Chapter 31 -- Don't Trust Stoned People

I really would like to be reading something else right now.  I'm halfway through Doughnut by Tom Holt, a very off-the-wall but hilarious novel about alternate universes, and I still need to finish The Star Beast audio-book by Robert Heinlein, a novel about a boy and his pet alien.  I've also started a Kindle book about a sentient boat, Ship of Magic by Robin Hobb -- I found her Dragon Keeper novel to be okay but not great, but maybe this book will be better.  And I have two more books waiting in my bookbag for me -- Adulthood Rites, part of Octavia Butler's excellent alien-invasion trilogy Xenogenesis, and The Moorchild, an Newbury-winning fantasy about a fairy child living among humans by Eloise McGraw.  All very fine books by respectable publishers...

But nope, I'm sitting here dissecting the next chapter of Revealing Eden, a book so stupid and offensive that, to quote Linkara of Atop the Fourth Wall, "I would set this [book] on fire right now if I wasn't afraid that I would breathe in the fumes and grow dumber as a result."  Yet I persevere because I know that somewhere out there, at least a handful of souls are amused by my suffering.

My face through much of this book

Don't say I don't love you guys...

We now return to Eden and Bramford lying in each other's arms in the middle of the jungle, Bramford tripping out of his mind on extract of magic vine and Eden currently on the "u so hawt luv me" side of her bad case of Borderline Personality Disorder (thank you, Chimera, for the insight).  And this chapter opens with a making-out scene complete with moans.  I swear this book started out as furry erotica before Foyt decided to turn it into a dystopian novel with a MESSAGE.

Eden softly moaned as Bramford nuzzled her neck.  His bare chest grew hot to the touch, his breathing heavy.  His lips found hers, teasingly at first.  Then he pressed harder, kissing her with hungry passion.  She wanted this kiss to last forever.

She caught her breath as he whispered.  "My mate." -- p. 218

Hey, if I have to suffer through this, you guys do too...

There's some lovey-dovey talk between the two of them, which Eden takes at face value despite Bramford being stoned out of his mind right now.  I don't hang out with stoned people, but I'm gonna guess that you shouldn't expect 100% accuracy out of the mouth of someone high as a kite.

Then comes the whammy.

"Nothing can separate us now."

Nothing.  Not ever.  That was what Eden believed.  Until his next words knocked the wind right out of her.

"Thank you for coming back, Rebecca." -- p. 218-219

Welp... so all that lovey-dovey talk last chapter was actually meant for Rebecca, Eden's oh-so-convenient lookalike.  This is why you don't take the words of intoxicated people at face value.

Naturally, this doesn't sit well with Eden, because a world that doesn't revolve around her is just unfair and offensive, you know.  She demands to know who Bramford thinks she is, and he repeats "Rebecca."  And a little more digging proves that he funded Dr. Newman's research to save Rebecca from the heat, and that all this time it was Rebecca he loved and was trying to save.  

Hoo boy, this is gonna be good...

Break out the popcorn, Michael...

A birdlike shriek flew out of her.  His love wasn't meant for her, but the girl she resembled.  She struggled to get away but he clung to her.

"Rebecca, what's wrong?"

Eden flailed against his chest.  "Let me go!"

"I thought you understood."

She bit his shoulder drawing blood.  Confusion rushed over Bramford, as he stared at the spot.  He slumped to the ground, his head weaving like a drunkard's. -- p. 219

Yay, our oh-so-mature-and-intelligent protagonist is throwing a hissy fit because she got mistaken for someone else.  Despite the fact that you KNEW all along that you looked a heck of a lot like this Rebecca chick, that you strongly suspected that Bramford had relations with her at some point, and you were flat-out TOLD that the drug was going to make Bramford loony and say things?  What, does your superior intellect only work when you need to fire off a Latin name?

Eden realizes that Bramford must have resented her all along for looking like Rebecca, and knows he'll never see the Real Eden, only Rebecca.  "Real Eden" is one of those phrases that just needs to be shot and put out of its misery, along with "Pearl," "Coal," "Midnight Luster," "Aunt Emily," and "hawt jaguar furry."  Thank Primus this book never got a legitimate fandom so we don't get these terms plastered all over Tumblr or DeviantArt, I guess...

And of course, because Eden's pissed off she has to lash out at the poor injured drugged-up catman.

Well, if the herbs could test her, she also could test Bramford.  She would capitalize on his confusion to discover the truth about Rebecca.  Then, like a scorpion, she would sting him with it.  She would balance out this cruel equation, his suffering for hers. -- p. 220

Ex-CUSE me, girl?  This man has suffered a heck of a lot more than you have over the past week or so.  He's lost everything important to him, gotten turned into a jaguar furry against his will, been injured saving YOUR butt from a predator, and now has toxic drugs in his system.  You're not "balancing out" any equation, you're just being a spoiled brat who's happy to ignore all Bramford's suffering just to make yourself feel better for getting dumped.

Argh... our heroine, ladies and gentlemen...

So Eden decides to pretend to be Rebecca, and softly asks Bramford what happened.  Well, it turns out Rebecca had been hired by the FFP to seduce Bramford into becoming her mate, so she could then turn information about his research over to them.  Mkay, that explains a lot...

Actually, it just raises more questions.  Why would the FFP, an organization specifically dedicated to wiping out white people, recruit a Pearl to their cause?  Why would they target a black man?  Why would a Pearl be working for the race-flipped equivalent of the KKK anyhow?  And why use a Pearl in the first place instead of a Coal or any of the other races?  Did Foyt think any of this through before sticking it in the book?

Okay, I admit, there could be some answers if you analyzed these questions enough -- the FFP might recruit a Pearl to their cause only to eliminate them later, a Pearl might work for anyone if they paid her enough or if she hated her own race, etc.  But at the moment, they just give me a headache, and feel like a last-minute addition to throw some more conflict into the story.  And I really need to stop analyzing this book and trying to hack a decent, coherent plot out of it.

Stop it, Kenya...

Though now that I think about it, if I absolutely had to read a dystopian novel about a future where the dominant race was black people, I would much rather read about Rebecca's story than Eden's.  At least Rebecca sounds like a competent character...

Bramford asks if Rebecca ever really cared for him, and Eden decided to toy with him -- "First, his secrets, then make him suffer."  And we're REALLY supposed to be sympathizing with this psychopath?

Eden/Rebecca tells Bramford that she's sorry, but the FFP tricked her and she couldn't believe he really wanted her.  We get an odd sidetrack from the story where a bird calls and Eden has to stop and spout off the Latin name (I AM SO SMART, I AM SO SMART, S-M-R-T -- I MEAN S-M-A-R-T), then Bramford replies.

"You're lying," Bramford finally said, the accusation cool and quiet.  "You lied to me from the start.  They chose you for the job.  You only pretended to care...

"I guess I always knew I couldn't trust you," he went on.  "Thank Earth, I protected Shen.  Only a promise to my wise father stopped me from answering your persistent questions.  If the FFP knew Shen was my half-brother, they would have used him against me, too." -- p. 221

Wait, what?  Shen and Bramford are half-brothers?  Boy, does that slashy moment between them much earlier in the book feel awkward and uncomfortable now...  But Foyt insisted earlier that huge divides existed between the races, so why would a black man have a half-Asian brother?  Oh wait, this is Foyt, she can't be bothered to maintain continuity in her writing...

Oh, and apparently Bramford and Rebecca have a kid.  Wat.

"When our son was born, the truth was plain to see.  But how could I let him pay for our crimes?"

Eden's head spun.  "You -- I mean -- we have a child?"

"You'd like to forget about him, wouldn't you, Rebecca?  I'm sorry to say I once felt the same way."  He pummeled the ground.  "But what were the odds?"

"Odds of what?"

"Having a child with someone like you.  Our son, Logan.  A terrible mistake." -- p. 222

Because as long as we're throwing out sudden revelations, let's chuck in a long-lost kid as well.  Yeesh...  None of this was foreshadowed in the rest of the book -- heck, Shen hasn't been mentioned in so long I'm sure most of you forgot about him until just now -- so having it all pop up here feels like a slap in the face.  Foyt, shocking swerves like this don't work unless you set them up in the story.  You can't just cram in a "oh by the way, these two random characters are related" without giving the audience some hint or having it fit the logic of the story.

"You were very clever, Rebecca.  You begged me to go back home, swore you needed to see your dying father.  Even then, you had planned your escape.  If I had given you our position here, you would have let them destroy us and never shed a tear."

In a flash, Bramford pinned her down.  "Admit it!"

"I, uh..."

"No more lies!"

Eden trembled underneath him.  He just might kill her, thinking she was his traitorous mate. -- p. 222

Whoo, Eden's dead, book over!

Eh, we can't be so lucky.  Bramford yells in her face, bites her neck, and makes "tortured, groaning sounds."  Yeah, I'm thinking this book was a furry porno novel before being reworked into this train wreck.

Eden shouts out "Mr. Bramford, sir!" and that seems to snap him out of it.  She asks what happened to Logan, and Bramford says that the FFP demanded their son in exchange for Rebecca, and they killed Rebecca when he refused to hand Logan over.  He also says "because of my lies, you and Logan suffered," but we don't find out what lies those are because he picks that moment to fall down and writhe around like a snake, babbling more "shamanistic" nonsense.

What a pair of lonely, unloved freaks.  Neither one of them belonged anywhere on this hopeless planet. -- p. 224

While Bramford writhes around, still suffering from the effects of the drug, Eden goes to tend the fire.  Yeah, you fail at being a good nurse, girl... She also contemplates ripping the dress into pieces, but thankfully doesn't because I don't want to see Foyt try to describe a naked body of either gender.

Damn Bramford for picking the lock on her heart.  Damn the hunger his kiss had awoken in her.  And damn that conniving, selfish bitch, Rebecca.  

Love?  If it did exist, it hurt like Bleeding Earth. -- p. 224

Aaaaaaaaand end chapter.  Notice that almost every female character in this book that isn't Eden is a bitch according to Eden?  Lovely...

So all the lovey-dovey crap in the previous chapter is a cop-out, Bramford's still stoned out of his gourd, Eden's a heartless brat (but we all knew that), and this revelation about Rebecca's identity just raises even more questions.  Are we having FUN with this book yet?