.  She also sees the Amazon River... and that's the first sign we get of where exactly this book takes place.  

And right here is where I cry bull on all Eden's whining about how Coals don't know what it's like to experience prejudice.  With the reveal that this book takes place in our world, in South America, she shows that this isn't an invented world but our own, with our history and our past intact.  (Or at least I have to assume so, as this book hasn't hinted at an alternate history of any sort.)  So things like slavery, the Civil Rights movement, and all the ugly history of racism and prejudice still exist in this universe's past, and Eden has no right to scream that black people have no idea what it's like to be outcasts.  

Ahem... sorry, went off on a tangent there.  Moving on.

Eden remembers seeing forests in the World-Band as a child -- and of course we get the Latin name for Sequoia trees because SMRT PPL USE LATIN NAMES DURRRRRRRRRR -- and says she could hear the trees crying as a child, and her mother explains this is because they were the oldest living things on the planet and now they're gone.  Um... wat?  When did this book become Ferngully?

Apparently crying over the trees was the last time Eden ever shed tears.  Good to know that our protagonist is such an unemotional clod that she didn't even cry over the death of her mother, but could apparently cry over some trees.  Remind me why we're supposed to like this girl again?

We get a random Emily Dickinson poem, Eden's terrified of the rising sun, chapter ends, yadda yadda yadda.  I've said it before and I'll say it again -- this book has the most aggressively unlikable protagonist in fiction I've ever seen.  Even Bella Swan looks like Black Widow next to her...